About my husband’s first question

[AnneTwackie]

3 years ago I left my career that I had just qualified for to have our unexpected baby, we both agreed we didn’t want to go down the full time childcare route so I have childminded for 3 years. Apart from the first 6 months I have paid half to all bills. Now my son is ready for preschool and will get funding but the nursery we want him to attend charges a supplement. We agreed we’d pay £60 each despite him earning at least £10k more than me as a childminder.

I’ve suggested I might do something else part time with the days he’s in nursery and I saw the perfect part time job today. I’ve had a shit day childminding and said when he got in ‘I’ve seen a job I really want!’ His reply, before asking about the job, was ‘if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’. AIBU to think that is horrible?

he's a tosser

Discuss what?! What exactly is he wanting to discuss. His own child’s fees?! What an absolute twat.

cock nostril made me laugh

You need to sort out your finances so you both pay in proportion to your different incomes, both have similar savings and personal spending money opportunities from the pot of family money.
He needs to give his head a wobble!

What a cheeky bloody sod! YANBU

It amazes me here reading posts like this, people share a home, a bed, children and yet you read things like this surrounding finances. Surely this attitude from him hasn't came out of the blue OP?

Think of family as a business venture: you both need to contribute to each of three areas

• generating income
• childcare

-maintenance of the home

Some couples divide these tasks equally, some will take on more of some tasks than others. The division should be agreed on by both partners.

Equality, in my view, is equal leisure time and equal access to family money and financial decisions.

When one partner takes on a greater share of childcare there are significant knock on effects for both partners financially.

For the childcare provider there is a loss of income, a loss of years of experience and earning potential/ promotion opportunities.

For the other partner there is a significant financial benefit. They are supported to concentrate on career building. They don’t have to take time off to deal with sickness, they don’t have to run off on the dot of 5 o’clock to collect dc from Creche, they can work late and collect employee brownie points.

So financial contributions to household bills should reflect this disparity. Equality is not paying 50/50, particularly when savings are eroded to subsidise this.

And the first bill that should be paid is the non-working or lower paid partner’s pension.

These are some of the discussion points you might want to address with him.

It might sound funny that he now wants to discuss it but please don't let him take you for an idiot anymore.

'if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’

What an arsehole. Did he think he was doing you a favour by paying half of his child's daycare?

Frankly, you need to have a serious talk with him about the finances split in your household. It's not like you went part time for the fun of it, you were taking care of your child. You should not have been financially penalized for that. Why is he treating you like someone he just happens to share a house with?

What the actual fuck ?
What’s wrong with him ?!

I am bloody sick of these men.

I think all women should be told at ante-natal that two people have made the baby and two people have to be responsible for it, including financially, physically and emotionally.

If they can't do that, they can piss off now and let the woman get on with it on her own, without any aggro. And she can put a claim in through CSA.

Save her a hell of a lot of grief.

"..whose paying for his childcare.." What a knobbish comment.
I would love to be a fly on the wall for this 'discussion' but I will have to wait.
Good luck with your job application OP!

You both should be paying your share of bills in proportion to your incomes. Currently he's doing very well indeed off your back.

I don't see the problem. There are going to be two changes in circumstances, added money coming in and extra costs.

Are people on here really saying nothing should be done and the bill should be treated as a surprise? Or do they just expect the man to pay without giving his wife an opinion?

So you have taken a huge financial hit, he hasn’t. He had no childcare bills, and half of all household bills covered by you.

Now he can’t bear the thought of you doing slightly better, so thinks you should pay more than half the childcare.

He is a selfish twat. Do you actually like this person?

What Barbararara Wed 19-Feb-20 20:59:00 said.

He owes you massively.

Your higher earning H might be surprised to see the proportion of his income a family court would assign for child support.

So he thinks his child is either your responsibility or your bill?

I would leave a man like this. I can’t believe it.

I can’t imagine how these men get through life at all. What is actually wrong with him?

This is awful!

Why is it not joint money? We pool all our money. None of this you pay this and I pay that. We are a family and treat funds as family money. I find it so bizarre when people with children don’t do this, even when one person earns a higher amount.

Someone needs to remind him that he's married. If he didn't want to share his money he should've stayed single.

What bloody cheek. I couldn’t let this go without him transferring me some money as he’s been underpaying since his child was born. ‘I’m so glad you made me think about this!’ Sickly sweet tone.

I know this is not answering your question, but, why are you calling it childminding? You are looking after your own child, you are raising him, you are spending time with him, you are his mother.

Yes, your DH is being horrible about this situation. Does he behave like this about all of the spending which benefits the family?