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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to wonder if this could be more? Think I’m in love with my best friend

731 replies

captainamericassexybeard · 18/02/2020 05:38

Have name changed for this because my other friend is on here and knows my username and I think I might combust with embarrassment if she came across this and clocked it was me (the wedding details might be outing).

I briefly “dated” a guy as a young teen and then we became really good friends and stayed that way, pretty much best friends ever since - purely platonic.
He’s a very attractive guy but I’ve genuinely never ever felt anything for him other than platonic love. Mutual friends have always said they don’t know why we aren’t together and some of my newer female friends have commented that they think there could be something there, but until recently I’ve always thought it was funny and brushed it off. I would have gone as far as to say we were like brother and sister!

Recently we went to a wedding together as I needed a plus one, and I don’t know what happened but it’s like I’ve suddenly seen him in a new light. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, we had a great night as always when we are out but it’s like something has clicked in my brain and now I can’t stop thinking about him.

We are going to another wedding together on Friday, I’m returning the plus one favour and I’m really ridiculously nervous! I feel like I’m going to act weirdly or something or get drunk and say something and we’ve been friends for nearly 17 years now so I don’t want to ruin it! I’ve been avoiding him all last week because I think I’ll just go red or make it really obvious that something has changed.

I’m mortified at being such a cliche and reading this post back it sounds like the set up
For a VERY bad romcom. I’m a bit beside myself. I don’t know what to do about it, if anything at all, and how on earth I tell if he could like me more than friends (inwardly cringing).
Jesus I’m too old for this shit.

OP posts:
mclover · 18/02/2020 09:02

Hurry up Friday!!!

Spied · 18/02/2020 09:09

'Barking up the wrong tree there mate' honestly to me makes me think he's gay.Confused maybe thats just me. Sorry

Spied · 18/02/2020 09:11

I've just read backBlush
Obviously not only me!

LoonyLunaLoo · 18/02/2020 09:12

I wonder if the thing that changes was him giving out romantic signals? Anyway dress fabulously, indulge in a bit of subtle flirting and see what happens...

Iggly · 18/02/2020 09:17

Enjoying this thread OP, hope it works out!!

Personally I think he’s testing the water with the old barking up the wrong tree comment etc. He would never say “oh yes of course” etc would he, in front of ransoms??

Iggly · 18/02/2020 09:17

*randoms

Imnotaslimjim · 18/02/2020 09:19

I'm another one saying go for it. I've always believed that you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do.

I told my best friend I loved her 3 years ago, we get married in November!

katew355 · 18/02/2020 09:27

I think his comments were because he's been in the friend zone for so long, he doesn't think a romantic relationship with you is an option.
On Friday, I would make some comment about how you can feel a certain way for a long time but then something changes and give him a 'longer' look. If he has hidden feelings for you, he hopefully would pick up on what you mean. If he doesn't, it will probably go right over his head and he'll think you're talking about pizza toppings or something!! Nothing to lose that way!!

beanaseireann · 18/02/2020 09:31

I hope it goes the way you want it captainamericassexybeard.
Looking forward to good news an update on Saturday or even Friday evening Wink

lonelyplanetmum · 18/02/2020 09:33

I suppose you could refer back to the' barking up the wrong tree conversation ' and ask what he meant?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/02/2020 09:38

I wouldn't jeapordise the friendship by jumping in too far, but I would ask him who the woman was he referred to last time... surely you would know if there was someone with that place in his heart? (Or could it have been someone while he was away the last time?)

beanaseireann · 18/02/2020 09:44

Later on Friday after a few drinks you could also refer back to the comment he made that he had perhaps met the right woman but she doesn't want to marry him.
Tell him you're curious.

Cheeseandwin5 · 18/02/2020 10:00

My opinion is that comments he has made would be the same assumption you have made, that the other person isn't interested and you don't want to spoil he friendship.
My experience for what its worth , is that I met someone at college, and thought he was out of my league, he would give me lifts and wait for me but he was so good looking and nice I just couldn't see him being interested in me, or if he was , I would sabotage it somehow further down. So I believed that I would keep the friendship and see how things progressed. We ended up both going to different Uni's and losing touch, and now he is filed under what could have been when I am feeling old and melancholy

PlanetMJ · 18/02/2020 10:07

I'm with gottastop and bean. He gave you the perfect "in" with that comment about having met the right woman but her not wanting to marry him. Even if you hadn't had the sudden change in feelings and were still in the friend zone, I would be asking who this was, just out if sheer nosiness. Wait for the right moment, look him right in the eyes, face on and ask who it is.
Then immediately come back to mumsnet and report back to us all!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/02/2020 10:15

Yes... Am 'with' my best male pal..

Pals for a good 2 years... What changed? We were both just about single... I was being too shy at saying anything until a good mutual pal said... 'seriously, how upset will you B if X finds a new girlfriend' and I discovered I minded quite a lot...

We're 20 years in nowGrin

dottiedodah · 18/02/2020 10:37

Well I think you should go for it !Lifes too short and you will never know if you dont ask! Be subtle though and dress nicely .As PP says could joke "why arent we married ,we get on so well!" See how you go with that I would probably not try to kiss him, unless you are sure you are in the right moment .Have a good time and hopefully right moment will appear!)PS let us know!) fingers/toes all crossed for Friday !

Yabadee · 18/02/2020 10:49

I know a guy who took a gamble telling his best friend he had fallen for her.

We now have a 4yo and get married next year :)

There’s a thread in classics where the OP slept with her best friend, you should go read that.

Good luck for Friday OP!

thecatsthecats · 18/02/2020 11:00

@lonelyplanetmum - one of my schoolfriends married a guy from our secondary school after reconnecting a few years after school.

I hadn't even thought about it in years, but the guy flirted with me in secondary, but I dismissed it as mean boy banter (because how could anyone fancy me etc, etc). It was actually very mild teasing and I gave as good as I got! At my wedding, even, another friend teased my new husband about my 'history' with that guy (Thanks mate - the full extent of it was him hitting on me a bit when I was oblivious! Way to freak out my new husband).

I have zero feelings for the guy (he gets on great with my husband!), but it really does make you wonder 'what if'. The guy is very one-man woman, only been in long relationships - if we'd dated through university the whole course of my life might have been different due to choices I made after meeting DH.

OP - one thing to burst your bubble slightly - I agree that your friend shouldn't have married someone he didn't want to, but I always raise an eyebrow at someone who 'passes time' in a long relationship but then won't get married.

soloula · 18/02/2020 11:05

Oh please tell him OP!

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 18/02/2020 11:11

I'd just like to say I'm majorly invested in this thread Grin
Go for it, OP. I'm another that thinks maybe these little cryptic comments he makes are to test the water because he thinks you're not interested. Test the water a bit back in his direction!

Snoopdogsbitch · 18/02/2020 11:18

I can't wait for Friday, don't know about everyone else!

WonkyGenes · 18/02/2020 11:18

I was best friends with a guy for years, everyone made comments about how we were the male and female version of each other. Everyone thought we were together and we weren't. I was gay and had only dated women before, always told everyone no its not like that then overnight something changed and I saw him differently. I took the plunge and told him.

He's now my husband. Go for it.

captainamericassexybeard · 18/02/2020 11:28

Aw so many lovely stories, thanks for sharing

But don't get your hopes up for an exciting thread, I doubt I'll have anything to report Friday as I'll most likely just bottle it and drink too much wine!

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 18/02/2020 11:29

@babba2014 has it nailed with this:

Why don't you just joke at the wedding , why don't we just get married then? And don't take everything he says literally or throw him off. He might have said barking up the wrong tree as you gave him vibes of rejection. If you want to not get hurt then say something like, you always say we should just be together as we're both single so let's just be together then. Say it in a light hearted way. He may then be shocked but pleased but come out with something in the negative. Put on a stern voice and say I'm serious. I'm not messing about. If he then makes it clear he is not interested then laugh it off and say of course it's a joke if he isn't the least bit interested in you! And then carry on as normal even if it hurts, at least you won't have shown him and he can ignore it and not know about the rejection. It's worse if the guy knows too. You can then evaluate your future with him as a friend or not

I think you need to try and find out how he feels sooner rather than later. Otherwise you'll keep on building up what could be in your head and increase the liklihood of your friendship struggling if he meets someone else or rejects you later. At least now because you haven't felt like this for long, you MIGHT be able to put it back in its box if he doesn't reciprocate...

captainamericassexybeard · 18/02/2020 11:30

@thecatsthecats yes it wasn't his finest moment. He had a bit of an early mid life crisis I think and said he realised she wasn't the one. Which was pretty shitty of him tbh and I told him as much, considering women have more of a 'window' for children etc and besides that it's just a shit thing to do. But in his defence it wasn't something he consciously did, it was when marriage was pushed that it made him realise :-/

OP posts:
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