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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Breastfeeding toddler in a shop, AIBU?

999 replies

Refreshed · 17/02/2020 11:46

To cut a long story short, out this morning and fed DS (2.5) sitting on a cushion seat in a shoe shop. A few other customers around but nobody even looking like they'd like to try on shoes. All other seats next to me completely free.

An assistant came up to me and said please can I do that somewhere else? The seats are for trying on seats only.

DS was done by this point anyway so I got up and left.

AIBU to have fed him there, and see it as an acceptable place to feed? No other people were sitting there and I wasn't preventing anyone from sitting next to us in the mny other seats avaible Confused

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:05

Yes, a 2.5 could wait. But they don’t have to wait. It is the OP’s choice how she parents. If she didn’t want to make him wait, she didn’t have to.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:06

crazydiamond it’s pointless sharing actual facts with people who are this bothered by extended breastfeeding because their opinions aren’t rational. They’re based on cultural biases Smile

HoppingPavlova · 18/02/2020 10:10

Lots of people on her are making out that the issue is where she sat but it's clear that, if she had been just holding her toddler, they would have had no issue whatsoever. Their real issue is that she was BFing, which they think should be done somewhere more 'private', more 'comfortable' or 'more appropriate for eating'. Some think that she should have given him a different sort of food or drink without being able to explain why BM isn't acceptable.

Are you on glue? It’s got nothing to do with breastfeeding. I’m all for breastfeeding, have done it myself. I fully endorse breast is best and WHO recommendations. None of that is in question. It’s about the acceptability of turning a business into an impromptu cafe for a toddler whether that be breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cup feeding or a handful of crackers. It’s about kids learning there are times and places for things. Like teaching a kid they don’t drop their pants and drop a shit in the middle of the aisle, it’s not an appropriate place. Sure, there will be hiccups with poi’s pants and not making the loo on time when being toilet trained but it’s something you actively teach kids that age. Just like when mum’s in the middle of looking at shoes they need to wait 10mins for the drink or food they want whether it be breast, bottle, cup or full on party platter.

Yesterdayforgotten · 18/02/2020 10:10

@crazydiamond222 what a way to upt the guilt on non breastfeeding mothers. My first baby was exclusively breastfed but due to factors outside my control my second one isn't. Does that mean my first child will do better in life? I'm sure there are so many variables to that study and probably many counter arguments.

StillbreathingStillhere · 18/02/2020 10:10

crazydiamond it’s pointless sharing actual facts with people who are this bothered by extended breastfeeding because their opinions aren’t rational. They’re based on cultural biases

Sanctimonious much Hmm

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:12

what a way to upt the guilt on non breastfeeding mothers

Look around you and see how much breastfeeding women are attacked. It’s not our fucking fault that some women can’t BF. It’s not nice but it’s a fact. So why should women be quiet about it, do it out of view or pander to everyone else? We all get judged. Tough shit, quite frankly.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:13

Sanctimonious much

Oh good, I was worried that wouldn’t come across.

Shrubsie · 18/02/2020 10:15

I didn't breastfeed, I feel guilty about it but don't take it personally when people celebrate or support BFing, I think we should be supporting all women however they feed, and in this case think it's ridiculous a lot of the comments commenting on the age etc. I would fight for a woman's right to BF in public and it seems that is what is sadly required going by some attitudes on here.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:16

None of that is in question. It’s about the acceptability of turning a business into an impromptu cafe for a toddler whether that be breastfeeding, bottle feeding, cup feeding or a handful of crackers

Compare the breastfeeding to hugging an upset child. This is a better comparison. Do you still feel the same way?

StillbreathingStillhere · 18/02/2020 10:17

@ethelfleda

Try harder love Hmm

MarchDaffs · 18/02/2020 10:19

As you were a customer and they didn't have a blanket rule about not eating or drinking in there, you were fine. Age of child should be irrelevant. You should really have mentioned that you were a customer in the first post though, because that does make a difference: there's nothing in equalities law obliging a private business to allow a non-customer access to the premises to breastfeed.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:19

And just to add - sharing FACTS with people isn’t a fucking guilt trip. Someone feeling guilty about something they did, or did not do, doesn’t change actual facts.

Yesterdayforgotten · 18/02/2020 10:19

@ethelfleda. If you get judged and are bottle feeding its 'tough shit quite frankly' but if it happens for breastfeeding its allowed a massive debate. Double standards much.
I actually found I got judged more for bottle feeding as 'breast is best ' was constantly rammed down my throat. Some people will give dirty looks when they see formula like it is some part of poison. I do not agree as you cannot please everybody and judgement is on all mothers breastfeeding or not. Women need to stick together instead of hauling each other over the coals like they are on this thread...

crazydiamond222 · 18/02/2020 10:20

I never feel that is wrong to share research evidence. In fact in the UK I feel there is way too much emphasis on dismissing research and basing debate on opinions rather than evidence.

In no way am I saying that women should be criticised or made to feel guilty for formula feeding and indeed at the individual level formula instead of bm is unlikely to made a big difference. It is at the national level you will start to notice a difference in health outcomes and cost savings for things such as obesity and breat cancer.

Yesterdayforgotten · 18/02/2020 10:21

'I think we should be supporting all women however they feed.'

This ^

Poppinjay · 18/02/2020 10:23

It’s about the acceptability of turning a business into an impromptu cafe for a toddler

As BFing has no more impact on those around her than cuddling the child, it's hard to see where the cafe idea comes from.

Nobody on here would have an issue with a mother sitting on an unused seat in a shop to give their toddler a cuddle. The issue only starts when she has allowed the child to latch on. Therefore it is absolutely about attitudes to BFing.

Yesterdayforgotten · 18/02/2020 10:24

@crazydiamond222 I think it is fine to share research and I'm sorry if I came across otherwise. I am always dubious about these studies though as feel there are so many variable ans counter arguments to them.
At the end of the day we all just have to do the best for our families. With my first child I felt constant guilt and exclusively breastfed ironically.This time I have had to bottle feed and I'm actually really enjoying it and havent felt any guilt at all because I'm happier meaning my babies are also happier. You have to do what is best for you and your family.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:26

In no way am I saying that women should be criticised or made to feel guilty for formula feeding and indeed at the individual level formula instead of bm is unlikely to made a big difference. It is at the national level you will start to notice a difference in health outcomes and cost savings for things such as obesity and breat cancer

I completely agree with this.
I don’t think any mother should ever feel guilty about how they choose to feed. But, they do. It’s shit, but they do.
It does not mean that the tiny minority of us that breastfeed up to the recommended age should have to shut up about it or defend our actions to anyone.

HoppingPavlova · 18/02/2020 10:26

It's quite possible for some babies to go from not hungey to hungry in a matter of seconds. Demand feeding is recommended these days so that you could feed your baby at home, go out and they'll need another feed 20 mins later.

That is completely true for a baby. It’s not true for a 2yo, a 3yo, a 4yo etc.

Here’s something mind blowing. Some kids that age have to fast for several hours before surgery. Not a case of telling them they have to wait 10 minutes until you have finished what you are doing, like shoe shopping for example. But several hours and then beyond if the schedule spins out or a theatre is commandeered for an emergency. Sure they are not happy. Sure they complain. A lot. Sure distraction only lasts so long. Sure it’s hell for the parent(s). But the fact is that they don’t spontaneously combust. Nothing bad happens to them. It is also an eye opener for parents who claim ‘it’s just not possible’ and demand their child is put first on a list. Because theirs are somehow different to all the othersConfused. They all survive just fine. Not providing them with instantaneous wants in regards to food or drink (breast, non breast - makes no difference) does not result in a lifetime of trauma or attachment issues. And before anyone comes in with a Captain Obvious, yes, the lists try and accomodate those younger and with less developed comprehension/reasoning skills earlier rather than later but sometimes it’s just not possible for various reasons.

crazydiamond222 · 18/02/2020 10:28

Thanks yesterdayforgotton I completely agree and I think your statement 'we should be supporting all women no matter how they feed' is so important.

DippyAvocado · 18/02/2020 10:29

I stand by my first post : it’s for mum’s convenience and well being past 2, not baby’s

So what if it is? She is entitled to breastfeed her child in a shop whatever the reason.

Poppinjay · 18/02/2020 10:29

The benefits of BFing or otherwise aren't really relevant to this thread TBH.

This is about whether anyone has the right to say someone should not BF a child where they deem it to be appropriate.

They shouldn't have to demonstrate that the child needs it or that they aren't preventing them from learning to manage their emotions.

They shouldn't be expected to consider whether the child could wait if told to or whether a different form of drink or snack is available.

The OP could have had a bag full of alternative nourishment and be right next door to her own BFing support group and it would still have been appropriate to BF in an empty seat in the shoe shop. If you can't support that, you aren't pro-BFing.

B0bbin · 18/02/2020 10:30

*As BFing has no more impact on those around her than cuddling the child, it's hard to see where the cafe idea comes from.

Nobody on here would have an issue with a mother sitting on an unused seat in a shop to give their toddler a cuddle. The issue only starts when she has allowed the child to latch on. Therefore it is absolutely about attitudes to BFing.*
^
Yep. This is how I feel about it.

ethelfleda · 18/02/2020 10:30

I am always dubious about these studies though as feel there are so many variable ans counter arguments to them

Believe it or not, I actually also agree with this. My opinion is that you cannot 100% know if breastfeeding or not will affect any particular child without being able to go back in time, do everything exactly the same apart from the method of feeding, and note the outcome. Obviously this is impossible. So all we can do as women is note the studies that have been done, and look at our families and other aspects that affect motherhood and decide what is best for us. And then not judge anyone who came to a different decision.

Dividingthementalload · 18/02/2020 10:31

Happy for you to share research. Still none which convinces me that open breastfeeding in a shop is best for baby. If you are feeding a 2.5 year old, just as if you were feeding a 5 year old or ten year old, it isn’t necessary, it isn’t for nutrition and demand feeding in unacceptable places obviates the important societal lesson of delayed gratification.

Give me a survey that says demand breastfeeding a 2.5 year old is nutritionally better, socially advantageous or statistically better emotionally than normal eating for a large toddler. The stats simply don’t exist.

It’s thrusting extended breastfeeding in everyones face - in Clark’s, in a cafe, in the park - that gives ‘normal’ breastfeeding (normal defined by what most people who are able to feed actually do) a bad name.