AIB an U wife / person generally

[tempnamechange98765]

DH and I have been married 6 years, together about 10, 2 DCs age 4 and 1.

I love him, I do, he's a kind man.

But he annoys me SO much what seems like a large proportion of our lives lately. He is slow with no urgency, a faffer, and so forgetful. I also think he's lazy in some ways, although he does also do his fair share to an extent in terms of house work.

I find myself constantly nagging/pointing out things he's done wrong and it almost always causes arguments, often in front of the DC which I hate. He gets very defensive if he feels he's being criticised, but I just can't help myself a lot of the time as I feel he should just be...better?

Examples of things I can't help pointing out/nagging:

• leaves the fridge open all the time
• forgets to do things that are his job, eg this morning baby DC is in nursery, DH is responsible for packing his bag. I had to ask him/remind him to put a bottle and formula in there. When I took DC to nursery after DH had already gone to work, I checked to see if his snuggly was in there and it wasn't. If I hadn't checked and put it in there myself (involving hunting for it) DC wouldn't have had it for his naps and would've got upset.
• doesn't do things I ask, even though I end up asking several times. I often feel like I should just do everything myself, but then that's unfair. The mental load always falls to me. These things could be as simple as getting DC things down from the loft, or contacting home insurance to see if we can claim for some damage to our house. There's certain weekly things he'll always remember to do eg put the bins out, but if it's as hoc stuff, he would never take the initiative, and when I ask him again and again, he accuses me of ordering him/nagging him etc.

Our relationship is becoming very fraught because of this constant bickering, but I just can't help myself to say something and don't feel like I should let certain things go.

But should I? AIBU and a bitch? Should I just accept him for who he is (he admits he's forgetful, faffy etc). I feel like our marriage isn't going to last as I just find myself irritated a large proportion of time.

I don't think YABU, nagging is a horridly sexist word and you wouldn't need to nag if he just bloody did it.

You need to have a Frank conversation and say he needs to step up - my DH is the same and I end up getting horribly stressed overwhelmed and then he steps up. I don't know if I'll be able to sustain the levels of stress that it causes long term but he is getting better everytime he sees me on the edge.

Only you know if it annoys you enough to end the marriage! You don't need anyone else's permission for that.

If you want to make it work, wouldn't a combination of (1) leaving him to do his tasks (and not checking to see if he's done them to your liking), (2) jointly creating a planner or whiteboard in the kitchen to help with remembering ad hoc tasks and (3) potentially delegating more stuff that he is good at to him and leaving stuff like calling the insurance to you (play to your strengths, if it's possible to rearrange stuff).

If he is telling you he is forgetful and a faffer, he's not going to transform because you get cross at him (even though this may well be unfair to you).

No, you aren't BU. The mental load is very real and something a lot of people (not just men) just don't get. My stbexh, never understood it and just said if you want something doing then just ask, argh, it doesn't work that way!!!

You need to sit him down and go through everything and divide and conquer. Mine did get a little better, but ultimately was just lazy and didn't respect me enough to just get on with it - he has admitted this.

Only you can decided if these things alone are a deal breaker, for many these issues wouldn't be an issues, but for you they clearly are for you. Eventually they start to add up and everything starts to great on you.

I hope he sit's up and listens and this is something that can be worked on and improved for the sake of a harmonious home x

Can you start a list on the fridge door or something? Eg put bins out, get x from loft, speak to home insurance... and then once a week sit down and say "right, which jobs do you want?" And divide them up. You can each cross off your tasks when done and hopefully you won't have to chase him about things. If he hasn't done his tasks by the next week, they carry over. This way, he can see everything you do around the house and also see why you are getting frustrated without you having to say "I asked you to do X 6 weeks ago!"

Also, writing things on a piece of paper takes it out of your head, so hopefully you won't be carrying the mental load around all the time.

I feel for you as my OH is sometimes like this - however, he has ADHD and when he's medicated he's much better.

This doesn't mean that you OH has ADHD, though. But it's worth considering, and there are plenty of strategies to improve the symptoms of ADHD that would still be useful if he is just a forgetful and faffy person, rather than deliberately lazy.

It sounds as if he has always been like that, so has something changed for you recently OP? I always wonder what tips people over the edge, often it's something really small and not a big thing at all.

I would pick one time slot a day to remind him of things and don't make it in front of the children! No reminders outside of that time. As a PP said, a list clearly visible of the ad-hoc jobs (such as contacting the insurance) that gets checked by both of you weekly.

Thanks all.

We've had this conversation so many times. He always says he will do more, and he does do a lot on the surface don't get me wrong - he does loads of the shitty jobs eg painting, hoovering, cooking. He will never shirk on OBVIOUS things that need doing eg if the dishwasher has finished, he'll unload it no question. I think that's what makes it difficult is that for the ad hoc stuff, there's not a clear division - I agree 100% with posters who've mentioned division of labour, as that's what I try and do.

When I went back to work after DC2 we agreed to split responsibility for their admin type stuff (like packing nursery bags!). I volunteered to take DS as he's in pre school so has more things to organise eg home craft projects, fancy dress for world book day etc. Whereas DC2 is only in private nursery so there's not so much to organise. But he still needed reminding to pack his bag this week! And I was taking DC2 to nursery so I couldn't really turn up with none of the stuff he needed. I would have just not done it out of spite but then it's DC who'd be disadvantaged without a bottle/snuggly. I haven't pointed out yet that I had to add the snuggly myself, but this is the kind of thing that'll get a "you're constantly criticising/ordering me around" comment.

I actually do wonder about ADHD. I've suggested it to DH that he get tested but obviously he won't remember to/bother to organise it. Can I ask what were the big signs for your DP honeyloops?

Chiccroissant it's since we've had the DC for sure. Previously things didn't really matter as we lived much more independently, sorting our own lives out.

He has always been like this though, and careless. When he was much younger he got himself into a lot of debt because of reckless spending when he had little income/burying his head in the sand/not asking for help. He has cleared that now thankfully, but I don't think he's ever organised his life particularly well. And it's only affecting me really now that we have two small people to also organise/plan for.

I could have written this myself. God I love the very bones of my DH but I feel like I should not have to move his used teabags, go into the kitchen and sweep the crumbs up where he's stood to eat his breakfast as he won't sit at the table... there's more too.

I absolutely hate nagging but it's so frustrating!

He also does his fair share of housework but only stuff set in stone like bins, ironing etc as he understands the routine of it. Anything random or outside his eyeline isn't going to happen.

I sometimes feel like putting little post-it notes all over the kitchen to remind him where things go...

OP I genuinely feel for you.

If he has always been like this, then I do wonder if it is realistic to get him to change. Not disagreeing at all with your points about the unfairness of you carrying the mental load -but if it has always been this way then I do wonder if significant change in his personality/abilities is possible.

I can understand why all of these things annoy you. However, it sounds like he is the same person he was ten years ago, but now you are expecting him to change.

He needs to bear the consequences of his actions. At the moment you're 'mopping up' after him, making everything right.

It's really hard but you need to divide tasks, so it's very clear who is responsible for what. Then leave him to it. If that means everything in the fridge goes mouldy, so be it. even if it means a child being upset one day, then, provided he is the one to deal with that upset, so be it.

'Nagging' is a viciously hateful, specifically misogynistic word. I would not take that accusation, or waking up to the reality of being married to a nasty sexist who fundamentally believes hs is more important and that you are his servant, lightly.

My now ExH used to be like this - like yours he would do all the shitty jobs but when it came to organising Christmas, birthdays, holidays, kids appointments - that all came down to me. I got fed up with it one year and left it to him to sort out a holiday. We didn't go on a holiday that year. The following year (2012) he didn't organise his leave from work so said we would have had to delay our trip by 5 days thus shortening our time away - I decided to take the kids myself (we were camping) and he could join us in 5 days. Looking back I think that was the beginning of the end of our relationship - he was expecting all of us to miss the start of our holiday because he was.

We split up five years ago now and hes remarried - to someone who does apparently does all the admin and he doesn't have to make any decisions . I'm still on my own but its somehow easier to bear the whole mental load when there isn't anyone else who COULD do it! Although kids now young adults and rarely at home

I would make a checklist to use when packing bag.

I sympathise. Mine is a lot like this too. He cannot remember to do something unless he’s written it down. And even then he may forget. I have to remind and remind him so that, yes, I feel like a right nag. Also hate the word.... It was fine pre child because he just had to adult for himself. He does have to do a heck of a lot of the paperwork as I’m too ill to do it. But that’s predictable stuff so he can cope. When I had surgery, I literally had to write a blow by blow account of what to do with dd. I think mine quite possibly has autism btw. He’s becoming more and more like his father as he ages. His father has several autistic traits.

Could you both maybe give some therapy a try? You haven’t fallen out of love with him, but you are going through a hard patch, so it sounds like you could work on things? Maybe you both need to find better ways to communicate? He also sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the arse to realise he has to step up now he has kids.

Right I'm currently drafting a list of all the things I can think of, down to each individual bill. Clear delegation is definitely the only way, even as hoc stuff.

It's interesting to hear so many others have this - I'm torn between thinking he maybe has ADHD to thinking sadly this is often the way things are. I think my dad is a bit like this.

Well, we've already had it, as on every one of these threads, the ADHD, ASD, mental health excuse. Does he do the same at work? Does he 'forget' things like this at work? If the answer is no, you have your answer.

My dh can be irritating in a similar way, tough concerning different things. He cannot follow a simple shopping list, doesn't always listen enough to take in things I say to him and seems incapable of remembering where anything is stored. We have been married for over 30 years and he is otherwise a wonderful husband, caring, loving and he really pulls his weight with the sort of domestic stuff I don't want to do, such as the garden and mending things. To ensure harmony I simply don't ask him to go shopping any more or ask him to do things without confirming by text or leaving a note. It makes for more harmonious living if we simply re allocate the tasks according to our talents. In the past I have really had a go at him and he has really tried in the difficult areas, but it can't be sustained. i think his brain just works in a different way to mine.

As someone who’s married to a partner who’s developed nagging into an art form, I can’t see it as a misogynist term, men are just as capable of doing it!

Can you not play to his strengths? Look at the things he’s good at and make them his responsibility. It’s obvious that bag packing isn’t his forte so substitute something else.

Mine does all the cooking, hoovering, window cleaning and a fair bit of food shopping. He also gets both cars washed and organises all the utilities. I do the other cleaning, laundry and gardening. If I didn’t at least remind him nobody would get a birthday card or present but he’s good at finding the perfect gift, which I wrap. It works for us because we know where our strengths lie and allocate accordingly.

The fridge door hit a nerve with me, I’m always pushing it closed and sighing heavily but I’ve yet to find a way of stopping forgetfulness. If anyone knows a cure, please share!

I could have totally written this myself. I feel your pain. Husband this morning forgot to ask kids to brush their teeth. Infuriated me no bounds

He said he "didn't know their routine, still getting used to it"

OLDEST IS BLOODY 4.5 AND HE BLOODY BRUSHES HIS TEETH EVERYDAY SO HOW DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

OP,
He is not prioritising this stuff so he doesn't care.
When he doesn't check your childs bag for nursery its because he doesn't care enough about his childs comfort to do it.
This would piss me off.
It's so unattractive in a man to be a dizzy twit.
Tell him how much upsets you when he disregards things like your sons bag.
Sort out your contraception because its u likely you would survive a 3rd child.

Life gets busier as children grow.
Women definitely fall out of love with partners that just don't try and share the load.

Oh an the fridge being left open is moronic.

I don't know why you let it bug you. Different people are good at different things - strengths and weaknesses. You admit he does a fair share of chores around the house. He's just not any good at the small stuff, admin, remembering little things. So be it. If you can't deal with it, you get rows, bad feeling, atmospheres, and the DC being affected.

He's just doing and not doing what he can get away with. Simple as that really.

It's all about priorities and consequences.

I found myself so frazzled that I've just stopped doing things for him if they stress me. I do the kids and me.

He's had to sort his own car insurance, MOT, servicing, road tax (previously I did all that). I've stopped hunting round the house for his laundry, or even doing his laundry (I use a service instead now, since he never folded anything and just left it all in a basket in the kitchen crumpled until I finally did it), I'll ask him if he needs anything from the shop, but I won't go out of my way to refresh things he hasn't mentioned. I don't clear up after him (mugs in living room, hot sauce and dirty bowls on dining table). I keep my head above water by just looking after myself and the kids.

I'm not saying it's a brilliiant plan, but he is perfectly capable, and he is seeing some of the stress involved in the stuff I'd previously done for him, and I feel like I have some mental space back, which I really, really needed.