Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP abandoning ship

120 replies

Cupofteaa · 17/02/2020 17:32

Gave birth to my beautiful DD 7 weeks ago. She's suffered with reflux which has recently been helped with prescription gaviscon. However, it is now making her constipated meaning she is crying and not sleeping until she manages to go.

Over the weekend, she cried every evening for around 5 hours, almost continuously despite my best efforts to help her. DP was at work Fri, sat and sun evening meaning I was on my own with DD. I told him I was really struggling to soothe her and was getting very worked up myself having not eaten, slept or even showered and I'm having my first (mega) period since childbirth. I was really upset and overwhelmed last night with it all.

Tonight is his night off, he's gone out to the pub. AIBU to expect him to stay home and help me or at least let me get a bath? I appreciate he's working and coming home to an upset girlfriend but I could have really done with a few hours to myself or to at least soothe my stomach ache?

OP posts:
Warsawa31 · 17/02/2020 18:52

Gone out to the pub and you e got a 7 week old???

Sounds like he another Peter Pan who doesn’t want to grow up.

I finished work and went straight home to help DW. Neither of us went out really for first 3 or 4 months.

Tell him to get home and take his baby so you can rest.

Any protest on his part (there should not be any) is a very bad sign.

Fuck the pub. Fuck his mates, and fuck his plans. He has a baby to care for

InTheSummerhouse · 17/02/2020 18:55

Making an enemy of him is not going to help. He has been working - he also needs time to recover. You need time to be on your own too. Between you you can work it out but telling him he is a selfish arse when he is working to pay the bills and having to put in a full day and be sharp when he has had little or no sleep is not going to help

ineedaholidaynow · 17/02/2020 18:57

DP should definitely have not gone out.

DH would literally take one look at my face when he came in from work and take DS from my arms to give me a break when DS was about that age.

Does he work evenings/nights? If so, what does he do during the day to let you have a break/sleep.

Sexnotgender · 17/02/2020 18:57

What a knobber. I’m sorry he’s such a useless twat. YANBU.

Marlouse · 17/02/2020 18:59

WTAF, going to the pub and leaving you with a screaming baby? So that you doesn’t even have time to take a bath? And you’re even on your period? YANBU
That sounds really inconsiderate. Text him to come home, he needs to step up.

Welshmaenad · 17/02/2020 19:06

@InTheSummerhouse are you on crack or did you wander in from the 1950s? He needs time to recover??

OP get on the phone, tell him to get his selfish pseudoteenage ass home and take some responsibility for his baby. You poor thing.

AuditAngel · 17/02/2020 19:07

You have my sympathies. Even 15.5 years later i can remember the feeling of utter hopelessness trying to soothe a reflux baby.

DH used to tell tall tales about how much he did for DS (all in his mind). I would get so tired I couldn’t speak, but at least he was at work, not in the pub.

I would be tempted to go to the pub, deposit the baby on him and take yourself for a bath!

Dozer · 17/02/2020 19:09

Yeah, he needs to step up, sharpish.

MashedSpud · 17/02/2020 19:12

My exH was completely useless with both our dc. I was a single mother in a marriage.

Make him step up. Also if you have family who can come over while he’s at work it’ll allow you time to eat and bathe. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

PinkPoutingLilies · 17/02/2020 19:13

He’s a pig I’m afraid..

And I’m very sorry for you.

Goodness I would come over and hold/ gently rock baby so that you hp could get a shower and rest.

Poor you.

It’s at these moments, when my husband could actually settle a crying baby, and it was a godsend.

( I bled for weeks and weeks, seriously. Get some iron tablets, on and Badedas in the bath if you get a chance)

Sofacat · 17/02/2020 19:14

He has been working - he also needs time to recover

Give me strength !

PinkPoutingLilies · 17/02/2020 19:16

A friend, neighbour, family, anyone would help, rather than have you suffer.

( don’t have more children with this one)

Whentheleavesfalldown · 17/02/2020 19:16

He's an arse.
I haven't read the whole thread but regarding the reflux, ask for ranitadine. It was literally a life saver for us with DS from the first dose. Flowers

Speminalium · 17/02/2020 19:16

Another saying this is absolutely not on. I agree with previous poster that a call to NHS111 or someone might be reasurring re the mega period, if very heavy and painful I'd seek reassurance it's nothing birth related and of concern. I hope you get that bath. I agree re ranitidine, it worked wonders with my puker.

mbosnz · 17/02/2020 19:17

He can recover by sitting with a drink in his bloody house, rocking the baby while his wife goes and has a bath and a sodding good cry.

PinkPoutingLilies · 17/02/2020 19:19

Goodness I wish I’d heard of that last medicine.
We could Kent put the baby down, until at least an hour and a half after feeds.
We had the cot/ Moses basket at an angle.
We even considered having him sleep in our old spare car seat ( a huge first silver cross one) to keep him more upright at night.
(It was a first baby one, but we didn’t )
It was very hard for the two of us, and this wasn’t a first baby.

Ohtherewearethen · 17/02/2020 19:20

Oh man he's behaved appallingly. I can remember telling my husband that you are a parent 24/7, there is no time off from it, you can't opt out. He goes out to work 9-5 through the week so I do all the night wakings, etc, but evenings and weekends he is a parent so that's what he has to do. I also asked my husband when was the last time he had to ask/check with me if it was ok for him to have a shower. Ridiculous isn't it, but so many mums are made to feel like they have to just check the other parent is ok with them having 20 minutes off-duty. And it's not even for something remarkable, it's literally basic self-care and hygiene!
I'd be so cross and would give him both barrels when he gets home. He has to fit his life around the baby's needs, not the baby fit around his life like it was before. Some men honestly think a baby doesn't change their lives very much, it's only because their wives pick up the slack and make things as easy as possible for them!
As an aside, baby gavsivon caused us more problems than it solved. Ranitidine did the trick but is no longer available so my baby is now on omeorazole which works but is just for short term. Have you ruled out a dairy intolerance?

billy1966 · 17/02/2020 19:21

OP, god help you with su h a selfish twat as your baby's father.
Is there anyone who you can call on.
Just awful.

Toria70 · 17/02/2020 19:24

You're upset and overwhelmed, and he goes to the pub?

Don't do it tonight when you're tired and overwhelmed, but I'd be making it pretty clear that you didn't have a child intending to do this alone.

Junobug · 17/02/2020 19:25

I think you've had enough comments about your OH but I really would push you to go to the doctor about reflux and constipation. My DC1 was a screamer. It was horrendous. Gaviscon didn't help but it did turn out he had a cows milk protein allergy (he had other symptoms as well). You know if something isn't right with your baby but it's very easy for doctors to brush you off as a neurotic first time mum. Be strong and go and get help.

JaniceBattersby · 17/02/2020 19:27

God I remember those dark, colicky evenings. They’re so, so hard. He really shouldn’t have gone. But if he’s an otherwise good father then he’s made a bit of a mistake. Those early days are hard to judge for men. They don’t feel that same visceral, physical urge to do anything to stop the baby crying because they haven’t carried that baby for nine months.

So you have a sling? All mine were calmed in the evening by going out for a brisk walk in the cold air in the sling. The froggied legsand upright position really helped with constipation and reflux.

It will be over before you know it and your baby will be crawling around.

Original poster
Cupofteaa · 17/02/2020 19:27

Thank you all! I'll ring the doctors tomorrow and request just that.

As for DP, I'll speak to him when he's home. Just worried DD will pick up on it if (more than likely) we row!! I just feel very alone with it all atm! Thank you for making me feel sane guys!!

OP posts:
healthylifestylee · 17/02/2020 19:30

Make sure you speak to him but don't rage. He's not doing what you are to know how exhausted you are. Let him know so he has a chance to understand how you feel and what you need

EverythingChanges321 · 17/02/2020 19:32

Op, that sounds really hard and I can appreciate just how knackered you must be feeling.

However, a 7 week old is still a new addition to the family. If your DP is at work most of the week, he might not appreciate how hard it is for you as he only sees DD for a few hours in the evenings. A few hours of crying is nothing compared to being there 24/7 without a break.

You need to make him understand that going to the pub on certain evenings isn’t an automatic right now that you have a child together. You need to talk to him and explain very clearly what your needs are. Ask for help with whatever you need help with.

Don’t assume that he’s a crap dad just because he’s not a mind reader. It takes time to learn to be a good parent. Did he come with you to any-natal classes? I don’t think being angry and issuing ultimatums is the way forward though.

My DH was pretty shit in the beginning too as I was breastfeeding and so he assumed he didn’t really need to get involved. Lots of honest talking has finally changed all that and he’s a brilliant hands on dad these days. He does a lot more than 50/50 to be honest, it’s more like 70/30 and I can now get on with my hobbies.

Berrymuch · 17/02/2020 19:33

Congratulations on your DD OP, and glad the medication is working, but as has been said pop back to the doctor's if the constipation is an issue, there might be other things they can suggest or prescribe. Of course he is in the wrong to go out, although you shouldn't have to as you would hope it would be obvious, you need to spell things out sometimes. Tell him when he is back that you need support, and that he was selfish to go out. I am sure he wanted a 'night off', but so do you I expect. I think you being able to have a bath, and maybe as a couple getting a takeaway would have obviously not made the night perfect, but maybe a little less savage. Hope you're okay Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread