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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

36 year old man never had long term relationship

130 replies

Mayplesyrup · 16/02/2020 19:08

I’m a single mum of 2, recently got chatting to someone online who I really click with, seen his FB etc, BUT, he’s 36 and never had a long term relationship, longest is 12 months. AIBU thinking this is a bit weird or there’s something wrong with him???
He’s said it’s because he’s never really met anyone who it’s gone long term with/been a proper connection.

OP posts:
dramaqueenforlife · 17/02/2020 09:11

@Rezie sorry that comment about being leper’s wasn’t actually aimed at you. I reread my sentence and that was poorly written by me! I was throwing that out to everyone and not you!!!

AJPTaylor · 17/02/2020 09:23

One of the nicest men I know had practically no relationships until he met some One at work in his early thirties and married.

Stefoscope · 17/02/2020 09:29

I think I'd prefer dating someone who's had fewer long term relationships to someone who's mid 30s and has always jumped from one relationship to the next since they were a teen. Chances are they know themselves pretty well and aren't going to be too clingy/are comfortable with you going off and seeing friends etc without them.

Crystal87 · 17/02/2020 09:33

I would think there was an issue. I met a man on OLD and we spoke for 2 months constantly then started dating. We met at long last, he told me how excited he was for our future, had 3 good dates and contact in between, then very swiftly dumped me. He was 38 and his longest relationship was 6 months.
He was also always slagging off his friends' wives and girlfriends. I gathered he was a commitment phobe or had deep seated issues that meant he only ever wanted a phone/ text friend and the idea of a relationship.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/02/2020 09:45

"12 months is a LTR isn't it? "

I wouldn't have thought so. 12 months is a boyfriend/girlfriend, not a partner, which I presume is what OP means, a marriage-type relationship.

x2boys · 17/02/2020 10:12

Not everyone finds relationship,s easy I was 31 when I met dh other than an 18 months(ish) relationship between the ages of 17 and 19 there was no serious relationship s until I met dh ,well I was,seeing someone for about 6 months but he didn't want commitment , I ha V been married for 15 years now .

tootsey · 17/02/2020 10:18

Stop judging the poor man. You are looking for faults. Some people are just quiet and content I'm themselves. He maybe didn't have the time to put into a ltr.

CharlieCoCo · 17/02/2020 10:19

I dont understand the attitude of there must be something wrong with him, just because he has t broken up with someone in the past lol.
What is this obsession people have that they must be with another person or there is something wrong. There is something more wrong with having a cruel attitude. There are so many reasons why he might not have been in a long term relationship before. If it's because hes been killing them off then yes, there is something wrong with him, but I suspect it's more likely because of attitudes like this that people are basically deeming him a freak. Put it this way, if he was in a long term relationship then he may not have met you, who could become his whole future if you give him the chance, after all something has drawn you to him.
Just remember though, some people cant be alone so jump from one relationship to the next, others cope fine.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 17/02/2020 11:38

I don't get this at all. He's had a relationship of 12 months that isn't just a fling.

In any case, I've had maybe four long term relationships of 3+ years that haven't worked out.

Someone could say there must be something wrong with me because even though people spent three years with me, they didn't want to marry me / have children with me.

They don't know whether I've ended the relationship or the other party did. Just as you don't know if he perhaps just doesn't get into relationships unless he is really sure there is potential for it to be "the one".

If you're uncomfortable dating someone because you're worried their experience means they'd find the situation overwhelming or you feel they might not understand your kids always come first that all makes perfect sense and is absolutely fair enough.

But you haven't just said that, you've said "there must be something wrong with him" which is actually pretty nasty isn't it?

Nobody is forcing you to date this guy, if your gut says it's a no then just don't date him. Instead you're using headspace by turning this into a character assassination of sorts and you don't even know the guy.

Be kind.

BubblyBarbara · 17/02/2020 11:39

My friend has been with someone like this for years now and he was in his 40s when they met. He has really come out of his shell and was just a very academic person with lots of hobbies. It doesnt necessarily mean they’re a child molester or something

justmyview · 17/02/2020 11:43

Why should there be red flags? I’m in my 40s and never been in a a relationship. Not due to not wanting to be in one or there is anything wrong with me. I just never met the right person. Anyone i was interested in never wanted to know. I’ve been friend zoned all my life. As time goes on it just chips away at your confidence to the point you get it in your head that there is something wrong with you. I’m not fussy. I certainly do not have a tick list. Just wish someone would give me a chance. So OP give this poor sod a chance. You never know. Could be the best decision you make

Good post from @dramaqueenforlife

Missarad · 17/02/2020 11:45

Tbh my husbands friend is like this he is an only child and loves at home. His last Gf wanted to buy A house in west Yorkshire and he didnt want to move 2 far from mum. They split up. He also doesnt want to have his own children etc. So it's not massive u may be the one hes been waiting for

Maduixa · 17/02/2020 12:14

I really don’t appreciate someone saying I am “the second hand market” purely because I have two children and am a single parent. No one knows why my last relationship ended.

... there could be lots of things ‘wrong’ with me as you so kindly put it...

People are making judgements about you to make the point that YOU are making unfounded judgements about HIM. You literally said AIBU thinking this is a bit weird or there’s something wrong with him??? and then followed up with just can’t help but think there MUST be something wrong with him?! - the EXACT same words you chided @sonichu for saying to you. The point is, you know why your previous relationship(s) didn't work out, and still feel competent to date and find a healthy relationship. He probably feels the same way about his past.

I don't think you should pursue anything with him. You clearly have a bias and aren't going to give him a fair chance, so why waste his and your time? You don't need an excuse to not date someone.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 17/02/2020 12:30

@Sonichu was making a point with their posts - using the very phrases you used about this guy to show you how judgemental and unnecessarily nasty it sounds.

It's very telling that you responded angrily to being spoken about the exact way you were speaking about someone else.

Surely you can see how hypocritical that is and admit that it proved a point?

BarbedBloom · 17/02/2020 12:47

I would give him the chance. This could have been my DH, except his longest relationship was shorter. In his case it was a combination of being shy and also, as soon as he said he was still living with his mum, women didn't want to know.

I had the same reservations to be honest, but thought I would give him a chance. There were a few teething troubles, especially when we moved in together, but overall things are wonderful. Almost six years in now and I am so glad I took the chance.

BarbedBloom · 17/02/2020 12:48

I missed out most there, as soon as he said he was living with his mum, most women didn't want to know*

VivaLeBeaver · 17/02/2020 12:53

This was my dh 20 years ago and we've been married for 19 years now.

Oblomov20 · 17/02/2020 12:58

Only one way to find out. Might be set in his ways?
Or could be perfect. I'd only had one long term boyfriend before I met Dh. Married for 20 years.

Sally99 · 17/02/2020 12:58

How refreshing to find someone who hasn't got ex-s coming out of his ears. He's probably an absolute catch.

GiadaReadingsOnEtsy · 17/02/2020 13:18

I know quite a few people like him (some of them in their early 40's), and he would be seen as a catch as he has no 'baggage' (I hate that term).
Most likely he's introverted, been busy with work and is a little picky. Nothing wrong with that. Good luck with things.

Popc0rn · 17/02/2020 13:30

My boyfriend hadn't had a relationship longer than 12 months when we first got together (when he was mid 30s). He said the same; never met anyone he was interested in for a long term relationship, and was always busy as he has a very close family, lots of friends, a couple of sporty hobbies and a very successful job. Been together a few years now. Nothing "wrong" with him, some people just don't prioritise relationships as much as other people. Like a pp said it's actually quite refreshing.

Nowayorhighway · 17/02/2020 13:34

Give him a chance and see what happens. Other people may not have given him that chance, it might not be that there’s anything wrong with him at all. Perhaps he’s shy and introverted so has always struggled or has focused on other things in his life. My DH’s longest relationship was about 18 months long in his late teens, he’d only casually dated after that. She cheated on him throughout and destroyed his confidence, may be the case with this guy too.

FizzyIce · 17/02/2020 13:37

Sounds like my bil.
He met my sister online and was still living at home in his 40’s .
Something about him is off though , he seems controlling to the rest of us but my sister seems happy enough so we just bite our tongues .
Not all of them are like that though obviously

TheSoapyFrog · 17/02/2020 13:41

I'm a 37 year old woman whose longest relationship has been about 2 years. I haven't found anyone I've wanted to be with long term. I'm someone who would rather have nothing than settle for mediocre just to say I have something.
I have met someone now though and I think he is the one. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me by the way!

Remmy123 · 17/02/2020 13:46

My brother who is gorgeous and funny and kind hasn't at the age of 37 - just hasn't found many women that he likes!! I'd hate to think anyone wood think he had issues.

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