Is my Mother BU

[Warsawa31]

Hi

Would really appreciate some outside perspective.

Our DD is 10 months old, she had a difficult start was in NICU for a few weeks. During that time my mum (and others) called pretty much every day for updates etc.
As you would expect the daily calls turned to weekley and then every ten days of whatever.
However my mum varies on video calling most days to see the baby ( she is local and watches her weekly for us)

She has really helped us with buying prawn mmmm car seat clothes, etc which I really appreciate.

My wife had never really got on with her - they are just different people, but lately my wife is resenting the frequent calls. She said today “your mum isn’t any more special than any other of her grandparents”

I do see her point of view, I feel like in between a rock and hard place tbh and jets effected our relationship.

Myself and my mum didn’t speak more than a few tones a month before DD came along. It doesn’t bother me that she is calling to see her and not specifically for a conversation with me.

Anyway so do you think she is BU to call so often?

YABU - Your wife is right grow a pair and tell your mum to calm down on calling so much

YANBU - she’s your mum and just wants to see DD

Thanks 😊

Put your wife first.

Your wife is BU, you take the call, what's the problem?

Everything that @lottiegarbanzo said. Take on board all of that OP, I think you'll struggle to find better advice than that.

It doesn't matter hugely if your wife is BU. Unless you start to hear and support her, you're heading to a bad place. If she feels supported then you can in time come to some arrangement with your mother.

Everything that Lottie said.

I would resent the notion that someone who couldn't care less about being in touch before is now in my family's face all the time just because there is a baby on the scene.

Think this definitely had some impact on the situation. Mil and dil didn’t get on before baby. Now baby is here mil is all over it. DIL accepted it in the beginning due to the circumstances and when things calmed down the calls lessened andeverything was fine enough for mil to have their baby once a week. MIL now having this time has ran with it by now adding video calling. If she is calling most days it would be 4+ times a week which is a lot and would be for many people. You need to have a chat with your mum or not answer every time she calls. You are being dismissive of your wife’s feelings and adding to her dislike of her mil.

Why does your mum need to be in contact so much?

I'm with your wife actually OP.

I love my MIL, but if a video call to her became part of my daily routine, it would feel like too much.

I'd also be a bit annoyed she is suddenly super involved where she wasn't before.

I would just start missing the calls and texting saying 'sorry can't do tonight, will call Thursday' etc and gently taper them down without having to have 'the chat'.

That half an hour where me and my husband all get chance to relax and play with her in-between him getting home and baby having bath/feed/bedtime routine is really special and I wouldn't like it if that was interrupted every day by someone video calling

I think this is probably how your wife is feeling.

Have you had a proper chat with her to understand her feelings or are you just dismissing it?

If I were sat down by the other adult at the end of a busy day with a cup of tea or a glass of wine in my hand while they spent a few minutes occupying my child with a videocall, I’d have thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Make it into something nice for your wife too, OP. Win/win.

Your mother is taking away precious time from the 3 of you as a family

Precious time. 🙄. 5 to 15 minutes a day. Get that bitch told she’s dominating your precious family life. Ffs.

I, too, agree with lottiegarbanzo.

Those daily video calls are intrusive and, once set in stone, will be a ball and chain jerking your family short as your child gets older. You're going to find your family life evolves, especially once school is in the mix. There simply won't be time.

I'd feel the same if it was my mum video calling me every day. Once or twice a week, when there's already a weekly visit, is plenty, and you can send pictures, etc at other time if you want to fill the gap.

OP, are either of you working at the moment? I mean in terms of are you both taking maternity or parental leave atm? Because if one of you is and is in a 9-5 type job, then arriving home and then having a video call every night shortly afterwards would be frustrating.

I get home around 5PM each night. If my MIL was then calling at 6PM for 5-15 minutes I'd be annoyed it was eating into my time with the baby and DH as we're not all home together for long Mon-Fri.

I work full time and my wife works part tine too.
To be fair From the advice I have been given I’ve decided to tone down the contact. It’s too much, just became a habit and I’ve not really considered the impact properly

Great @Warsawa31! Chat to your wife too, make her feel like she's been heard on this.

Well done OP. Just to mention specifically that, as you probably know, insomnia is a classic symptom of depression.

Your DW's insomnia may involve thinking about your mother but that doesn't necessarily mean it's 'about' or caused by her. It could be a that a pathologically agitated mind is naturally focusing its attention upon topics your DW feels agitated about.

At the same time, the situation with your DM could be causing or contributing to the development of a depressive illnesss for your DW. It's just not as simple and direct as thinking about her being the problem. More of a multi-step process, with a real, serious, treatable illness involved.

Worth helping her look into it, anyway.

Maybe it's not about your mum at all, but about feeling that she needs you to be able to unwind about her day etc. She's expecting to be interrupted just as she's telling you about something, which is annoying for her. She may not realise that's what she's objecting to though. It's complicated.

Thanks everyone for your views and advice. Really helpful to get some outside perspective, especially as the same two people having the same argument, although I consider us both to be quite open minded, wasn’t moving us forward.

I’ve spoken to my wife and she is very happy with the new ideas I have suddenly found rattling in my brain (Lol). We’ve had a lovely dinner and a relaxed playtime DD now fast asleep.

Funny how a small shift can make a big difference.

Thanks again ladies (and gents)

Well done. It’s so good that you’re prepared to do what’s best for your ‘chosen’ family.

Your DW sounds irrational and controlling.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

No. It's controlling and irrational to have to telephone every day at the same time, making a new young family jump to your tune at that time of day.

Why does your wife get to decide how many time you speak to your mother. If it was you telling her how often she could speak to her parents I'm sure she wouldn't like it.

Well done for taking the responses on board OP. I would HATE this (my MIL nearly succeeded in destroying our marriage when our first child was born) and I'm glad you will be changing it now.

Best of luck to you, your wife and your baby as you build your own family.

@10FrozenFingers

I married her so evidently I do want her for the rest of my life

How has your mum taken it

@FraglesRock

Yeah fine thanks she looks after baby tomorrow anyway. To be honest she prob will be happier to see her if she hasn’t for a week or so :)