AIBU to wonder if this could be more? Think I’m in love with my best friend

[captainamericassexybeard]

Have name changed for this because my other friend is on here and knows my username and I think I might combust with embarrassment if she came across this and clocked it was me (the wedding details might be outing).

I briefly “dated” a guy as a young teen and then we became really good friends and stayed that way, pretty much best friends ever since - purely platonic.
He’s a very attractive guy but I’ve genuinely never ever felt anything for him other than platonic love. Mutual friends have always said they don’t know why we aren’t together and some of my newer female friends have commented that they think there could be something there, but until recently I’ve always thought it was funny and brushed it off. I would have gone as far as to say we were like brother and sister!

Recently we went to a wedding together as I needed a plus one, and I don’t know what happened but it’s like I’ve suddenly seen him in a new light. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, we had a great night as always when we are out but it’s like something has clicked in my brain and now I can’t stop thinking about him.

We are going to another wedding together on Friday, I’m returning the plus one favour and I’m really ridiculously nervous! I feel like I’m going to act weirdly or something or get drunk and say something and we’ve been friends for nearly 17 years now so I don’t want to ruin it! I’ve been avoiding him all last week because I think I’ll just go red or make it really obvious that something has changed.

I’m mortified at being such a cliche and reading this post back it sounds like the set up
For a VERY bad romcom. I’m a bit beside myself. I don’t know what to do about it, if anything at all, and how on earth I tell if he could like me more than friends (inwardly cringing).
Jesus I’m too old for this shit.

The barking up the wrong tree and not fancying you makes me think he may not be into you, sorry. If things have changed that much that you feel awkward now though it may be worth taking the risk, as things have changed from your side. Also watching someone you love build a life with someone else is very painful.

I think you’re both right :-/ I mean if he did have feelings for me surely he would have acted on it or at least mentioned it by now?

You've known him for so long you would know if he was gay right? It's just the ' barking up the wrong tree' expression.

What's his relationship history apart from you?

But you haven’t either. And maybe he meant he was barking up the wrong tree cause (he thinks) you don’t fancy him?
Sorry, my life’s boring and I’m excited for you 😜. But I agree with pp, try not to fantasise too much this week or you’ll go to pieces at the wedding. Maybe rehearse a line you could use to steer the conversation. Is there anyone he’s got his eye on...?

To put an alternative viewpoint in, if he did have feelings for you but thought you were not interested, those comments could have been to put across that he wasn’t interested as he thought you weren’t.

Consider what you would say to someone if they commented like that to you but you were utterly convinced he wasn’t interested. I know would say things like that to hide the fact I was interested.
“Barking up the wrong tree there, she isn’t interested in me”

Of course I could be wrong....

I would say I’m 99% confident he’s not gay @lonelyplanetmum we are so close that if he was I would think he would have told me or talked about it
He’s had relationships all with women, the last one ended a few years back and they were together for nine years. They broke up after she pushed to get married.

I’m going to see how Friday goes but I doubt I will say anything or do anything because I’m too fearful of embarrassing myself and ruining what we already have, which is an amazing friendship.

I’ve just read back over my posts and really there’s nothing that points towards him secretly yearning for me 🙈

I suppose there are different ways to take that comment @quitmoaning I just wish I had a crystal ball and could see how things will turn out

I can’t find a single dress I like for Friday either and don’t have that much time to get something delivered. I want to wow but not look like I’ve tried particularly hard or made more effort than I normally would

He isn’t gay is he? Not being nasty just wondering.

@davincitoad fair question, I really don’t think he is

That not being married comment was sooooo aimed at you!

Well, it may pass or it might turn into something. I would try to put it out of your mind and act normally for now. Don’t do anything rash, when you’d feelings are so very new.

I think it's fine to make more effort on your outfit than normal (if it gives you confidence). No one would realise as people make effort for weddings anyway.

As he's straight and has been around for so long, and he fancied you as a young teenager I reckon he still does.

An old school friend of mine was in London and came for supper when I was hugely 37 weeks pregnant. In front of my DH the school friend still said " I think you know why I always used to hang around"!

There's an article below on the friend zone but personally I'd have some champagne, dance and hold his gaze a bit longer than normal and see what happens!

article on escaping the friend zone?!

Where's my popcorn!

Yes, look fab, have a good time & when the time's right, tell him you're having a great time & was thinking you'd like to ask him on a date-what does he think? He'll either run away or you'll end up kissing!

I got drunk & pretty much admitted to now dh that I couldn't stop thinking about him at a wedding-we were good friends from work & spent a lot of time together outside of work, but he was leaving town & I couldn't bear it. Turned out he was leaving because he was in love with me but I was with someone else & he didn't much like that! We got together soon after. That was about 12 years ago & all is rosey now.

Good luck OP - will be sending good vibes your way 😁

My experience is more like Bananas. Really close friends for 6 years with everyone always telling us we should be together. So we sort of gave in and gave it a shot in case they were all right and we're missing something.

Terrible idea. we dated for a year then had a very friendly break up because we just didn't fancy each other enough. We agreed before we dated that we'd remain friends no matter what.

Except now he won't talk to me as I'm in ex gf pile not the friend pile and he doesn't feel comfortable now he has a new gf. I never would have expected this if him as he was always the 'nice guy' but dating turned him from my nice guy friend into my twat ex

I think the comments were because you have made it so clear in the past that you don't fancy him that he doesn't want to make his feelings clear in case he ruins it.
I think you are going to have to be honest with him in some way so he knows.
I'm so hoping this works out, I love threads like this. It gives me hope that true love /soul mates actually exist. 💖
The last one I followed never came back with an update and I was gutted 🤣

I think you have to tell him. You’ll kick yourself forever if you don’t. But do it in a casual way. Ask him if he fancied you before you were friends. Or if he’s ever thought of you as more than a friend. Or say you two would make a great couple. Or ask him why you’ve never got together. Just open the conversation somehow and see what he says! You’ll see fairly quickly if he’s enthusiastic or creeped out by the idea.

I really don’t know. Things I would consider

• is he def straight
• are you his ‘type’- does he go for a particular type of woman in whatever sense (looks, personality).

-are you prepared for rejection

I would go in extremely subtle on Friday, you could try and test the water a bit if he’s not responsive then leave it alone. I’m sure at a wedding they’ll be dancing so maybe move in a bit closer (and then blame the drink if he doesn’t reciprocate).

Erm... I guess I am his type by overall looks? Blonde and fair and all his relationships and flings have been blonde and fair.

I don’t think I am prepared for rejection I think it would crush me and I’d be immediately so mortified I don’t think I’d be able to face him for ages

Thanks for all the advice by the way and for indulging me in my ridiculousness

I now have Maroon 5's It Was Always You in my head

Another one saying that you should go for it. Yes it might not work out, but it very well might - in my experience, this kind of set up often leads to very good relationships. If it doesn't work out and the friendship fades, that would be sad, but the reality is that it probably would have happened the next time either of you got into another relationship, because you've had the mental shift.

DH was my friend before he was DH. I purposely got drunk, draped myself over him all night, then kissed him when he walked me home. I was going to use "oh my god I was so drunk I thought you were Gérard Butler CRAZY Eh" excuse if he rejected me. Buuuut he didn't.

I'd also bet the farm that his feelings run deeper for you than mere friendship. Again, in my experience, the majority of male/female friendships involve the man carrying a torch to some extent,even when they don't realise it themselves

Aw I love a love story! I hope he feels the same. I agree with the pp get all dolled up, and I’d try some subtle physical contact, sit a little closer than usual, touch his arm/leg when talking, let your eyes linger a little longer, and see if he’s receptive!

I briefly dated my very good friend. Turned out the minute I went from friend to “date” he treated me totally differently and became a complete shit! It’s been impossible to bring our friendship back to what it was before as he was so hurtful, and it made me see a side of him I would never in a thousand years have guessed was there. Horrible.

BUT I think I was v unlucky, sounds like you are very close already and you may as well try a bit of extra eye contact and see...

In the cold light of day I’m feeling less brave. But I’m going to try and find a dress so I feel good for Friday. I can’t decide if I’m excited about it or nervous as hell or both.
Even though nothing will probably happen!

I think it sounds really promising personally, the barking up the wrong tree could be because he's convinced you don't fancy him. I hope Friday is a lovely romantic time and you get some clarity!

Why don't you just joke at the wedding , why don't we just get married then?
And don't take everything he says literally or throw him off. He might have said barking up the wrong tree as you gave him vibes of rejection.
If you want to not get hurt then say something like, you always say we should just be together as we're both single so let's just be together then. Say it in a light hearted way. He may then be shocked but pleased but come out with something in the negative.
Put on a stern voice and say I'm serious. I'm not messing about.
If he then makes it clear he is not interested then laugh it off and say of course it's a joke if he isn't the least bit interested in you!
And then carry on as normal even if it hurts, at least you won't have shown him and he can ignore it and not know about the rejection. It's worse if the guy knows too. You can then evaluate your future with him as a friend or not.