AIB an U wife / person generally

[tempnamechange98765]

DH and I have been married 6 years, together about 10, 2 DCs age 4 and 1.

I love him, I do, he's a kind man.

But he annoys me SO much what seems like a large proportion of our lives lately. He is slow with no urgency, a faffer, and so forgetful. I also think he's lazy in some ways, although he does also do his fair share to an extent in terms of house work.

I find myself constantly nagging/pointing out things he's done wrong and it almost always causes arguments, often in front of the DC which I hate. He gets very defensive if he feels he's being criticised, but I just can't help myself a lot of the time as I feel he should just be...better?

Examples of things I can't help pointing out/nagging:

• leaves the fridge open all the time
• forgets to do things that are his job, eg this morning baby DC is in nursery, DH is responsible for packing his bag. I had to ask him/remind him to put a bottle and formula in there. When I took DC to nursery after DH had already gone to work, I checked to see if his snuggly was in there and it wasn't. If I hadn't checked and put it in there myself (involving hunting for it) DC wouldn't have had it for his naps and would've got upset.
• doesn't do things I ask, even though I end up asking several times. I often feel like I should just do everything myself, but then that's unfair. The mental load always falls to me. These things could be as simple as getting DC things down from the loft, or contacting home insurance to see if we can claim for some damage to our house. There's certain weekly things he'll always remember to do eg put the bins out, but if it's as hoc stuff, he would never take the initiative, and when I ask him again and again, he accuses me of ordering him/nagging him etc.

Our relationship is becoming very fraught because of this constant bickering, but I just can't help myself to say something and don't feel like I should let certain things go.

But should I? AIBU and a bitch? Should I just accept him for who he is (he admits he's forgetful, faffy etc). I feel like our marriage isn't going to last as I just find myself irritated a large proportion of time.

I am your husband OP blush

My DP is extremely organised and likes things to be a certain way and maximally efficient. I am... not like that. I know to him I must seem hideously disorganised and like I 'expect him' to do a lot of the mental load; but the fact is I don't expect anything, I just have a completely different set of priorities.

So the snuggy I would never forget, because it would make someone sad. But crumbs on the table might sit there until dinner time. Toys don't have to go straight back in the toybox. I might stick the DVD that just came out of the drive into the case of the one I'm putting in rather than dig out the proper case right that minute. I might decide that OK we made a menu and it's pasta but tonight I really fancy a jacket potato. Little one is tired and cranky this evening but perfectly clean, so probably doesn't HAVE to have a bath just because that's the routine. And I do forget to make admin-y calls, or forget a detail and have to ring back again to clarify. I'm a bit rubbish at budgeting (my own spending money, not family money). We hang the laundry in the attic in winter, and until I run out of pants I'll honestly forget that it's up there!

But I never forget to keep my tone gentle and calm when speaking to our child (even if I'm ready to scream inside); I never forget to be pleased to see DP or DD when I get home, or ask then how their day was, or hug them. I genuinely feel that a relaxed, pleasant atmosphere at home is more important than efficiency and perfection, and anything important enough will make you do it when it matters (e.g. no pants - oh yes, laundry's hanging upstairs!) I don't want to live my (actually very pleasant comfortable) life anxious and stressed.

But I don't want him to be either so I do try my best. But he's very hard to please; he lets perfect be the enemy of 'good enough'. And the importance he places on everything being done ASAP and done perfectly makes him very tense and sometimes very grumpy, which makes our homelife stressful.

DP and I talked about this a few times; on one occasion he confided that he fears my way is the first step to an inevitable slide into 'chaos' - as if you can't just let the toys lie on the carpet one night, or they'll be piled up to the ceiling before you know it. It's very all or nothing.

Not saying you're like this, or that my/your DH's way is the right way; just that there are completely different ways of seeing life and what 'needs' to be done... and maybe it's worth having a real discussion about what you both feel are 'needs' as his view may be very different from your and not necessarily wrong. People live perfectly successfully in so many different ways. Compatibility is obviously ideal, but compromise goes a long way too.

DP and I have largely gotten to the point where he accepts I'm doing my best, and I accept that he sometimes needs things a certain way and will sometimes get a bit stressy. But I'm not going to live my life in a state of anticipatory stress continuously trying to guess what he will think should be done and how to avoid him getting annoyed, as I will fail anyway; but he will tell me if he feels he has too much on his plate, and anything he asks me to sort out I will. And I have the things I take care of that he doesn't like (mainly comms stuff with nursery, tradesmen, utilities etc). And I try not to feel like he's silently reproaching me when he takes the cup I have LITERALLY just finished drinking from and puts it straight in the dishwasher!

there is a veyr good blog post called something like - she left me because I put the cup in the sink.

It is about a man whose marriage broke down, and now, finally he gets it. He talks about respect and the implications behind it - ie, I think that you will tidy up behind me, therfore my view of you is as a cleaner, not a partner

Worth looking up and giving to your dh.

It requires them to find a way to remember. Eg if he has to pack the nursery bag, then HE (not you) has to work out a way to remember everything. It isn't rocket science - make a list! (as in HE needs to make a list)

Hi. Just wondering if it would be helpful in your case to have permanent 'his' and 'her' jobs (and I don't mean that in the sexist way!)

So instead of saying "today is Tuesday, so it's your turn to cook the dinner" then put him in full charge of all the weekdays dinner (or whatever), then there is no confusion.

Sit him down with a list of all the things he will be responsible for and another for yourself. Stick it up on the fridge until he gets the hang of it.

Good luck

I literally got back from relationship counselling last night for this exact reason. We are at breaking point and no amount of reminding makes any difference (and why the bloody hell should I anyway). I don't known if we will make it through as the levels of my resentment, anger and frustration at his inability to share mental load are so high. You are not alone and I have no magic answers. I think he thinks I am just a nagging wife but we both work FT and I just can't sustain all the responsibility. It has massively affected how I feel about my DH.

So@tempnamechange98765, you are not alone and I feel your pain. I know I can't continue like this. Something has to change. Good luck.

Sorry, meant to tag you properly @tempnamechange98765

it's here:
here

Your comments around telling him things he has done wrong jump out at me. I was on a parenting course when it was pointed out to me that sometimes it’s the way we say things that lead to a break down in communication. If you keep treating him like he has ‘done things wrong’ he will not feel good about himself or you.
Having a baby and being busy is very stressful. Maybe he is not as good as you at remembering every thing. Why don’t you sit down together and brainstorm lists of things for important tasks such as packing the babies bag. My mum used to nag me all the time - it was so stressful that I shut off to what she was saying to cope with how bad she made me feel about myself and it resulted in me not ‘hearing’ what she was saying.

If your baby doesn’t have the stuff he needs at nursery can the nursery staff phone your husband to fetch it in? Maybe a few days of being inconvenienced would sort his organisation skills out.

It drives me fucking insane when people suggest writing lists for men. Why are women the default “knowers of what everyone needs”? Why can’t a man just use his adult brain and figure it out for himself like a woman is expected to? It’s amazing isn’t it how all these men manage to get through their working day without a fucking list!

Sometimes though things don’t get packed by mistake though. Ds is tube fed and I hold my hands up that before now I have forgotten to pack it before now.

If his skills lie elsewhere would splitting jobs so that you are both mainly doing the jobs that your good at not be easier? So if your organised you take on the organising jobs while he does the bits by your own admission he is good at

Why can’t a man just use his adult brain and figure it out for himself like a woman is expected to?

Because their brains are wired differently!

It’s amazing isn’t it how all these men manage to get through their working day without a fucking list!

A lot of them don’t. And it’s a reason why you rarely, if ever, find a man working in a detail driven job like event management. Differences between the sexes aren’t confined to the genitals!

Hmm. He does more than my OH who does virtually nothing domestically and even worse, seems oblivious to the huge load I carry plus working full time.

But I am older now and a bad chooser of men with domestic skills. I am also a feminist, not that you'd notice.

I was single for 15 years and TBH I hated it. My current DH is handsome, charming, social, lucky and loves me. I feel I am the pit pony in the relationship and he's the pit owner.

From time to time we bicker over this and then he'll try to do something which is done so utterly nonsensically irritatingly badly that it makes me crosser than if he'd not tried at all.

So no great help except that I've had to think really hard about whether I want to be single again and I don't. I love OH. Nor do I want a horrible atmosphere. So I get him to do what I can - and he does like driving so takes on most of that. Then I do virtually everything else. I guess I'm helped because our grown up children and steps (2 each) can see what goes on and they often help me and chide him.

Try all the tips - lists on fridge - doing things together - cookery courses - but if he can't/won't step up you'll have to decide what's your top priority..

OP I could have written your post - I really feel for you. It's similar for us, I hate the feeling that I 'run the show' and that I am nagging. It's eroded my respect for my DH and makes me question whether I am just highly strung and difficult to live with. However, I think @VeniceQueen2004 sums up the other side beautifully. My DH says he feels like he is waiting for me to find something not up to scratch and it makes him stressed too. I don't know the answer but I feel your pain - I hope you can work it out

My partner was the same maybe worse OP...It got to the point where I said I do not expect to have to ask more than once and I stuck to it. I asked once politely and calmly stating that I needed help with a certain task,nothing came of it.He sat and watched me struggle not a care in the world from him.The next day I had 2 different sets of workmen and handyman services in...he soon cared then when he had to pay the bills.Even now he is slack sometimes but I wouldnt hesitate to do it again and he knows this.I ask for and expect very little from him..I wouldnt ask him to do anything I wouldnt do but some things are beyond my capabilities and he could do them easily but I won;t beg or nag.I ask for help I either get it from him or I get it done and he pays for his laziness...He is not a child he is a grown up and if he chooses to forget which he can trust me I wont let things slide just to wait til he decides to get his arse in gear...

You're describing me years ago and 25+ years of a very dysfunctional marriage. The consequences of him not "tuning in" and not doing things he has committed to are at best exhausting and at worst catastrophic. Always having to check, and double-check and ask if he is listening is soul destroying. You will end up taking on all the tasks for an easier life. The less responsibility you give him = a more harmonious relationship, but it is knackering and in my experience, leads to resentment and unhappiness.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD 2 and a half years ago and is now on medication for the rest of his life.
I'm not saying ADHD, but as a PP has said, it is certainly worth checking out.
Not an easy path to tread and I am no relationship expert, but having 100% of the burden of life admin/mental load; turning into an administrator and not liking the sound of your own voice takes it's toll. I completely get it

My exh was just like this. Everything fell to me, or he would ask his dad... miraculously now we are not together he can organise DS/cook/run the house to an extent...its still a fucking mess with piles of his useless crap everywhere tho

Why in god’s name do so many women get themselves shackled to such useless men? I assume it’s for the pay cheque ultimately.

@tempnamechange98765

Division of tasks is a good place to start. List everything and give him a clear picture of what he is responsible for. I did this with my DH as he is just like your DH. He was then doing his share for a few weeks when it started to slip and I had to remind him of the list again.

I think my DH has always been this way but it wasn't evident until life became more full on with houses, wedding, DC etc. Now I feel stuck with resentment growing.

For me it is simple... I want DH to take his 50% share of life responsibilities. Right now we are 80/20 to me. If he cared and respected me he wouldn't let me drown in life like I am right now.

If you find the answer please share

All the 'but he's always been like this, what do you expect?' posts, miss the point that, while their personalities might not have changed, the amount of domestic work required has increased enormously.

That added burden need to be shared out fairly, regardless of 'what he's like'.

The mental and administrative load of doing all the planning, organising and being aware of everybody else's needs is enormous, in itself, before you even start on anything practical.

I think the mental and childcare stuff has to be viewed as a job-share to work well. That is, you do need quite a bit of overlap in being aware of the whole task and the clients' (DCs') needs, routines, likes and dislikes, to be able to hand over to each other successfully and trust each other to get the job done (not necessarily in exactly the same way you would but well enough). Just as with a job share at work.

And it’s a reason why you rarely, if ever, find a man working in a detail driven job like event management
Holy crapola that’s bollocks. Do you think getting a rocket into space isn’t a detailed job? Or brain surgery. Or medical research into just about anything. Or writing laws. Or meticulously arguing court cases that drag on for months. Or or or or or.

I would try and have him do whole tasks. Shopping for dinner and cooking it. So if he doesn’t shop he doesn’t have food to cook. Taking ds2 to nursery as well as packing his bag , staff instructed to ring him. And stand back. It’s shit. I’ve had some success with stand back, and he doesn’t want to be a shit dad (and mostly is great) so that’s a trigger for change for him, when it’s not doing something so I don’t have to check up on him, but instead it’s so his child isn’t miserable.

I know you said that you've talked to him. But have you actually sat down properly and explained that it is at the point where you reconsidering the marriage?

I listened to an interesting podcast where a couple listed all chores. Including the mental load. They evaluated the ammount of time and effort it took. Then divided based on strengths. So the wife forexmple took the handling of their child's dsycare calendar and a lot he today etc. On return the husband would take cleaning windows, vacuuming and dishes since those 3 tasks would make up the one task she had etc. So it was 50/50 with effort but not in the amount of tasks.

There must be tens of thousands of posts like this buried in MN over the years - I remember one of them labelled this behaviour as strategic incompetence (or you could just call it laziness, selfishness etc., they all fit) The point is (a) can it be fixed and (b) is it a deal breaker? My H is a very extreme example -I've also heard the term Captain Chaos and that fits him very well. So after 30+ years of marriage I want to separate.

The results of his behaviour have cost us thousands in ruined building works, poor financial planning, cars not being repaired to the point where they were dangerous- I could go on. Only you can decide how this will play out OP, maybe try some the tips here first, read up (Wifework always used to be the go to book on MN, certainly opened my eyes) and think about the future.

Good luck.

Just for balance, I can be like this. DP is a lot more organised and efficient than me, he will often moan at me for leaving the car unlocked for example or leaving the freezer open . I'm much more likely to forget something than him. It's not a trait that I like about myself and I can confirm it does make you feel a bit crap when you feel like someone is criticising everything you do. However, I do more housework than him and child related things so am certainly not just being lazy and thoughtless.

However, with things like forgetting the baby's bottle, surely he realises he's being U there? Are things like this a regular occurrence? I've forgotten things for my DC before, but never more than once, when the guilt sets in that my DC might have been mildly upset or unprepared due to my forgetfulness. If he has you however to pick up the slack then that won't properly sink in. I'd agree that you need to take a step back and let him face the consequences if some things don't get done.

Asking him to do things repeatedly as well is not on, if it's a case of genuinely forgetting then he needs to do it there and then or at the very least when you ask him again.

Work out what's important to you and what's not, if he left the fridge open and all your food went bad for example, would he sort it out? If so then let it go.

He is behaving like a child. You are now behaving like his mother.

Not sexy.

I've been in a relationship with someone like this for almost a decade. I've just accepted it as he does have a lot of redeeming features, and I don't find it too much of a burden. If we had kids it would be different, though. I think even though I earn significantly more than him, I would go part time or freelance, to ease the burden.

I suspect part of me quite enjoys being the more capable, responsible, proactive one in the relationship. I have a fear of being dependent on people and like to be in control.

You sound highly strung and he sounds more laid back.

You have two choices. You either learn to relax a bit eg rationalise a bit more. On a scale of 1-10 when 10 is death , how important is it, then think how important will it be in 5 years time.

Pick your arguments. What is really important and what is just an irritation
Nagging is not productive.