DP abandoning ship

[Cupofteaa]

Gave birth to my beautiful DD 7 weeks ago. She's suffered with reflux which has recently been helped with prescription gaviscon. However, it is now making her constipated meaning she is crying and not sleeping until she manages to go.

Over the weekend, she cried every evening for around 5 hours, almost continuously despite my best efforts to help her. DP was at work Fri, sat and sun evening meaning I was on my own with DD. I told him I was really struggling to soothe her and was getting very worked up myself having not eaten, slept or even showered and I'm having my first (mega) period since childbirth. I was really upset and overwhelmed last night with it all.

Tonight is his night off, he's gone out to the pub. AIBU to expect him to stay home and help me or at least let me get a bath? I appreciate he's working and coming home to an upset girlfriend but I could have really done with a few hours to myself or to at least soothe my stomach ache?

You obviously love him but its no good making excuses for him. He is an adult. He must realise how much you're struggling. He is being very selfish and you need to explain you are about to crash and burn if he doesn't step up to help. After all you and the baby are his family and he needs to act responsibly
I hope things improve quickly for you
Big hug

No, what I'm going to demand is that the child's bloody father also steps up and does what needs to be done so she can have a shower.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't ignore the cry of pain. I couldn't. I knew their cries.

I could ignore the grizzle that they didn't want to go to sleep, that things weren't quite the way they liked, but the cry of pain I could not ignore.

I could fulfill all their requirements and leave them bitching to themselves in their cot, knowing they were okay, and have a shower, and the baby was actually okay, and would be asleep when I got out. OP doesn't know this. Doesn't feel this.

So, OP's partner - get back from the pub. Your football team really doesn't need you. Your partner and your child do.

Got that?

He is being massively unreasonable. He has a nee baby and a partner - his priority at present is supporting you both.

Do you have anyone else who can offer you some support? Mum/Dad, sister, friend, good neighbours? If so, call them in. My son didn't have reflux but I had been through a horrific birth and c-section and was a complete car crash after. The smallest things helped like my dad coming round and making me a brew and holding DS while I drank it (DH was at work).

Does your partner have a mum? If so, can you talk to her so that she can speak to her son (and hopefully give him a reality check)?

Wow, what attracted you to him in the first place? He goes to the pub when you have a new born? You had a baby with this man? Wow.... no red flags beforehand?

It’s no wonder really is it that so many women end up with pnd is it?

Op will sadly hear these cries in her arms or not- at least getting a shower will relieve it for a moment for op and give her a few moments to look after herself and state of mind.

As I said, there is so much pressure to sooth your crying child.
Sometimes you can’t and that’s ok.

It’s just as important if not more so, to tend to your own basic human needs.

As I said- op please don’t ever feel guilty for having a few moments to yourself in between.
You are doing your best!

'Also, if your period is massively heavy so close to your DD's birth, it might be worth getting checked out by the doctor. I seem to remember that heavy bleeding shortly after childbirth can be a sign of an infection (rather than the return of your periods). '

This

At 7 weeks PP you should get the bleeding and pain checked out. Could be a sign of an infection or retained products. I had the same, ended up very unwell.

Do you have a temperature or aching muscles or extreme tiredness? TMI question but does the bleeding smell a bit?

Please call your midwife.

I agree not to feel the pressure - from external sources. I also remember the pressure - from my lizard brain. That was the pressure that I found hard to ignore.

Congratulations on your baby Poor you, OP, I had a reflux baby and it was a bloody nightmare.

Deffo call 111 or try to see the GP about your period, though, that sounds bad.

As for your 'D'P. I'd call him and tell him to come home now. If you usually rage and he ignores, maybe quietly seething will work. However if you usually quietly seethe maybe an absolutely loud rollicking might help?

Yanbu.
My XP pulled stunts like this. He was going out from 2 weeks.
Notice the "ex" part.

Are you not going to tell him to come home?

What a twat. Nothing else.

He's a selfish arse. He sees his need for down time as more important than his need to support his partner and child. There's no excuse for that. It's just selfish, inconsiderate behaviour.

Leave him. That is all.
Sorry to be blunt, but there's no coming back from this.
Seek the support you need and do what you need to do.
Apologies that you're going through this, you will get through it.

He was told you weren't coping well and he went to the pub

Agree, he needs to step up and do his bit. If he knows you are struggling and buggered off to the pub then he needs to grow up and start behaving like a parent.

You also need to make this clear now. You are not "asking for help" you are telling him he needs to do his share of the tough bits not just the smiles.

The first months with your first baby can be really tough. Its not on for him to opt out of his share and dump it all on you because he needs "a night off". Its a short time, albeit it feels like eternity. For that short time he needs to defer nights off in the pub and prioritise his child.

Fuck.me. He has gone to the pub!! My Ds had reflux and I was struggling terribly as in going into another room crying into a pillow and then returning when calm. I cannot imagine my partner leaving me to go to the pub. Disgraceful. Do you have any other supprt nearby ? Look after yourself please it really does change I have such a hppy toddler

what is it with some men-theyre so bloody happy they can reproduce but sod doing any of the actual parenting

Leave him. That is all.
Sorry to be blunt, but there's no coming back from this.

FGS. How dramatic 🙄

I would go absolutely postal, make no mistake. But I'm pretty sure couples have come back from worse.

He should be at home. When are you having a night out?

Jelly have you had a baby with reflux? It is horrific, they scream in pain. Pain. Not a hungry cry or fussing, scream in pain. It guts you to the core.

You can't lie them down you have to keep them propped up either in a sling, in a propped cot but at an angle or upright.

I was told by the consultant paediatrician that crying exacerbates the reflux which in turn can lead to them scarring their esophageous. Ds2 was given a dummy to help him keep the acid down.

Ds2 slept upright on me until he was over the age of 1. He still refluxed at 8 years old when he lay down to go to sleep.

The OP has a fully functioning partner who should be prioritising his baby and partner above going to the fucking pub. She needs a break, not a rushed shower whilst listening to her baby scream.

Dh would take the children in the morning so I could get up, showered and dressed. Then he would leave for work. So at least I felt clean.

When my daughter was a newborn, I remember reading one of those articles on social media, stemmed I think from an old wives tale (I rolled my eyes too, but bare with me 😂) that fresh air or a warm bath work wonders! I was exhausted and willing to try anything, so snuggled up in a blanket and paced up and down my driveway, and it worked! It actually worked! And has done ever since. I've been known to take a wander round the block at all sorts of times of the day or night and without fail settles her right down.

I know it doesn't help with you -rubbish- DP but thought I'd offer a solution to settle baby the newborn days are so hard, and so overwhelming, and you feel like you'll never not be tired again, but they do pass I promise ❤️

Making an enemy of him is not going to help. He has been working - he also needs time to recover. You need time to be on your own too. Between you you can work it out but telling him he is a selfish arse when he is working to pay the bills and having to put in a full day and be sharp when he has had little or no sleep is not going to help

Lol

He sounds like my ex, who thought it was appropriate to go on a "business trip" (aka shagging about) for 5 days, literally hours after I came home from the hospital with DD.

You are not at all unreasonable.

He is very unreasonable going to the pub.

Text him and tell him he is needed at home.

As a rule of thumb, until you have each had the opportunity to go to the loo, shower and eat, neither should down tools, go on a jolly or take time out. These are basic requirements.

I expect your DP has simply not realised how relentless and draining newborn babies are especially when you are recovering from childbirth and not sleeping.

Thank you guys! Maybe I am being a bit soft, he's on his way home now so I'll try put my foot down!

A bit soft op he was working 3 evenings then decided rather than support you he would watch football

There should be no trying in that last sentence