AIB an U wife / person generally

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DH and I have been married 6 years, together about 10, 2 DCs age 4 and 1.

I love him, I do, he's a kind man.

But he annoys me SO much what seems like a large proportion of our lives lately. He is slow with no urgency, a faffer, and so forgetful. I also think he's lazy in some ways, although he does also do his fair share to an extent in terms of house work.

I find myself constantly nagging/pointing out things he's done wrong and it almost always causes arguments, often in front of the DC which I hate. He gets very defensive if he feels he's being criticised, but I just can't help myself a lot of the time as I feel he should just be...better?

Examples of things I can't help pointing out/nagging:

• leaves the fridge open all the time
• forgets to do things that are his job, eg this morning baby DC is in nursery, DH is responsible for packing his bag. I had to ask him/remind him to put a bottle and formula in there. When I took DC to nursery after DH had already gone to work, I checked to see if his snuggly was in there and it wasn't. If I hadn't checked and put it in there myself (involving hunting for it) DC wouldn't have had it for his naps and would've got upset.
• doesn't do things I ask, even though I end up asking several times. I often feel like I should just do everything myself, but then that's unfair. The mental load always falls to me. These things could be as simple as getting DC things down from the loft, or contacting home insurance to see if we can claim for some damage to our house. There's certain weekly things he'll always remember to do eg put the bins out, but if it's as hoc stuff, he would never take the initiative, and when I ask him again and again, he accuses me of ordering him/nagging him etc.

Our relationship is becoming very fraught because of this constant bickering, but I just can't help myself to say something and don't feel like I should let certain things go.

But should I? AIBU and a bitch? Should I just accept him for who he is (he admits he's forgetful, faffy etc). I feel like our marriage isn't going to last as I just find myself irritated a large proportion of time.

Not to be the dissenting voice - but who says it has to be done your way? Who says you get to dictate everything? Why does it have to be your routine?

Honestly, it sounds like the OP would LOVE someone else to be doing the hard work of deciding how things should be done and implementing a system. I know I would. As it stands, her husband can't remember the basics of what needs doing, so perhaps being responsible for the system they use to keep their household running should be something he contributes to as he gains an understanding of what actually needs to be done.

OP - there is a 'to do' list feature on Famcal which we have used relatively successfully (once we both got into the habit of using it).

I think “shutting the fridge door” is pretty basic though, no? Doesn’t mean OP is uptight or dictatorial.

I'm not sure lists work. You can't possibly anticipate everything that needs to go on a list. I'd look again at the division of labour because it isn't working.
If your DH is good at the big obvious regular tasks then give him more of them. Play to both your strengths.
But I'd also let him make mistakes. If he hasn't packed the bag correctly, then he hasn't. It sounds obvious but the only way you can stop micro-managing him is for you to decide to stop.
I've had to accept that DH manages school uniforms differently from the way I did it; that he does the laundry differently, etc. And sometimes that means he makes mistakes. And sometimes it means the new uniforms I've bought don't get used when I'd expect them to... but actually that's ok.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD at 35. What you’re describing sounds very much like him. However, there is more to it than just being forgetful. My husband can not sit still. He’s pacing around on the phone, if we finish a meal in a restaurant he can’t just sit and relax. When we were younger he was always doing something else, like playing Snake on his old school Nokia, while having a conversation. His whole life is affected. He gets parking tickets and forgets to pay them. Not once or twice, but continually. He rarely finishes a project and is incapable of paying bills or doing life admin. He is chronically underemployed as a result for a man as clever as he is. He struggles to get to sleep and so is awful in the mornings. He’s impulsive and doesn’t easily think through the consequences to his actions.

Does your husband function very well in the rest of his life but is a bit useless at home? Probably not ADHD. If he struggles in many aspects, it could be worth an assessment. You will probably have to make the appointment!

I’m a generally organised person but since becoming perimenopausal I struggle with the incidental jobs. If it’s not well established in my routine, I might easily forget. Also, if I walk away from the oven or the hob, things will burn.
My Apple Watch is fantastic. Reminders set on my phone or iPad will wobble on my wrist. My watch will wobble when the dinner is done. I am much less frustrated with myself.

There’s an article here, see if it rings any bells. It was like a light going on for me www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.addrc.org/the-adhd-effect-on-marriage/amp/

Hmmm, I do agree with the mental load in principle but you know there are plenty of babies who manage a day through nursery without a snuggly and if he's forgotten to pack a bottle then presumably the nursery will need to ring him at work to sort it? It sounds like you might just want everything done your way and can't let him learn to parent. I think although an incompetent man child isn't attractive, neither is a micro managing woman who constantly needs to be Parent Number One who has Learned Everything.

Happy to read it is not just my partner who has the problem of not remembering to do things.

Well , it all depends on the relationship. I am easily as irritated as you by similar laziness/forgetfulness but if I started pointing it all out itd quickly poison our marriage. Just as an example of what I do v. What he does - we both work full-time: I pay all bills, arrange all car repairs/servicing/tyres, all food shopping and cooking, kids clothes, toiletries, school kit. I do bedtime most nights for 3 DC (all under 6). I arrange all insurance, major home repairs or renovation projects, mortgage renewal, childcare admin and payment. Stuff he does: bins, minor DIY jobs, lawn, hedge trimming. He doesn't even know how to log in to the joint account, as he has never done a single piece of financial admin.

Alsohuman was it Belbin you were thinking of? Great team exercise!

Yes, it was Belbin, thank you!

I honestly have no idea why pp think playing to your strengths is such a terrible idea. What’s the point of pressuring someone into doing a shit job that they hate every second of just for the hell of it? You certainly wouldn’t run a business that way.

I could've written this myself, my partner is exactly the same

My DH is like this too. If I send him to the supermarket with a list he forgets something pretty much every single time. The odd time I wouldn’t mind but he does it constantly and I don’t understand it when he has a list . He never thinks to do obvious jobs so at least your DH does that, mine would gladly leave the dishwasher until I emptied it and he never does the laundry. I also have to nag constantly to get things done otherwise I swear he’d live like a pig.

Honestly, it sounds like the OP would LOVE someone else to be doing the hard work of deciding how things should be done and implementing a system

My point is that there doesn't have to be a system.

Not everything has to be micromanaged and sometimes you are just relax and sort stuff out as you go. The nursery are paid to look after the DC. They would have found a solution or rang the husband.

If one person likes everything micromanaged and the other person is more laid back - neither is right and neither is wrong but one persons system doesn't get to reign.
You both have to adapt and OP needs to let her DH parent in his way and let him fail in his way too.
Or you could constantly bicker and fight as you try to force someone who doesn't think your way to do things your way while driving a wedge between you.

Ultimately you've been married for years, you are now asking him to changes because it's not being done your way. What is he asking you to change about who you have been for the last 10 years?

He routinely walks away leaving the fridge door open?!

You had me right there. No, YANBU. He lacks basic competence as an adult human. Heck, 5yo children shut the fridge.

Is he even employable employed? What sort of job is he able to do with so few observational skills and so little memory? Does he have a track record of sackings?

Are you quite sure this isn't strategic incompetence designed to ensure you do all the heavy lifting at home?

He routinely walks away leaving the fridge door open?!

Mine does it too.

I wouldn't choose the snuggly as the hill I'd die on. I'd get a second one and leave it at nursery.

A lot of logistics can be solved by having more than one of key things.

I honestly have no idea why pp think playing to your strengths is such a terrible idea. What’s the point of pressuring someone into doing a shit job that they hate every second of just for the hell of it? You certainly wouldn’t run a business that way.

Because someone has to do the shit jobs.

You can't both assume that the jobs you dislike can default to the other person. The result would be a pile of boring but essential jobs that never get done.

But that isn't true Lottie . We don't all think the same jobs are boring. I absolutely hate hoovering; putting the bins out; taking stuff to the recycling centre. DH loves all those things. I love cooking; building flat pack furniture and painting. DH hates them.

Sure, there are jobs people prefer. People should play to their strengths. That's great.

I do contend though, that the couple in which task preference is perfectly mirrored, is extremely rare.

There will always be some shitty, boring jobs that nobody wants to do.

The biggest problem is the assumption on one person's part that they can just not do the jobs they don't like and those things will still magically happen.

I didn’t say the jobs he preferred, I said the ones he was good at and didn’t have to be badgered to do. I never touch our bins, I don’t even know which day they’re collected, my husband can hardly be accused of creaming off the best jobs!

Who is leaving the fridge door open 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes the fridge door thing is particularly grating as it's not just untidy, food could get ruined! I could live with just a plain cupboard door being left open.

My 4 year old DC shuts the fridge after getting food out