Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my husband’s first question

143 replies

AnneTwackie · 19/02/2020 18:55

3 years ago I left my career that I had just qualified for to have our unexpected baby, we both agreed we didn’t want to go down the full time childcare route so I have childminded for 3 years. Apart from the first 6 months I have paid half to all bills. Now my son is ready for preschool and will get funding but the nursery we want him to attend charges a supplement. We agreed we’d pay £60 each despite him earning at least £10k more than me as a childminder.

I’ve suggested I might do something else part time with the days he’s in nursery and I saw the perfect part time job today. I’ve had a shit day childminding and said when he got in ‘I’ve seen a job I really want!’ His reply, before asking about the job, was ‘if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’. AIBU to think that is horrible?

OP posts:
HAhelp101 · 20/02/2020 00:10

Everything goes into one account from both of us and all bills paid from there. We then have an allowance each equal to each other to do as we please. İf a birthday or holiday is coming up then we have our allowance each to cover the cost. İf anything is left at the end of the month it goes in to savings unless something else is needed

Pumpkintopf · 20/02/2020 00:20

All earned money is family money. You are enabling him to earn by looking after your child.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 20/02/2020 00:53

I'd get paid into the joint account then take equal amounts of spending money into your personal accounts. I wouldn't! Absolutely pay shares of bills proportionate to earnings and ensure you each have equal spending money. But get paid into and keep your money in your account just 122n case of a split or the account gets robbed or whatever.

JRUIN · 20/02/2020 03:49

God what a prick! You're a family, and as such you should be pooling your money together anyway. Is your husband mean and selfish in other ways OP?

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2020 04:55

If he thinks the higher earner should pay more toward the bills, why isn’t this happening already? Does he contribute to clothes and toys for your lo? Children get more not less expensive btw. My dd is 11, wears mainly adult clothes and is into tech now.

SunshineCake · 20/02/2020 06:59

Did he want the baby?
I mean, it matters not cos you've both had one together, but is this what's behind his shitty reasoning? You maybe insisted on keeping your child so you pay more?!

Utter bollocks. No wonder some women end up being with dickheads when they think and are told this bullshit.

FeedMeChoc · 20/02/2020 07:03

Very confused about families who don’t share their income with each other!

Sally2791 · 20/02/2020 07:14

My exH was very like this, paying for childcare was 100% my responsibility. Getting him to pay for anything involved much bad temper.
Put your foot down now OP and make sure you get a fair arrangement in place. I can’t imagine he’s delightful in other ways given that attitude.

Trahira · 20/02/2020 07:17

Great response OP!

finn1020 · 20/02/2020 07:19

It seems quite appropriate that he deal with all the costs and time of childcare for the next three years, since you were responsible for the first three. What time did you clock off at night/start in the morning those first three years OP? Make sure he does that for the next three.

Davincitoad · 20/02/2020 07:22

Hate these threads where the man is clearly an idiot and thinks all things child fall on the woman!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 20/02/2020 07:43

Very confused about families who don’t share their income with each other! it's really not confusing or difficult to understand as some people are making out unless they're a bit thick. It's just different to what you do. There are loads of reasons people may like to keep their own income. Me and my partner get paid into our own accounts then transfer a certain amount to cover our outgoings. We keep the rest. We have a child each and 1 together. I'm much better with money than he is so it works for us. We both work and share all childcare and household tasks so I'm happy with my lot!

10FrozenFingers · 20/02/2020 07:49

He sounds horrible.

mathanxiety · 20/02/2020 07:50

To a large extent you and your partner do share though, WaterOffADucksCrack

MyOtherProfile · 20/02/2020 07:55

Did he realise he had said something very stupid? Have you spoken to him again now?

billy1966 · 20/02/2020 07:56

OP, I hope its abundantly clear to you.

Your childs father is a miserable, mean, twat.

You need to have a really good hard think about what you are getting from this relationship.

Because it doesn't sound like much.

I hope to God your contraception is bullet proof because you really shouldn't have another child with such a horrible man.

If he doesn't want to pay fully for the extra fee, that should be a deal breaker.

I bet you do more in the house too.

What a twat.
He's certainly no prize.

Time to go back to the career you qualified in.

These threads are driving me mad.
Such prickish men out there.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 20/02/2020 08:09

I will never understand why so many women put up with this shit. Don’t be one of them op; stand your ground.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 20/02/2020 08:22

So when you earned less than him it was 50:50.

Now you'll earn more than you did before, he wants you to pay... more than 50:50.

But when he was earning more, he still didn't pay more than 50:50.

Your last message suggested this was a kind of tongue in cheek "ooh what's he like?!" kind of thing but he's been horrible.

He sounds like a selfish prick, you don't sound nearly as disappointed in him / angry with him as I would be.

Nasty man.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 20/02/2020 08:55

It’s not out of the blue, he generally can be a bit self centred. He’s said he’s sorry he said it because it upset me but still can’t understand why it would upset me SO much, he said it was just a simple question about finances.

OP posts:
JustForTheTasteOfIt · 20/02/2020 09:03

But isn't the worry the fact that his head immediately went to that question.

Yes he's said sorry he upset you but his natural reaction was still the same. That's who he is.

Willow2017 · 20/02/2020 09:05

Ask him.why it's a question of your finances when it hasnt been one for him all the time he has been earning more?

Its a simple question😉

Tell him to start contributing properly to his own child the selfish sod.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 20/02/2020 09:14

Also to show the huge flaw in his logic, "why the fuck isn't my dinner on the table" is a simple question but it wouldn't make it any less of a cunty one. Ugh he sounds exhaustingly dickish.

timeisnotaline · 20/02/2020 10:00

Is he going to start paying more? And backpay you? If he isn’t then he understands perfectly we’ll why it upsets you, he’s certainly not willing to treat you fairly himself so he can understand why you don’t want to be not just treated unfairly but walked all over by someone who is supposed to love you. You need to rebalance your finance agreement between you now.

Quartz2208 · 20/02/2020 10:15

But it isn’t a simple question about finances his attitude towards his son as well in that statement is appalling as is his attitude to you

Selfish horrible man comes to mind

GabsAlot · 20/02/2020 16:11

Its not a simple quesiton he shouldnt have said anything other than thats great good luck with the job