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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

36 year old man never had long term relationship

130 replies

Mayplesyrup · 16/02/2020 19:08

I’m a single mum of 2, recently got chatting to someone online who I really click with, seen his FB etc, BUT, he’s 36 and never had a long term relationship, longest is 12 months. AIBU thinking this is a bit weird or there’s something wrong with him???
He’s said it’s because he’s never really met anyone who it’s gone long term with/been a proper connection.

OP posts:
Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 14:17

@Maduixa @JustForTheTasteOfIt Ok I completely see where you are coming from. Yes I understand it does sound hypocritical. I wasn’t intending to send cruel towards his past, I just found it very unusual and thought I would see a broad range of opinions.
I still don’t like the term “second hand market” as it sounds quite derogatory towards my children and single parents, but I do see your points and take them onboard.

He has said he believes reason for not having a LTR is as he’s got older and wanted one, many are put off by fact he HASN'T had one before (yes I hold my hands up) but also that he thinks he’s been seen as “too nice” or come onto strong in the past.
“Too nice” would of been an issue for me in my much younger years, but not as I’ve got older and realised niceness is vastly underrated! The coming on too strong is slightly a concern as I’m not too sure what he might mean by that?

OP posts:
User12879923378 · 17/02/2020 14:20

That was me at 32 when I met my husband. Just the way things happened. Is it that odd not to have been in a relationship lasting longer than 12 months before you find the one that works for you?

PinkMonkeyBird · 17/02/2020 14:20

Well I'm with someone in his early 50s who has never lived with a partner or had a very LTR. He said he just never clicked with or met the right person. He had a few short relationships but said he just knew they didn't feel right to invest a long term future in. I know he's not spinning a line because I've spoken directly to some of his close friends who are over the moon with our relationship and think it is wonderful he has finally met someone who is well suited to him. A few years ago he said he had made peace with the fact he would stay single and didn't expect to meet anyone, neither was he actively looking. When we met I wasn't looking for a relationship either - I'd been a year out of a LTR having been cheated on.

I will admit I am still sometimes looking out for red flags as to why someone like him stayed relatively single for most of his adult life...he really is quite a wonderful, caring and genuine guy. But I'm taking him at face value and trust his friends with what they say too. They've all known him for 20+ years. We are very much in love and want a long term future together.

Likewise I have a friend in her 50s who has never had a LTR or lived with anyone. She is absolutely lovely and would be a wonderful girlfriend for someone...she just hasn't met the right bloke!

Either way, there really is no formula/dos and don'ts. Life doesn't go the way people expect it should so I'd totally give the guy a chance.

PinkMonkeyBird · 17/02/2020 14:23

Also to add, both of my brothers were in their mid-30s by the time they met their wives. Prior to that, they weren't very experienced/hadn't had LTR at all. Both are still very happily married 10-15 years on.

Rezie · 17/02/2020 14:27

he thinks he’s been seen as “too nice”
I find this a bit meh. I'm my experience a guy that uses the "too nice" reasoning tend not to be that nice. If you like this guy, just take is slowly. There is no rush. If you are good together then great and if not, that's great too.

Vanhi · 17/02/2020 14:45

Probably because every time he meets someone he likes they reject him because he has never had a long term relationship

Definitely. At what age do you just auto-reject someone for not having had a serious relationship in the past? Or do you just realise that some people don't like mediocre relationships and don't stay in them for the sake of it.

Just can’t help but think well if no one has wanted a long term relationship with him something must be off?

It may be that they have wanted a long-term relationship but he hasn't reciprocated. I met my OH when I was in my mid 40s. I'd had relationships of 12-18 months before but few and far between. I'm really glad my OH didn't hold this against me. He could see I was capable of commitment because of other actions of mine. We get on so well and are so happy together I'm glad I waited 30 years to find someone just right for me. He has a DD and yes it took me time to adjust to that, but the three of us have a great time together.

Being long-term single is not a 'red flag'. Have a read of the relationships board and look at the number of people who are abusive, narcissistic, misogynist and dangerous who sustain relationships for years. But you're not worrying about that, are you?

The only thing that would worry me is that you've now said he thinks he sometimes came on too strong in the past. I find that odd, but then maybe if you've been digging around asking why he's been single for a lot of his life he started scraping around for something to tell you.

SVRT19674 · 17/02/2020 14:51

I had long relationship from 21 to 25 then nothing interesting until I was 34 and met who was to become my husband and father of my child. He had only had one long term relationship in his late 20s. Neither of us would settle for mediocre and are quite content with our own company. i am glad I waited and am with a thoroughly nice guy.

TheFuckingDogs · 17/02/2020 14:53

Apparently my dad had never been in a long term relationship until he met my mum mid 30’s and had me! She said he was just a bit geeky! They’ve been together almost 40 years and he’s a great dad to me and a great step dad to my older siblings 😊

Hoik · 17/02/2020 15:09

I'm my experience a guy that uses the "too nice" reasoning tend not to be that nice.

Same in my experience. And "coming on too strong" can often mean wanting to rush the relationship and/or being overbearing.

I'd also take it slow and proceed with caution.

jerrysbellyhangslikejelly · 17/02/2020 15:14

This was me. I’m in a relationship of 3 years now and before that my longest relationship was 1 year and that was ten years previous. I’m pretty normal, have a good job, A degree, lots of friends, just never met the right person until 3 years ago, my weight and lack of confidence held me back. I wouldn’t write him off on account of that.

Lweji · 17/02/2020 15:19

I agree that "too nice", when said by the person, is rarely true.

You should evaluate if he is indeed nice or not.

But my feeling is that it's usually said by men who are anything but nice. Or their niceness comes with expectations.

Rezie · 17/02/2020 15:53

But my feeling is that it's usually said by men who are anything but nice. Or their niceness comes with expectations.

I read somewhere about this. So basically a genuinely nice guy doesn't have to point it out cause it's just who they are and they dotb even actively know it.

A guy that says they are "too nice" tend to be nice to people they want to have sex with to get something in return . They usually use phraises "nice guys always finish last" and "girls only want bad boys".

Then there are the guys that are described as "too nice" by other people and those are the guys that lack confidence and are too much of a 'yes man' that they don't have a personality.

Obviously it is not that black and white but it is an interesting perspective.

Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 16:13

I think he was saying people who he’s dated have ended it citing that he’s “too nice” He has said he doesn’t have one night stands or random hookups and hasn’t had any intimacy for a very long time, so if he’s being truthful then I don’t think he’s just after sex

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/02/2020 16:19

I think he was saying people who he’s dated have ended it citing that he’s “too nice”

Did he actually say that, or is it your interpretation?

I'm all for you to go out with him and see how it goes.
Just be mindful of what certain statements mean. Make sure you pay attention to the actual words, rather than try to interpret them. We can often be guilty of filling up the gaps to suit our beliefs.

lastburritos · 17/02/2020 16:19

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I know someone very similar...2 year relationship in early twenties. Spent the next decade spending all his spare time co-parenting his DS alongside his ex. There could be any reasons why this man never settled but you'll never know if you dont give him a chance. Surely this scenario is better than a man that's got more baggage than Gatwick!!!

UglyMisters · 17/02/2020 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliasGrape · 17/02/2020 16:24

he thinks he’s been seen as “too nice”
I find this a bit meh. I'm my experience a guy that uses the "too nice" reasoning tend not to be that nice. If you like this guy, just take is slowly. There is no rush. If you are good together then great and if not, that's great too.

Hmmm, I might take back previous posts then. I’m another one who finds that men who think they are “too nice” often turn out to be anything but. Does his dating profile make much reference to the fact he is A. Nice. Guy. Has he bemoaned the fact that women ‘always choose bastards’ or ‘always friendzone him’ or somehow just don’t seem to appreciate the full extent of his incredible niceness (by having sex with him).

Probably not from what you say, but it is something I’d watch out for. I’d probably still give him a date, see if there’s a spark in person, and take it (cautiously) from there. But any more of the ‘poor me I’m such a nice guy’ stuff I’d be knocking it on the head, that’s just me though.

Hoik · 17/02/2020 16:25

Your latest post suggests to me that he is going to be wanting intimacy fairly quickly and that perhaps this is the "coming in too strong" he has referred to. And as for "too nice", yes it is often used by men who are anything but and who then complain about being sidelined or "friendzoned" due to being too nice, however "too nice" can also indicate a lack of boundaries, a lack of opinion, and a lack of assertiveness.

Again, this is based purely on my own experiences with a man who had no experience of being in a long term relationship.

Aosdana · 17/02/2020 16:32

I agree that "too nice", when said by the person, is rarely true.

God, yes. It's the relationships equivalent of saying 'Perfectionism' in a job interview where you're asked what your worst workplace flaw is.

Someone I went out with briefly would definitely say he was 'too nice' and 'too giving'.

Unfortunately, this meant in practice that he had literally nothing else going on in his life apart from our (brand new) relationship still at the casual dating stage and was the human equivalent of the kind of dog that knocks you over with devoted enthusiasm if you so much as glance at it, and fawns all over you, tail wagging, if you walk in the door.

It's kind of sweet in dogs, but needy and desperate in an adult human being who's known you a week and appears to have no other human ties, pastimes, commitments, significant friendships etc.

It's a type -- perhaps it exists in female form, too, but I've only come across it in men. They seem to be waiting in suspended animation for someone to come along and provide them with a life, a circle of friends, dress sense, a routine, weekend rituals etc. They seem to have the idea it's women's job to 'civilise' them, keep them up to the mark and in touch with the rest of the human race, instruct them on clothes, buying furniture etc.

It's really unattractive. I think they must turn into the husbands who are incapable of buying birthday cards for their own parents, or maintaining relationships with their family.

Hoik · 17/02/2020 16:34

To add to my post about how being too nice can mean a lack of boundaries, opinions, and assertiveness. It sounds great in theory having someone who doesn't ever disagree with you, who never tries to take over the situation, never tries to push their will ahead of yours, etc but in reality it can be incredibly wearing and irritating. When you went to go out somewhere together and attempts to make plans are met with an insipid "whatever you want to do is fine", when you're trying to have a conversation or discussion and it feels entirely one sided, when you want help making s choice or decision and all you get from the other side is your own thoughts parroted back to you... it makes the relationship feel very unequal and - personally - I ended up feeling more like his mother/parent than his girlfriend and it was like dating a personality vacuum.

Rejected101 · 17/02/2020 16:53

I don’t think 12 months is that bad tbh

Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 17:00

@UglyMisters I wouldn’t say that I was “sure enough about a narcissist to have two children with him” A narcissist doesn’t show all of his true colours at first. In fact to begin with they seem like Prince Charming. Likewise leaving an extremely abusive relationship that corrodes all of your self worth and confidence takes a lot of attempts and time. I have been single for a very long time because of this fact, and because I feared falling for someone unsuitable again, it messes with your own judgment, hence my asking on here.

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PumpkinP · 17/02/2020 17:03

I think you are being unfair. I’ve only ever had 1 relationship and I’m in my 30s, if you could even call it a relationship as he always refused to commit and I stuck around for way longer than I should have. I’ve never lived with a man. There is nothing “wrong” with me, some people just aren’t as lucky in relationships as others.

Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 17:03

@Lweji when I enquired why previous dating had not worked out, he said he’s not sure, he wishes he knew. He said he’s been told a couple of times he’s too nice or felt he was a bit of a rebound as they’d ended up going back to their ex partner. And he said in the past, years old, he think he came on too strongly with romantic gestures etc too quickly but he’s learnt from that as he’s got older and remedied it.

OP posts:
Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 17:10

Also I agree the “too nice” could be 🤨 However when I was in my late teens/early twenties I would dismiss the “nice” guys as I thought they were boring. One of those I’m still on friendly terms with (as in a nod and a hello) and after years of being turned down by girls, he went onto to get married and seems a brilliant doting father and very happy. So I agree there are two sides to a coin.

OP posts: