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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be terrified by the Australian rugby coach setting his family on fire?

482 replies

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 19/02/2020 11:55

In brief: earlier today an Australian ex-rugby player was in the car with his wife and their three children, poured petrol over her and set her alight. She, he and the children all died. The parents were ending their marriage and disputing custody over the children.

It’s absolutely horrific and I just wonder why there seem to be no depths to which some men - and it almost always is men - will sink when it comes to asserting their dominance over women and children. Throwing acid over them seems to be the newest ‘thing’ over the past 3 years. Assault, rape, stalking, harassment, murder are so common as to be un-newsworthy.

It scares me. My exH was abusive and I have a non-molestation order to prevent him from continuing the abuse. At the back of my mind I worry about him taking something I do/say as pushing him too far and being seriously hurt or killed. What if he decides one day to kill our DC?

Why won’t men sort their lives out and put an end to this horrific violence?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 14:39

powershowerforanhour

Yeah, it's disgusting.

Have a google of Clint Rickards for what the police (including Rickards, Assistant Police Commissioner, tipped to become The NZ Police Commissioner) were up to 20 years ago.

Hint: covering up rape of young girls by serving and senior police officers.

There's a reason DV goes largely unchecked in NZ.

It wasn't a shock that Rowan Baxter turned out to be a Kiwi. Frankly, it was expected.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/02/2020 17:35

Pics , I think that’s uncalled for . No nation has a monopoly on male
abuse . It’s a global issue , albeit worse in some places but no creed , religion or race is immune . That’s in the first chapter
Of Lundy Bancroft !

What’s scary is he had no job or money , he was clearly a waster and financially Abusive too . So when the chips came down and He lost her (money?) he did this . This is NOT an excuse it just freaks me as same scenario with my ex . I always had a fear he would get desperate like this . I don’t think (some) men are literally able to cope losing their ‘pride’

Rot in hell Rowan

pelirocco123 · 22/02/2020 17:39

Unfortunately news stories sometimes result in copy cat actions
It's not just men btw there have been women who have killed their children when they commit suicide

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 22/02/2020 19:50

Yes, I recently read about one who killed herself and her child when she was diagnosed with a fatal condition and her severely disabled child would not be able to fend for herself once her mother was dead... And another whose disabled child was the victim of horrific bullying and the mother threw them both off a bridge in front of a train... Cases like this one, in fact: www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/nov/18/tania-clarence-hospital-order-sentence-killed-three-disabled-children

This from www.crimetraveller.org/2019/05/family-annihilation-crimes-psychology-familicide/ sums it up, though:
"The Family Annihilator Is Almost Always Male
"It cannot be ignored that in an estimated 95% of cases the perpetrator is male and the ‘head of the household’."

plus
"Another key factor in these types of killings appears to be a rage from the male when he feels he has been wronged by his partner, whether this is due to the partnership breaking down, an affair in the marriage and/or difficulties surrounding access to the children."

Funnily enough, women don't seem to have that motive much: desperation rather than anger appears to be their driver.

(Men in Australia throwing petrol over women and setting them alight is not new, so I don't think copycatting this case is likely to be any worse than copycatting all the others has been.)

mbosnz · 22/02/2020 19:57

When it comes to DV in NZ, please, while researching Clint Rickards, also google Louise Nicholas.

NZ definitely has a DV problem. It does not shy away from that. It does not seek to deflect attention from that by throwing shade on other countries suffering from the same problems.

But it sure as hell is trying to do something about it, and this woman, central to the Rickards case, is a huge part of it.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 19:58

Pics , I think that’s uncalled for . No nation has a monopoly on male
abuse

NZ = highest rate of domestic violence in the developed world. It's not well known, not sufficiently addressed (the local denial is terrible actually), part of the reason I'm calling it out.

Okbutno · 22/02/2020 20:06

This is horrific. I can't even imagine the fear. His poor wife and children. I didn't see this story until now. The reporting is pretty messed up.

mbosnz · 22/02/2020 20:06

PicsinRed, would you mind providing a link to back up that statement please? Because the stat's I'm finding do not back that up.

Not attempting to minimise the appalling domestic violence rate in NZ by the way. Our statistics are terrible. One of those statistics was a family member of mine.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 20:26

Just to round it off, here's a good one on what the UN thinks of our Family Court - and the further shocking abuse of DV victims in that space.

www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/new-zealand/andrew-little-rejects-un-womens-committee-call-royal-commission-into-new-zealand-family-court

How disappointing for us all. Hmm

mbosnz · 22/02/2020 20:36

Fair enough.

MissChardonnay · 22/02/2020 21:03

Here's a radical idea.

Maybe us women should stop dating arseholes and then it would be impossible to be killed by your arsehole partner/ex. As another poster noted above, most of these men don't 'snap', they exhibit this behaviour from the start and women still chase after them because everybody loves a badboy.

I'm sure people will try to refute this, but it's been proven time and time again that assertiveness/dominance is an attractive characteristic in a man for most women.

These are the type of men who don't like being told 'no'.

mbosnz · 22/02/2020 21:09

I'd say that's victim blaming to the nth degree MissChardonnay.

MissChardonnay · 22/02/2020 21:30

To be honest, much of what gets called 'victim blaming' seems like common sense to me.

If somebody walks through a dodgy area after dark, disregarding the genuine possibility of being attacked for the simple reason that they shouldn't be, then they're a bit stupid IMO. To quote a previous poster, I should be able to leave my life savings in a suitcase on the lawn but I'm certainly not going to.

I really don't know why so many women go for these types of guys. I often wonder if it's because some subsconscious primal instinct identifies them as 'a better protector' than the wimpy guy. But it's definitely a thing that strong, assertive, masculine, men get the women. These are also likely to be more volatile men who don't like being told 'no', so prioritising these men as partners is actively supporting toxic masculinity/the patriarchy.

I really feel this is the elephant in the room which many feminists don't like to discuss, but it's an important factor.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 21:31

There are plenty of "Nice Guys" who turn out to be controlling, abusive, entitled nutcases.

The answer is for men to stop murdering women and children (and other men). It really is.

PicsInRed · 22/02/2020 21:33

You're missing a trick, there, MissChardonay. Women don't "go" for the abusive man. The abuser actually targets the victim.

MissChardonnay · 22/02/2020 21:36

...and tbh I don't really feel it's my job to police all the women who choose to date misogynistic arseholes, so I can hardly sit there and demand that all men need to take responsibility for the violent minority.

MissChardonnay · 22/02/2020 21:48

There are plenty of "Nice Guys" who turn out to be controlling, abusive, entitled nutcases.

So to look at the example in hand....a macho rugby player with previous court orders, who certain relatives claim has always been a 'frightening individual'.

Between him and the nerdy dungeons and dragons enthusiast I'm pretty sure who I'd identify as most likely to commit a violent crime (whilst acknowledging that sometimes nice guys do 'snap', which seemingly isn't what happened here).

It's a trope throughout our culture. Even innocuous classics loved by many women (like Dirty Dancing and Grease) feature the 'good girl' turned streetwise by the bad boy. Sadly, it often doesn't turn out like in the movies and the 'sexy, dangerous' guy just turns out to be dangerous.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/02/2020 22:21

If you seiously think that your ex is threatening your kids safety, you have to withhold contact and immediately contact cafcas

TheValeyard · 23/02/2020 01:17

Maybe us women should stop dating arseholes

Not the worst idea in the world. One of my friends claimed she would only go for 'arseholes' and didn't like 'nice guys' then would act all shocked when the arseholes behaved like arseholes.

MissChardonnay · 23/02/2020 03:28

I appreciate that my comment wasn't vsry nuanced, but there seems to be a huge disconnect in our society between decrying toxic masculinity but then celebrating macho men.

NearlyGranny · 23/02/2020 07:24

MissChardonnay, it's so lucky for all of us that the men who are going to turn out to be abusive thoughtfully hang a label round their necks to warn us!

Oh that everyone had your wisdom and discernment - there would be no need for anyone to suffer. You should write a book and solve an age-old problem at a stroke. Failing that, I recommend you to read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft, which may open your eyes a little if you are ready to learn instead of lecture.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 23/02/2020 07:46

Maybe us women should stop dating arseholes

I’m not sure how that will help. It will just lead to more Incels and more Elliot Rodgers. There’s a positive correlation between the number of single men and the level of violence.

Username109876 · 23/02/2020 07:48

The story is absolutely horrific, that poor family. As another PP said, maybe it's better that she passed rather than living with such horrific injuries and disfigurement, that would have been zero quality of life.
I think they should have done more to protect the family. Not allowing him within 20 metres was just a waste of time. They could have put an ankle tag on him or something to ensure he was not going within her vicinity.
This man was dangerous and I feel that not enough had been done to protect the lady and her children.
My ex hit me, and threatened to smash my face up. There were no kids involved luckily, and after we broke up he started playing Mr nice guy. I was in my early 20s and it took me a while to realise that what he did, along with the daily insults, was abuse.
It's far too common, it really does worry me, I know women do it too. There is the Freedom programme and other resources in place to help idenfity these bastards early on, which is great.
But it's still going to keep happening, just the same as non DV murders will happen all over the world, which is very saddening.