Is my Mother BU

[Warsawa31]

Hi

Would really appreciate some outside perspective.

Our DD is 10 months old, she had a difficult start was in NICU for a few weeks. During that time my mum (and others) called pretty much every day for updates etc.
As you would expect the daily calls turned to weekley and then every ten days of whatever.
However my mum varies on video calling most days to see the baby ( she is local and watches her weekly for us)

She has really helped us with buying prawn mmmm car seat clothes, etc which I really appreciate.

My wife had never really got on with her - they are just different people, but lately my wife is resenting the frequent calls. She said today “your mum isn’t any more special than any other of her grandparents”

I do see her point of view, I feel like in between a rock and hard place tbh and jets effected our relationship.

Myself and my mum didn’t speak more than a few tones a month before DD came along. It doesn’t bother me that she is calling to see her and not specifically for a conversation with me.

Anyway so do you think she is BU to call so often?

YABU - Your wife is right grow a pair and tell your mum to calm down on calling so much

YANBU - she’s your mum and just wants to see DD

Thanks 😊

I don’t think your wife is being unreasonable or controlling at all.

I wouldn’t like to be expected to take a video call from someone at 6pm, every single day.

As another poster said, I think your mum is being intrusive. I agree that you should naturally slow this down by allowing the phone to go to voicemail and gradually cutting this down to a couple of times per week.

Your mother doesn't need to video call if she sees her grandchild every week. Christ even I would tell my mother to back off is she wanted to FaceTime everyday!

I’m starting to get a it stressed when she calls now just as I know it’ll cause my wife to get pissed off.

The calls are nothing taxing for me, just hello how was your day here’s DD.

I think I’ll taper them down now, I just feel bad for saying don’t call me so often. But at the same time my marriage is my first priority. Hence rock and hard place.

If you are happy to speak to and face time her every day then your wife is unreasonable to stop it. You can agree all grandparents are special and it might be an idea for her to call her family more often.

I would find it a bit much everyday. I would if it was my own parent too. It would become a bit intrusive if I'm honest. I love my parents but I wouldn't want to speak to them at a set time everyday. Especially that time in the evening when it's typically wind down, tidy up, bath etc. It's lovely that she obviously loves her gc though. Both of my children hit toddlerhood and had no interest in sitting nicely for a video call so you might find it phases out in time anyway.

I don't think your wife is being unreasonable at all, I think video calling for 5-15 minutes every single day is really intrusive of your mother. It interrupts every evening spent with your wife and child, and as you say she's not interested in talking to you, just seeing the baby, who she looks after once a week so sees them then uninterrupted, when do you get to spend an uninterrupted evening with your wife and child?

I would cut it down to a couple of times a week on different days so it doesn't become a routine expectation of you. As a grandparent seeing and speaking to your grandchild (especially when they are so young) three times a week seems plenty!

Maybe your wife would like a few uninterrupted evenings with you and your child together, without your mother being 'there' all the time?

Your wife sounds very controlling. It's not her business how often you speak to your mum.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person.

My mum calls to see my DS alot and I whatsapp her too. That's because she is 4 hours away so does not get to see him regularly. Maybe as she baby sits him once a week you could call her maybe twice in between that time or she could come over for 30 minutes one evening and you have one whatsapp call. There are many variations on cutting it down. I feel bad for my DH as his family do not contact him as often but that cant be helped.

5-15 minutes per day is hardly a lot in the scheme of things. Your wife sounds jealous as your mum is more involved than hers. Imagine if the roles were reversed and a man was telling his wife that she couldn't speak to her mother for a few minutes daily 🤷‍♀️.

If your wife is irritated by it then can she not take herself into another room and have a cup of tea (or whatever) in peace?

If it's regularly interrupting family time, I'd put it on silent every so often, tail it off without causing a scene. Is there a more convent time you could call her

My parents spend a lot of time overseas, and we FaceTime daily, except Thursday coz it's quiz night. I do try to avoid when husband is around but part of that is because if he's on shift he doesn't always get long with DD before bed so I don't like to eat in to his time, parents completely understand and respect this. However if he's on rest days then he doesn't bat an eye.
Some of the chats don't last long, depends on how cooperative DD is feeling.
Me personally I think it's nice to have GP who want to be involved and FaceTime is better then her turning up on the doorstep.
Could it be because it's when your just home from work and your doing the bedtime routine? She may feel like it's the only bit of family time you get and feel a little resentful?

@Mummyshark2018

Thanks for reply, I always go into DD room for the call and my wife doesn’t really come in anyway.

In not painting myself as a victim at all though, I can see it from her point of view as well. But as I said it’s a circular argument hence why I’ve posted to see if anyone can offer me a way of seeing it I missed. And everyone has :)

Respect your mum first, she's just trying to help in a tricky time with the baba.

My mum rings me every day and it drives me mad. a 5-15 minute video call every day would tip me over the edge! It seems a bit excessive.

Your wife sounds selfish. An important part of parenting an incredible part is putting your DC's needs above your own. It sounds like this will take a while for your wife. This is not about her, it's about your DD and your mother. She should be happy for her DD and back off IMO.

Involved loving grand parents are great but daily video calling is way too much, especially for a baby she sees weekly. It’s intrusive, interrupts family time and really isn’t necessary. If it were my own mother doing this I’d tell her to stop and I would cut it down to once a week so she sees the baby twice a week including in person. Of course continue to call or text your mum as often as you like and send baby photos, just not the nightly video chats.

YANBU but neither is your wife. Calling everyday at first is sweet. But you have the parenting of newborn well in hand and honestly there is not much to say from one day to the next. So, the calls should taper off. Every day is not sustainable in the long run. Can you envision a video chat every day when your baby is 2 or 12?
Aim for once a week since she sees the baby weekly anyway for now.

Respect your mum first, she's just trying to help in a tricky time with the baba how is her video calling every evening helping anyone? I have adult children and wouldn't dream of intruding into their evening every evening in this way.

I called my mum nearly every day until she died. I ouldnhave spent half an hour on the phone. My Dh would never had asked me not to. He used to speak to his mum twice a week. That was their routine. It's as much about you wanting a chat with your mother as it is about the baby so your wife has no business telling you to cut down on calls. How is the 5/10 minutes affecting her day? Is it eating into any time she feels she should be spending with you or the baby? Hardly! No doubt the calls will ease off in time as baby gets older. I'd say it is a case that your wife is a bit put out that her family are not as close, but that's her issue to work through.

I think you can taper the calls down a bit without needing a confrontation with either of them.
Why not text your Mum one day and say you’re busy that evening but here’s a video. The next day speak as normal. The day after just do t answer her call. The day after speak as normal. Day after that send a text saying it’s not great to talk tonight. Next day as normal etc.
Neither of them need to know you’re managing the situation

Video calling can feel quite intrusive. They can see part of the room, they can hear everything, everyone can hear them. I would be irritated at a friend video calling my DP every day, let alone someone I didn't like.

Your first priorities are your wife and child.
Your DMum sees DC every week FGS that's a lot more than other GPs do.
Next time she calls - hi mum, not a good time, we're really busy, we'll see you on xxxday, ok? Bye.

If my own mum phoned me for a video call with the baby Every. Single. Day. it would really start to grate, and after a while I’d be expecting my husband to be saying “look, so we really need to be doing this every day when she sees the baby every week?!” It’s a bit much.

I think every day is a bit intrusive tbh. Especially as you are not really close, and your wife and her don’t get on. Hard as it is, I don’t think extended family can create a relationship through a child with the family, it works so much better if the relationship is with you all and the children too.

Otherwise it feels awkward and skewed. Children can be seen as blank slates for people to project relationships, at a different level to what is comfortable for the adults. This never seems to work long term. Better off she has a less daily expectation of a relationship, and it grows slowly and she learns about you both as parents too.

Honestly I would hate this. Every day video calling would feel really intrusive especially as she sees the baby every week.

I would gently ask your mum to limit it to just the once a week. It really doesn’t benefit anyone to create conflict.