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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my Mother BU

124 replies

Warsawa31 · 16/02/2020 19:02

Hi

Would really appreciate some outside perspective.

Our DD is 10 months old, she had a difficult start was in NICU for a few weeks. During that time my mum (and others) called pretty much every day for updates etc.
As you would expect the daily calls turned to weekley and then every ten days of whatever.
However my mum varies on video calling most days to see the baby ( she is local and watches her weekly for us)

She has really helped us with buying prawn mmmm car seat clothes, etc which I really appreciate.

My wife had never really got on with her - they are just different people, but lately my wife is resenting the frequent calls. She said today “your mum isn’t any more special than any other of her grandparents”

I do see her point of view, I feel like in between a rock and hard place tbh and jets effected our relationship.

Myself and my mum didn’t speak more than a few tones a month before DD came along. It doesn’t bother me that she is calling to see her and not specifically for a conversation with me.

Anyway so do you think she is BU to call so often?

YABU - Your wife is right grow a pair and tell your mum to calm down on calling so much

YANBU - she’s your mum and just wants to see DD

Thanks 😊

OP posts:
Selfsettling3 · 16/02/2020 19:04

Maybe you could do the video call with the baby every day.

AppleKatie · 16/02/2020 19:04

When is she calling? When you are out and your wife is having to facilitate the video ‘chats’?

Or when you’re home and your wife gets to go and have a cup of tea/bath/nap during that time.

That makes a huge difference to my vote.

Fairenuff · 16/02/2020 19:04

Is she calling you or your wife?

Original poster
Warsawa31 · 16/02/2020 19:04

I should clarify - she only calls me not my wife

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 16/02/2020 19:06

Every day is a bit much but surely you can both just naturally slow it down by not answering every day; send a quick message saying you’re busy and will call the next day and then slow it down to a couple of times a week

iamafriendlyladybird · 16/02/2020 19:07

If it's your mum calling you and it doesn't take all night I don't really see the problem

cherryblossomgin · 16/02/2020 19:08

I don't this either is being unreasonable but maybe you need to compromise. What about instead of a call, send your mum a video update of DD and call her every second day. I would approach your mum gently though.

FraglesRock · 16/02/2020 19:08

As long as she's calling you and it's not half an hr every bloody night in the middle of tea then I'd not be too fussed. Try not answering every night and occasionally call her to break the tradition.

fairynick · 16/02/2020 19:09

I think it’s really controlling of your wife to be angry that you speak to your mum every day. Speak to her how ever often you like!

Fairenuff · 16/02/2020 19:09

If she is not impacting on your wife it shouldn't matter but if it does you should decline the call and send a message to say, 'can't talk right now, will call later' and then do it at a time that's convenient to both of you.

mclover · 16/02/2020 19:12

YANBU - maybe she is jealous? Are her parents a bit rubbish? The more people who adore your child the better! And lovely for your daughter to have a grandparent who cares

RhymingRabbit3 · 16/02/2020 19:12

I dont see what the problem is. If your wife doesnt like it she can just leave the room. Presumably this call doesnt go on for hours?
No she isnt any more special than the other grandparents. I'm sure if your MIL wanted to phone up every night too that would be fine with you.

Also I know it's a typo but this really did make me laugh prawn mmmm car seat clothes

Original poster
Warsawa31 · 16/02/2020 19:14

@ RhymingRabbit3 lol yeah me too I phone auto correct thanks for reply

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/02/2020 19:15

I think it’s really controlling of your wife to be angry that you speak to your mum every day. Speak to her how ever often you like!

On the other hand it could be seen as controlling of the Mum to need to FaceTime a baby every day when she sees her weekly.

If your DW isn't happy you and she need an open and honest conversation about why. Then you need to work out how to make it better; one of you might need to compromise, but neither of you needs to be wrong.

Original poster
Warsawa31 · 16/02/2020 19:16

@ mclover yeah her parents aren’t great. she had a horrible childhood

I’ve said to her I think she might be projecting a bit, I would like her to go to therapy but obviously she needs to make that choice

OP posts:
Geminijes · 16/02/2020 19:17

I think your wife is being unreasonable.

It's OK for your Mum to have your daughter every week but not OK for her to video call you every day. Sounds as if your wife wants contact only when it's of benefit to her.

PinkiOcelot · 16/02/2020 19:17

I really don’t see the problem tbh. I think your wife is being unreasonable. If your mum is calling you, it’s hardly inconveniencing her.

Alsohuman · 16/02/2020 19:18

I think it’s really controlling of your wife to be angry that you speak to your mum every day. Speak to her how ever often you like!

This.

BendingSpoons · 16/02/2020 19:23

I haven't voted. You are welcome to speak to your mum as much as you like, however it would irritate me if it was every day and it becomes an obligation almost. I think the video updates are a good idea. On busy days you could send a video and say, sorry bit too busy to call today.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/02/2020 19:26

How long and when are the calls? When DS was born MIL used to phone every day and always managed to time it for either when we were eating dinner or trying to put DS to bed. She got very upset when we tried to change it to DH phoning when it was convenient for us. In the end we used to let the call go to answerphone if it wasn’t convenient.
Also MIL likes a long phone call!

Enchiladas · 16/02/2020 19:26

Your wife is being massively unreasonable. Remind her if it wasn't for your mum she wouldn't have you or DD.

Pilot12 · 16/02/2020 19:29

I would find it very annoying if my MIL called every single day just to ask what the baby has been doing. I call my Mum once a week and DP calls his twice. MIL sees her GC once a week.

Original poster
Warsawa31 · 16/02/2020 19:31

The calls last 5-15 minutes usually she calls around 6 when we give bubba a few minutes play time before bath.

Just seems like a tiny thing but it’s started to effect our marriage.
Not really the calling itself so much as my wife’s reaction to it if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 16/02/2020 19:33

YABU it’s extremely intrusive for that amount of contact. Your mother is taking away precious time from the 3 of you as a family

KidCaneGoat · 16/02/2020 19:36

How do you find the calls? If you like them and baby likes them, then there’s no problem and your wife is being unfair. If they stress you out and leave you grumpy then it’s understandable. It does sound like it could be that she’s really upset that it’s not her parents calling.