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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

36 year old man never had long term relationship

130 replies

Mayplesyrup · 16/02/2020 19:08

I’m a single mum of 2, recently got chatting to someone online who I really click with, seen his FB etc, BUT, he’s 36 and never had a long term relationship, longest is 12 months. AIBU thinking this is a bit weird or there’s something wrong with him???
He’s said it’s because he’s never really met anyone who it’s gone long term with/been a proper connection.

OP posts:

maddy68 · 16/02/2020 23:47

Lots of my make friends have never had a relationship for various reasons. Work related mainly. They are all fabulous guys. Don't be put off

BorneoBabe · 16/02/2020 23:48

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity Love that you made your own happiness.

Original poster

Mayplesyrup · 16/02/2020 23:51

Thanks for all your responses.

Firstly would just like to say I really don’t appreciate someone saying I am “the second hand market” purely because I have two children and am a single parent. No one knows why my last relationship ended. Likewise I appreciate I have ‘baggage’ (although I would never class my children as such, just quoting others opinions on here) HOWEVER that is a huge factor going forwards, I don’t want to risk missing any red flags that down the line could impact my children. My previous partner had not had a LTR and he turned out to be a narcissist, so yes I am very wary, however appreciate people could of not found a relationship yet be perfectly lovely people.

Also - on the flip side, I worry for HIS sake that never having lived with someone or had a serious relationship, if we dated he would have to try and understand the complexities of dating a mother with children etc etc. It’s a HUGE amount for a guy to take on, let alone one with no experience of living with anyone previously??!

OP posts:

MelbaToast · 16/02/2020 23:55

My longest relationship until I met my ex-dh was only 12 months. We were together for 10 years. I don't think the length of the relationship matters as much as the number. Someone who had a lot of relationships would worry me more. Keep on talking and see how it goes.

Dieu · 17/02/2020 00:02

It would put me off a bit. People who have been on their own for that long can become incredibly set in their ways.

mintybonbons · 17/02/2020 00:03

I am single with no children. I have lived with a partner for a year. I recently met someone with a child and in all honesty while I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought to start with, I figured if we enjoyed spending time together that's what matters. I totally get it's a package.

Sonichu · 17/02/2020 00:33

"Firstly would just like to say I really don’t appreciate someone saying I am “the second hand market” purely because I have two children and am a single parent."

That almost sounds like you're saying you don't like the implication that there might be something wrong with you because you're a single mother...?

Ohand nice drip feed about your ex there 👍

LordsALeaping · 17/02/2020 00:40

I would be wary. I’m not interested in having to teach someone well into adulthood the kinds of ordinary relationship stuff most of us cut our teeth on much earlier in our adult lives.

And I agree with @Dieu on the possibility of being very set in their ways.

A male friend of mine is divorcing his heartbroken wife in his early 50s, after getting together when he was 40, marrying and having children, without him having had any sustained relationship at all since his undergraduate days.

He was just waaay too set in his single ways for the family life he genuinely wanted — he’s an loner whose idea of normal is getting in late from work and going straight to his ‘study’ to play Warhammer for five hours. Weekends spent semi-working on projects which should/could be done in office hours, as an alibi for sitting upstairs alone at his computer, without any sense that this is shortchanging his family.

He thinks my very ordinary weekends with DH and DD — farmers’ market, lunch with friends, bike ride, bake — are incredibly high-octane and completely unreasonable.

In fact, he’s a disastrous parent and husband. And he’s getting a divorce after fifteen years and two children because he’s ‘too exhausted’ by the (very minimal) demands of his family life. And I don’t think it had occurred to him it would be 50/50 residency until I told him that was usual. He was actually imagining a blissful solitude where no one would require him to help with homework or take his daughters swimming.

Rezie · 17/02/2020 07:02

@Reziethere are plenty of people that have never had relationships. Doesn’t make us lepers.

Huh? I was just giving an anecdote about people who started their first relationship later in life. In support of op's bf candidate. I'm not in anyway suggesting that it's rare.

MyOtherProfile · 17/02/2020 07:08

never had a long term relationship, longest is 12 months

12 months is a LTR isn't it? It shows he could make it work for more than just a few dates.

Oldfail · 17/02/2020 07:12

Think you described my DH.

He was 34 when we met. Only had 1 long term of 12 months when he was 18. She broke his heart and he hadnt found anyone since.

Lovely gentle guy, great with his family, g
Doting caring attentive. Good job, owned property.

He has alopecia totalis but it suits him and alot easier to clean the bathroom after him 😁 Been together 6 years,married for 4 with 2 children

JavaQ · 17/02/2020 07:13

Getting to know him doesnt mean you HAVE to marry him or have his children.
See how it goes.
Be nice.
Have fun.
Treat him as you would wish to be treated and all will be well.

Ragwort · 17/02/2020 07:22

I think it sounds quite refreshing, he is clearly comfortable in his own company, doesn't want to 'settle' and hopefully won't be needy. As a PP said, far too many people seem to just go from one relationship to another, never spending any time on their own and just desperate to be 'half of a couple', I would find that really off putting.

If you like him, just get to know slowly, but be honest - are you looking for a boyfriend or a future live in partner? Much better to keep him separate from your life with your children.

Baboomtsk · 17/02/2020 07:41

There are all sorts of reasons why he may not have had a relationship that lasted longer than 12 months before note.

Could be a combination of being shy/introverted/generally content with his own company/focused on other things/bad luck/good luck/unwillingness to 'settle' etc...

If he seems ok otherwise I would just take it slowly and see how things go.

Original poster

Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 07:43

@Sonichu no, there could be lots of things ‘wrong’ with me as you so kindly put it, however I wouldn’t class having borne two children as something wrong with me at all!

Not a drip feed about ex, mentioned to further explain why I am wary.

Thanks to everyone else for your constructive comments

OP posts:

Sonichu · 17/02/2020 07:58

" no, there could be lots of things ‘wrong’ with me as you so kindly put it, however I wouldn’t class having borne two children as something wrong with me at all!"

Totally missing the point.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/02/2020 08:08

OP, we all come with baggage. Even young people have the "baggage" if you like, of the primary relationship that they have been privy too (for example the thread about talking at mealtimes). You are regarding this man not having lived with someone, been in a three year relationship with someone, not having had children with someone as a kind of red flag. Personally I think it sounds great. I can quite easily see how being a sole parent with a child (I was) is a huge handicap to a single, childless person!! The child always comes first (especially if no involvement of the father, as in my case), time is excessively limited, money too ....

It's not that something might be "wrong", it's that it could be viewed as a red flag in a different way.

On another note, my brother (older) has has three failed marriages and that would put me off much more.

MintySpud · 17/02/2020 08:16

I always kept my nose firmly out of my boyfriends' romantic pasts and expected the same from them.

Original poster

Mayplesyrup · 17/02/2020 08:19

@Lobsterquadrille2 yes I completely agree with red flag and children; so am concerned about how he would cope dating a single parent if he’s never dated properly with anyone? I don’t plan on him meeting the kids or anything, but like you say my free time is extremely limited which in turn would affect him

OP posts:

MintySpud · 17/02/2020 08:19

Personally I would much rather date some one who has a “failed” relationship and 2 kids than someone who has not been able to sustain a relationship for more than a few months.

Why unable to? Perhaps he didn't want to. Not everyone feels the need to be in a relationship for its own sake at any cost.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 17/02/2020 08:29

@Mayplesyrup completely understandable but you're projecting .... just take it really slowly. I didn't date anyone until DD was at secondary school because it seemed too complicated. Since then I've had three longish term relationships (not live in ones!) with a variety of different issues .... two of the three had their own grown up children, one of those two hideously resented my daughter and the one who had no children was actually the most family orientated and a doting uncle (as you say this man is). He's the only one I am still in touch with.

So there can be all kinds of issues regardless of past relationships and children, I think is what I am clumsily trying to say. 😀

AliasGrape · 17/02/2020 08:36

I see where pps are coming from about not wanting to have to teach an adult partner how relationships work, but that’s not really how it goes is it? Every relationship is new between the two people involved and you learn from each other surely? My DH, with not much relationship history, has taught me far than exes with a string of failed relationships behind them. And yeah, I’ve had to ‘teach’ him a few things too. I’ll admit that the period after moving in together was hard and shitty for both of us - I’ve had more relationships but had lived alone for a while before meeting him, and was also pretty defensive and prickly after past experiences, and yeah he was very used to his own space and doing things his own way. But we communicated and adjusted and loved each other and it was all so worth it.

By the logic of some here, my long term ex who was with me for 12 years (cheating for much of it it turns out), left for OW, married and had 2 kids with her and then left for another OW, a relationship which also failed - would be a better prospect than my DH who had been mostly single till meeting me at 37. Very much not the case, doesn’t matter how many LTR’s ex has, he doesn’t learn and will keep on fucking up every relationship he has until he dies probably, my DH May not have the experience but he knows far more about how to make a relationship work and didn’t need the important stuff teaching.

It might be that he’s single and always has been because he’s a bit odd or he treats women badly or he’s a warhammer obsessed recluse with no concept of how to share space with another human. It might just be that he’s been unlucky or it just hasn’t worked out for him yet. That’s what dating is for - to find out and see if there’s anything there you’d like to pursue. Nobody is saying marry him and tell your kids he’s their new stepdad, just that if you like him so far it might be worth a quick chat over coffee or whatever to see if you like him in person. Odds are with OLD he will be a knob, the vast majority are in my experience, but if so you’ve lost what - 2 hours and the price of a coffee? At least you’ve got a funny story to tell your friends - that’s what got me through my crappy dating days until I eventually lucked out with DH.

MooseBreath · 17/02/2020 08:39

I don't see the issue. Clearly having a long-term relationship just wasn't a priority of his up until now. My best friend (female) is 29 and hasn't had a long-term relationship, but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with her.

MyOtherProfile · 17/02/2020 08:58

concerned about how he would cope dating a single parent if he’s never dated properly with anyone?
But he has had relationships and even one which lasted a year.

Sounds to me like you're looking for a reason for it not to work.

tomatoesandstew · 17/02/2020 09:05

I am in a long term relationship with someone who had no real long term relationship history before me but had dated.
I was convinced for about a year that there must be some red flags in there and spent a while looking for them.
I think there were a number of factors that led to it - a bit of shyness and working in a very male environment and not a major priority -
Overall its still been by far my best relationship. He was mature and had lived long term with a friend so actually had a better understanding of some of the more mundane aspects of being a good house mate etc that previous ones didn't.

The things we row about relationship seem pretty universal to mums net - making a fuss on significant dates, share of household labour etc.
If you like him and fancy carry on with it. If you already have the ick factor you'll have to pass....

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