AIB an U wife / person generally

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DH and I have been married 6 years, together about 10, 2 DCs age 4 and 1.

I love him, I do, he's a kind man.

But he annoys me SO much what seems like a large proportion of our lives lately. He is slow with no urgency, a faffer, and so forgetful. I also think he's lazy in some ways, although he does also do his fair share to an extent in terms of house work.

I find myself constantly nagging/pointing out things he's done wrong and it almost always causes arguments, often in front of the DC which I hate. He gets very defensive if he feels he's being criticised, but I just can't help myself a lot of the time as I feel he should just be...better?

Examples of things I can't help pointing out/nagging:

• leaves the fridge open all the time
• forgets to do things that are his job, eg this morning baby DC is in nursery, DH is responsible for packing his bag. I had to ask him/remind him to put a bottle and formula in there. When I took DC to nursery after DH had already gone to work, I checked to see if his snuggly was in there and it wasn't. If I hadn't checked and put it in there myself (involving hunting for it) DC wouldn't have had it for his naps and would've got upset.
• doesn't do things I ask, even though I end up asking several times. I often feel like I should just do everything myself, but then that's unfair. The mental load always falls to me. These things could be as simple as getting DC things down from the loft, or contacting home insurance to see if we can claim for some damage to our house. There's certain weekly things he'll always remember to do eg put the bins out, but if it's as hoc stuff, he would never take the initiative, and when I ask him again and again, he accuses me of ordering him/nagging him etc.

Our relationship is becoming very fraught because of this constant bickering, but I just can't help myself to say something and don't feel like I should let certain things go.

But should I? AIBU and a bitch? Should I just accept him for who he is (he admits he's forgetful, faffy etc). I feel like our marriage isn't going to last as I just find myself irritated a large proportion of time.

Closing the fridge door after you've been in there for something is basic adulting, not some fancy idea OP dreamed up to be unreasonable!

All I’m saying is he’s not the only one ..

It’s the work of a second to shut it. It pisses me off too.

You both have to adapt and OP needs to let her DH parent in his way and let him fail in his way too.

Leaving the fridge door open and failing to ring the insurance company aren't disputes over how to parent. They are things that affect everyone in the family if they aren't done. It's not about micro-managing simple tasks or choosing to parent in a different way, it's about asking a life partner to share the load of keeping a household running. It doesn't sound like the OP is holding her husband to unreasonably high standards, she just wants him to do the things he has agreed to do without her still having 'get husband to do x' on her to-do list to make sure it gets done. If he doesn't want to do them, or thinks there is a better way, then saying something would surely be preferable to just not doing them?

So many morons.. 😱

Honestly, only a complete gobshite of an adult would continuously leave a fridge open.

A complete gobshite.
OP

I didn’t say the jobs he preferred, I said the ones he was good at and didn’t have to be badgered to do.

And implicit in your phrase 'didn't have to be badgered to do' is my counter-argument that 'the assumption on one person's part that they can just not do the jobs they don't like and those things will still magically happen.'

So, those jobs he's not good at, she's not good at and neither of them wants to do. The everyday drudge work that no-one is good at or bad at. The stuff that just needs to be done...

The implication of your statement is that either she will do them (everything defaults to her), or she would need to 'badger him'. Again, a burden )mental and emotional) upon her.

The question at the bottom of this is, after all; how might it come about that he will pull his weight domestically, doing his share of the shit no-one wants to do, including taking responsibility for thinking about doing the shit no-one wants to do, without anyone having to 'badger' anybody?

Go on then. How?

Oh for goodness sake calm down.

Mostly excellent advice on here thank you all! Can always rely on Mumsnet.

So I have downloaded this amazing app - Our Home, if anyone's interested.

I've added all of the "tasks" I can think of and then you can assign. Reminders etc can be set then. DH and I went through it last night, agreed, and so now he can do what he likes with his assigned tasks - it's up to him to set the reminders etc. I would definitely recommend this app purely for the organisation side.

Oh for goodness sake calm down.

That is: I have no answer for that, so will resort to ad hominem attacks.

You make me laugh.

Let us know how you get on with the app, OP, his phone will be harder to argue with!

A thought; lots of fridges beep at you if the door is open too long. There might be a gadget you could pop in there that started beeping as soon as the door opens - could be an e-solution!

DH and I went through it last night, agreed...

That's great. Because I fully believe that that kind of change has to come from both parties.

We must all have been married to the same person

My stbeh drove me nuts. A psychologist would refer to a parent child relationship. We are the parents and treat dh as a child. Therefore they continue to behave and feel like a child and maintain a need for a parent to steer them.

However, I have 5 children and my 5 children know what should be done etc. My older 3 manage their finances, organise themselves, tidy their rooms, book holidays for themselves.
My ex constantly needed and still does need reminding, steering. It’s as though he has no memory of anything which has been explained to him. I tried not snapping, explaining instead, but he would always just then play ‘the victim’ and imply he was being nagged or bullied.
He’d give the little ones biscuits for breakfast and when I’d ask why, he’d say ‘because they asked for it’ ( kids are 2 & 4) Id then explain that he was the parent, they were children and that it was his responsibility to ensure they ate properly.
He’d remove their dirty clothes at the end of the day and roll them up in a ball and shove them back in the drawers. The clothes would be obviously dirty ie snot, dinner, dribble etc. This would happen about 3-4 times a week.
Not having him around is a huge relief. I actually have far less work to do now as I don’t have to undo everything he’s cocked up.
I was so tired of feeling like a nagging wife, a bully, overwhelmed with his anxieties, immaturity and lack of common sense.
I’m not suggesting you leave your dh, I’m just sharing your frustration. It made life so miserable. I’d be really happy and calm all day, then he’d come home and everything would change. Awful time.

My fridge beeps after a certain length of time! Only the other morning I could hear a beeping coming from downstairs (we were all upstairs getting ready for nursery/pre school/work). I asked older DS if he'd left the fridge open. No of course he hadn't. It was his bloody father! His bloody father also ALWAYS leaves the downstairs toilet light on, but again DS age 4 knows to turn it off.

We have a beep on the fridge door that reminds us when it hasn't closed. Usually it's ajar though, not wide open. DP used to always leave the iron on, which drove me nuts. I made him buy a better iron with an automatic turn off. Problem solved.

I put the bins out for us and our next door neighbours. If I'm away, none of them put the bloody bins out, even though I remind them all via our group whatsapp and tell them which ones to put out. Drives me mad, but all three of them are useless. I don't understand it! But I guess that's humans.

*That is: I have no answer for that, so will resort to ad hominem attacks.

You make me laugh*

That’s nice, dear. Glad I’ve provided some amusement, you certainly need it.