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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my husband’s first question

143 replies

AnneTwackie · 19/02/2020 18:55

3 years ago I left my career that I had just qualified for to have our unexpected baby, we both agreed we didn’t want to go down the full time childcare route so I have childminded for 3 years. Apart from the first 6 months I have paid half to all bills. Now my son is ready for preschool and will get funding but the nursery we want him to attend charges a supplement. We agreed we’d pay £60 each despite him earning at least £10k more than me as a childminder.

I’ve suggested I might do something else part time with the days he’s in nursery and I saw the perfect part time job today. I’ve had a shit day childminding and said when he got in ‘I’ve seen a job I really want!’ His reply, before asking about the job, was ‘if you’re going to be making more money we need to talk about whose paying for his childcare’. AIBU to think that is horrible?

OP posts:
mnthrowaway202020 · 20/02/2020 16:26

His response has honestly made him look worse.

I would ask him why it’s your responsibility to provide childcare and not a 50/50 responsibility. How is it a simple question about finances when he expects you to foot the bill 100%? It’s clear he has underlying issues and thinks it’s the woman’s job etc

PanettoneEater · 20/02/2020 16:33

I don’t understand his response. Why did he need to ask ‘a simple question about finances’ unless the outcome was to be you paying more than he does for the care of a child that is jointly yours.

LannieDuck · 20/02/2020 17:32

Ask him what he meant by it. Did he mean that he doesn't want to do 50:50 anymore? (...and watch him back-track from that one quickly!)

Candyfloss99 · 20/02/2020 17:33

Horrible man

SunshineCake · 20/02/2020 17:41

He really is being horrible. Keep on at him, OP, don't let this go Angry.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 20/02/2020 17:43

Awful!

Bad/thick/abusive men seem to think that "oh women wanted equality so pay half then" but are usually the type to rarely do half the child rearing and housework

Hadalifeonce · 20/02/2020 18:00

Suggest to your DH that you set up a joint account, and all earned money goes into it; you each take an allowance into sole accounts which is yours to spend however you want, and all household expenses, including all child expenses (care/clothing/clubs etc) come out of the joint account.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 20/02/2020 18:21

Talked it through. Tbh I think I’ve looked after everything child related for so long it hadn’t really occurred to him that this would be his responsibility too. He’s apologised.
Thanks for all your responses. I do like our finances separate and just put the same amount in each for bills.

OP posts:
TheMaskedTulip · 20/02/2020 18:31

There’s more backstory to the dynamics in this relationship that a simple YANBU. For example, why does the OP consistently refer to “my son”. Surely it should be “our son”. Secondly the OP openly admits to not paying any bills for 6 months. To the OP I think YABU.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 20/02/2020 18:41

tulip apart from where I call him ‘our baby’. He is our son. I didn’t pay bills for 6 months whilst I had the baby and set up childminding I.e. wasn’t working.

OP posts:
Oswin · 20/02/2020 18:43

Masked tulips you mean the first six months, after op had a baby. Then even though op was earning a lot less then did 50/50.
Even though op was earning a lot less. A choice that the dp made.

So he wanted to not pay childcare but have op pay 50/50.

How the fuck is up bu?

TheMaskedTulip · 20/02/2020 18:59

@Oswin I’m not sure what you mean. Can you repost in clear english? And please refrain from swearing. It does not validate any point.

RedRed9 · 20/02/2020 19:17

@TheMaskedTulip I agree that there is always more backstory to an OP. However, here, there is enough information to lean to a YANBU vote and I’m surprised you think the OP is being UR.

How do you expect the OP to have paid towards the bills for the 6months she was caring for their son? If the husband had stayed on paternity leave for the 6months instead of the mother, would he still be expected to pay the bills while he was caring for their son and not bringing any money in?

When you make a child together you need to pull together towards being a family.

Oswin · 20/02/2020 20:14

The op didn't pay for six months because she had just had a baby.
How does that lead you to think the op is bu.

The op then started contributing 50/50 to bills. Even though she earned a lot less.

I didn't swear to validate my point. I swore to emphasise how shocking I find your post.

That you think a women who has just given birth should be still paying the bills is awful.

timeisnotaline · 20/02/2020 20:16

the op openly admits to not paying any bills for 6 months. I think I’m sorry for someone who thinks that’s worth commenting on when it is about the 6 months of giving birth and looking after a newborn. This period is not earning money so not contributing to bills but making a substantial contribution to family life which is recognised by the dad, for everyone I know.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 20/02/2020 21:31

For example, why does the OP consistently refer to “my son”. Surely it should be “our son”.

What on earth @TheMaskedTulip?!

OP literally says our baby once and my son once in her first post. That's it.

Odd to just make shit up when everyone is reading the same thread...

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/02/2020 01:37

I’m not sure what you mean. Can you repost in clear english?

Well the OP posted in clear English and you managed to manipulate that to suit your weird opinions so I'm not sure whether there's much point in posters changing the language they're using to suit you @TheMaskedTulip

PHD1988 · 21/02/2020 03:45

It depends. Are you currently paying half of all household bills? if you're not then he is justified in asking you to pay a bit more for childcare. If you are paying half of all bills then he's just being a prick.

Friendsofmine · 21/02/2020 09:41

That's good he apologised.

I also think it's best to have separate accounts and pay into a pot for family expenses. It seems most of us who have left a spouse or been cheated on and abandoned agree as we've learnt from experience the pitfalls of one account only.

NearlyGranny · 21/02/2020 09:48

Funny how he insisted on that 50:50 ceiling when he was the higher earner but it's instantly up for re-negotiation if you start earning more...

More than a whiff of financial abuser about that sort of thinking.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/02/2020 09:48

Why aren’t the bills split proportionately by earnings? If you are earning 1/3 and he is earning 2/3 then the bills should have the same split.

I say this as the higher earner in our household.

poopbear · 21/02/2020 09:51

He’s a prick. Simples.

Ozziewozzie · 21/02/2020 09:58

@Nanny0gg Big thumbs up from me.

TheMaskedTulip · 21/02/2020 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PanettoneEater · 21/02/2020 14:45

You can see the OP is being unreasonable to pay half of all the bills. Not pay bills for six months after giving birth but using that time to set up a business and then pay half of all of the bills while doing all of the childcare and earning less money. You also think it’s reasonable that as soon as she might earn a little more money she should pay more than half of the childcare for a child they both created?

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