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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP abandoning ship

120 replies

Cupofteaa · 17/02/2020 17:32

Gave birth to my beautiful DD 7 weeks ago. She's suffered with reflux which has recently been helped with prescription gaviscon. However, it is now making her constipated meaning she is crying and not sleeping until she manages to go.

Over the weekend, she cried every evening for around 5 hours, almost continuously despite my best efforts to help her. DP was at work Fri, sat and sun evening meaning I was on my own with DD. I told him I was really struggling to soothe her and was getting very worked up myself having not eaten, slept or even showered and I'm having my first (mega) period since childbirth. I was really upset and overwhelmed last night with it all.

Tonight is his night off, he's gone out to the pub. AIBU to expect him to stay home and help me or at least let me get a bath? I appreciate he's working and coming home to an upset girlfriend but I could have really done with a few hours to myself or to at least soothe my stomach ache?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 17/02/2020 17:35

He shouldn't have to be asked.

But if necessary do spell it out for him. His newborn and partner are struggling and expecting his support is not unreasonable.

Ignore any martyr who posts that they did this with triplets, no help and a broken leg.

A decent man steps up and prioritises his family.

FizzyIce · 17/02/2020 17:37

YANBU, I’d definitely say something as that’s really selfish of him

justthecat · 17/02/2020 17:40

Text him and tell him you need him home at a time that suits you, as you need a bath interrupted !

BlueMoon1103 · 17/02/2020 17:40

Make sure you get a night off too! And speak to him when he gets home or tomorrow about how you felt when he just left at a time when you really needed help. You have a small baby, ‘nights off’ might need to be flexible!

LucyAutumn · 17/02/2020 17:40

Wow. He really should be at home pitching in when not at work and absolutely help you to have a bath, presumably you're with the baby when he has a soak or shower so why not the other round?
Yes he works, but not 24/7 and when you are both at home together or outside of his work hours you are both equally responsible.

MyOwnSummer · 17/02/2020 17:41

Selfish, rude and inconsiderate. Read him the riot act. Or alternatively, hand the baby and go out yourself for a bit - doesn't have to be long, just enough that he gets the point of how a minute with a screaming baby feels like a week.

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 17/02/2020 17:46

Congratulations on your DD! YANBU, he should step up and help put. What did he think having a baby would be like?

Also, if your period is massively heavy so close to your DD's birth, it might be worth getting checked out by the doctor. I seem to remember that heavy bleeding shortly after childbirth can be a sign of an infection (rather than the return of your periods). Not a medical professional so if someone who is tells you I'm wrong, listen to them and not me. But keep an eye on yourself

BorneoBabe · 17/02/2020 17:47

I'd go to the fucking pub, hand him the baby, and go home for a shower and rest.

Seriously, if this is how he treats you across the board, please start making plans to leave.

TheReef · 17/02/2020 17:49

Of course he should have realised and stayed, taken over and given you some time to yourself. Tbh I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this time round, (some people are shit with picking up on this sort of stuff) but I'd spell it out crystal clear that this is the only time you'll accept it. He needs to step up and become an equal parent without you having to remind him. YOU need looking after too from time to time .

mbosnz · 17/02/2020 17:51

You are not being unreasonable.

Obviously he needs a little bit more help to understand that his life has changed now too, not just yours, and his night off work is not his night off being a partner and a parent. (Given your situation I'd be thinking the correct learning tool was possibly a piece of two by four, given he's being as thick as two short bloody planks of it. . . )

Give him a call, remind him to pick up a bottle of wine, a very nice ready meal or takeout, and to be back home yesterday. . .

izzywizzygood · 17/02/2020 17:54

Wow, what attracted you to him in the first place? He goes to the pub when you have a new born? You had a baby with this man? Wow.... no red flags beforehand?

Morgan12 · 17/02/2020 17:57

I'd tell him to come home now.
Don't care if that comes across as controlling.
I'd be fucking furious.

Whatisthisfuckery · 17/02/2020 18:00

Benefit of the doubt my arse. Nobody is so shit at picking up on stuff that they fail to notice they have a baby to parent, or a partner to support. Why do women continue to make excuses for lazy selfish men, they do do women and children no favours whatsoever.

OP I’d ring him, tell him to get his fucking arse back immediately. If he comes back I’d read him the riot act and tell him he’s out if he doesn’t book his ideas up. If he refuses to come home, even for 10 minutes I’d tell him not to come back at all.

Looking after a baby alone is far easier if you don’t have the expectation of someone else’s help and the disappointment when they don’t bother. You also won’t have to look after him either which will take a load off.

atomicblonde30 · 17/02/2020 18:02

That’s incredibly inconsiderate, my daughter was the same with the silent reflux and the constant 5-7 hours crying sessions. It took me right to the edge of my sanity, it’s so so hard and honestly I would be fuming if I’d been left alone for yet another day/night to handle things myself.

Have you taken baby back to the docs for her constipation? Our GP gave us some stuff that helped though I think she had to be 8/12 weeks to have it.

Notimeforaname · 17/02/2020 18:29

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Please call or txt your partner and tell him to come home immediately.
If he gets away with this now, it will forever continue.

strawberry2017 · 17/02/2020 18:32

He shouldn't have gone out. Completely not appropriate especially when you have told him you were struggling and needed a break,
Text him and tell him he needs to come home.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 17/02/2020 18:34

Yet another selfish gobshite.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2020 18:37

He’s a twat. The first few months are all hands on deck and the assumption should be that he’s home, with going out something to be agreed in advance and cancelled in the event of unwell baby.

Milanda · 17/02/2020 18:40

All is missing is he’s a great dad and partner. He’s shite and honestly I will tell him exactly how shit he is.

GlitterMagicPompom · 17/02/2020 18:42

Oh blimey OP, I would be raging at this. So sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope things improve quickly for you and DD.
Please tell DP to step up. DD is his child too so not just your responsibility. Good luck Flowers

Eeyoresstickhouse · 17/02/2020 18:42

I feel all your pain with a severe reflux baby. Until we got prescribed ranitidine our lives were hell. Push for different meds (ranitidine is not available at the moment) if gaviscon doesn't work.

As for your twat of a partner. He needs telling. He needs strong words on how he needs to step up.

Thewarrenerswife · 17/02/2020 18:45

This is a really difficult time for you all, and having had a DC with reflux, I remember it well.

My DH and I bickered a lot. It’s helpful to try and see it from each other’s perspectives, and for that your need your DH to look after the baby for several hours, at least, on his own. When I did this my DH, it was a turning point. Instead of thinking I’d simply traded my job for a new one (looking after the baby), where as he was still doing his old job and being inconvenienced by the baby. He realised that the new baby job thing wasn’t like any other job. With my help (it was fraught at times) he started to see the effect on me, of the land mine that had gone off in our lives.

So get him to deal completely with the baby for half a day or so. Go to the gym, or shopping, for a coffee, or just rock in a corner somewhere. Then he’ll know why going to the pub after work is a complete ass hole thing to do.

Also, ask your doctor about baby Ranitidine. It’s quite expensive, so they don’t like prescribing it. But tell them about the conscription and ask for a referral to a paediatrician if they won’t oblige. It was like a life saver for us... a magic key to sleep 💤

Good luck. This is a short phase, I know the days few long, but it will pass, and things do get easier Flowers

Nanny0gg · 17/02/2020 18:46

Make sure you get a night off too!

She's got a 7 week-old.

How is she going to get a night off, exactly?

She needs time to relax, to have a bath, to have a sleep, to do what she needs, but I doubt it would be a night off along the same lines as her 'D' P.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 17/02/2020 18:48

Yanbu

And actually I dont think you should need to ask, it doesnt take a genius or an extraordinary level of empathy to realise that dealing with a screaming baby for hours on end is horrible, and if you've told him you're struggling, that some practical support is needed. I could never enjoy a night out knowing my partner and screaming baby were at home struggling

Pumpkinpie1 · 17/02/2020 18:49

Congratulations on your baby.
You are right to be livid!
He’s being unreasonable on so many levels !
I hope you can make him see pub v baby isn’t acceptable, he’s a dad now and needs to act like one x

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