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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my husband’s first question

143 replies

AnneTwackie · 19/02/2020 18:55

3 years ago I left my career that I had just qualified for to have our unexpected baby, we both agreed we didn’t want to go down the full time childcare route so I have childminded for 3 years. Apart from the first 6 months I have paid half to all bills. Now my son is ready for preschool and will get funding but the nursery we want him to attend charges a supplement. We agreed we’d pay £60 each despite him earning at least £10k more than me as a childminder.

I’ve suggested I might do something else part time with the days he’s in nursery and I saw the perfect part time job today. I’ve had a shit day childminding and said when he got in ‘I’ve seen a job I really want!’ His reply, before asking about the job, was ‘if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’. AIBU to think that is horrible?

OP posts:

category12 · 19/02/2020 22:13

She calls it childminding because she's been working as a childminder as well as looking after their own child.

Friendsofmine · 19/02/2020 22:13

I can't believe it! You are not being unreasonable.

Does he need your childcare invoice?

He sounds horrid.

partofthepeanutgallery · 19/02/2020 22:16

"So, I have been paying 50% of everything even though you earn more than me. But now that I might make additional money via a second job, NOW you want to talk about ME paying more? Wow. Just, wow. I want you to explain why you think that's fair to me."

And sit in silence until he explains.

5foot5 · 19/02/2020 22:17

I know this is not answering your question, but, why are you calling it childminding? You are looking after your own child

I think the OP means she has been working as a child minder whilst caring for her own child, hence she has been earning money which has enabled her to pay half the bills.

paragraphs · 19/02/2020 22:23

Whst is he actually talking about though?

Disc he think it’s not his child?

Branster · 19/02/2020 22:23

Thank you category12 and 5foot5, I didn’t realise that was the actual job , now it makes sense!
Sorry OP, not splitting hairs, but I was hoping you’re not telling DH you are childminding your own child, depersonalising everything and, in a sense, joining in with his business minded attitude to family life.
Stand your ground and I hope you get a clear direction from now on, you cannot live like this with a husband seing everything in terms of split monetary value when he’s talking to his own wife about their own child.

DishingOutDone · 19/02/2020 22:25

You see this so much on MN now, how did this become a thing that a mother must pay all the childcare costs? That aside, he's clearly a tight bastard, how have you got into this position? has he always been mean?

PanettoneEater · 19/02/2020 22:29

@DishingOutDone I’m not exaggerating when I say across two forums and one form of social media - since 9am today I’ve read EIGHT posts from women upset that their husband/partner won’t pay for childcare costs/doesn’t want to pay as much. In two cases the husbands also didn’t want to pay for the children’s clothes/toys/baby classes/days out/presents.

I think some men think the baby is their wife’s hobby. So he spends money on his hobby eg golf and she spends money on hers eg the child.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/02/2020 22:31

So is he thinking that because you'll be earning more you might actually have more money to yourself? And he doesn't think that's right even though that's exactly what he has been doing for the past 3 years?? What a prat...

mumwon · 19/02/2020 22:33

I cannot get my head round husbands/partners/men/fathers of this generations acting like mid Victorians. My DF born in the 1920's & my dh (of plus 40 years) believed that their wives (me & dm) were equal & whatever money was earned was joint as were their expenses (& in fact dm & I had more control over family finances because we paid the bills etc) both dm & I worked & while our dh earned more they never considered that we had to pay extra (in fact dh was happy for me to use my earned money anyway I chose - which was invariably for the family - this power play I find medieval (by the way I chose to work to help our family dh previously did extra job) your dh is a MCP! (shows age )

SalmonOfKnowledge · 19/02/2020 22:37

Wow, that's a horrible comment, YANBU to be upset to realise he is trying to keep you down for his convenience.

loveskaka · 19/02/2020 22:37

Say to him he makes more money now so we need to discuss that!!!!

artio0 · 19/02/2020 22:44

Here's another fuckwit who thinks the sun shines out his arse... Agree with PP, bill him for the hours you've spent looking after your child so far. Plus extra pay you get for doing dangerous jobs, like being pregnant and giving birth etc.... How much does he think making a human is worth in money exactly? Fucking dick.

Bluerussian · 19/02/2020 22:48

That was a horrible, stupid thing for him to say but I wonder if he just spoke off the top of his head without thinking (but panicking). Anyway I'm glad you said what you said and that he is now going to discuss it with you. Hope it all works out.

NoMoreDickheads · 19/02/2020 22:50

YANBU. It should'nt be the first thing that comes out of his mouth.

Thanks everyone! I’ve just suggested that as I’ve sorted out childcare for the first three years he can do the next three. Now he wants to discuss it

timeisnotaline · 19/02/2020 22:55

I don’t think ‘he just spoke off the top of his head’ is any kind of excuse. He’s had more available cash to spend than his partner since their presumably loved child was born. And that’s the first thing he thinks of? It is a game changer, he’s in it for himself comment.

1Morewineplease · 19/02/2020 22:57

You need to sing from the same hymn sheet. As to calling, looking after your child “childminding “... ?

timeisnotaline · 19/02/2020 23:01

Ffs, this has been gone over already. The op worked as a CHILDMINDER. That is why she is saying childminding. This includes her child as well as other people’s children, so she managed to work without having to pay childcare costs, whcih is particularly important when you have a baby with a tightwad who thinks children should be free.

Chickoletta · 19/02/2020 23:05

Just awful. I never understand couples who actually have individual money rather than a family pot (that’s a whole other thread probably) but your partner sounds nasty. I’m not sure I could continue in the relationship.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/02/2020 23:18

Well he’s a prince amongst men, isn’t he?

OP, you know the answer to this. Now let him dig into his wages to sort out costs. I’d also say you need to look at family money now. He’s only been able to earn his salary because you stopped your career and did child minding instead. As a PP said, give him a bill for all the child minding you have done for him!

TeaAndCake321 · 19/02/2020 23:45

Married with a child and still keeping separate finances, it amazes me how many people do this on mumsnet. Surely if you are together, married with a child you just pool whatever you make, childcare just comes out the pot. Whatever is left after bills etc is the amount you have to spend. How can you be married and 1 of you be more well off than the other/paying more etc etc?

Willow2017 · 20/02/2020 00:02

He earns more than you but he hasnt been paying more, but now you will be he wants you to py more?
Ask him how the hell that works out?

And yes bill him for the 3 years childminding costs.
Do not let him browbeat you into paying any more, you have paid enough out of less wages than him, time he stepped up and paid for his own child for a change.
He wouldnt have had all that extra money if you hadnt become a childminder and looked after your own child, he would have been paying childcare from the get go. He has had the space to further his own career while you gave up yours and you have had to stay home, tell him to jog on now its your turn.

Where do they get these ideas?
He made the child, his responsibility too.

Willow2017 · 20/02/2020 00:03

As to calling, looking after your child “childminding “... ?

Do yourself a favour and read the op properly!

anotherlittlechicken · 20/02/2020 00:09

@AnneTwackie YANBU!

anotherlittlechicken · 20/02/2020 00:09

@Chickoletta

@TeaAndCake321

This is spades. ^

It's understandable (to a degree) for it to be a 50-50 split/my money-your money thing in the early stages of your relationship (when you're girlfriend/boyfriend with no kids and both working.) But to do it when you're married and have kids together is batshit crazy IMO. Not least because the woman ALWAYS ends up earning much less than the man, putting her career on hold, and doing most of the childcare/drudgery.

So ultimately, if you do a 50-50 split financially then, the woman is obviously going to end up much worse off. And yeah, I think some men DO think the woman's money should go on the baby/childcare costs, and HIS money should fund his hobbies and interests.

This was a thing when I was a teen (in the 1980s) and I can't believe it still is a thing. I can't believe that men are still so selfish, ignorant, and self serving, and still leave the lion's share of the childcare to the woman (as well as the funding of what the kids need sometimes!)

No wonder many kids become much closer to their mother, and aren't arsed with their father so much (in many cases...) It's hardly surprising when many men can't be fucked with their own kids, and show ZERO respect to their mother!

And the 'did he want the child' bollocks really boils my piss! HE is as responsible for making this child as the OP is. I get so fucked off with women getting blamed somehow for the existence of the baby, like it was probably SHE who wanted it more, and this horseshit that 'men don't really want babies - it's the women who do,' and 'she got pregnant and trapped him!'

Fuck. right. OFF!

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