Is my Mother BU

[Warsawa31]

Hi

Would really appreciate some outside perspective.

Our DD is 10 months old, she had a difficult start was in NICU for a few weeks. During that time my mum (and others) called pretty much every day for updates etc.
As you would expect the daily calls turned to weekley and then every ten days of whatever.
However my mum varies on video calling most days to see the baby ( she is local and watches her weekly for us)

She has really helped us with buying prawn mmmm car seat clothes, etc which I really appreciate.

My wife had never really got on with her - they are just different people, but lately my wife is resenting the frequent calls. She said today “your mum isn’t any more special than any other of her grandparents”

I do see her point of view, I feel like in between a rock and hard place tbh and jets effected our relationship.

Myself and my mum didn’t speak more than a few tones a month before DD came along. It doesn’t bother me that she is calling to see her and not specifically for a conversation with me.

Anyway so do you think she is BU to call so often?

YABU - Your wife is right grow a pair and tell your mum to calm down on calling so much

YANBU - she’s your mum and just wants to see DD

Thanks 😊

Every day? Every, single, day? What the hell do you have to talk to your mother about every single day? Maybe your wife would like some time with you in an evening without the interruption for once? I have healthy happy relationships with my parents and in-laws but I am on your wife’s side on this one, sorry.

Every day is a bit much tbh especially if she sees her GD every week. I would try and reduce it to 2-3 times a week. You have a new family and your wife should be your priority not your mum.

I’ve said to her I think she might be projecting a bit, I would like her to go to therapy but obviously she needs to make that choice

You want your wife to go to therapy because she finds daily calls from your mum intrusive? Wow. What a way to undermine the mother of your child, who is no doubt feeling slightly stressed by the daily intrusion. Daily calls are intrusive, there's no need for them. How long do you anticipate this continuing? I wouldn't even like my own mum calling ever day, especially when I was just getting ready to bathe baby or whatever. And she physically sees baby every week as well - ten min calls every day are unnecessary.

I would find it irritating and intrusive (a video call is almost as bad as physically coming into your house).

@FritzDonovan

That’s not the main reason, she really dislikes my mum and sometimes spends nights unable to sleep due to anger about it. Nothing specific has happened that’s the problem. We have talked about it so much that it’s caused problems. She had a horrible childhood and that’s why I think it would help her. I’ve been myself for my own MH issues - it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s certainly not an insult to suggest it in good faith, not as a spiteful comment to someone you disagree with

I’ve said to her I think she might be projecting a bit, I would like her to go to therapy but obviously she needs to make that choice

I’d tell you to go fuck yourself if you told me that. How fucking patronising.

Myself and my mum didn’t speak more than a few tones a month before DD came along. It doesn’t bother me that she is calling to see her and not specifically for a conversation with me.

Let’s be honest, your mum isn’t very close to you and the baby is giving you an opportunity to try to have a better relationship. In the meantime it’s impacting on your relationship with your wife. Why should she have to sit there like a lemon every night, waiting for you to finish feeding your mother’s needs. I assume you work, so that’s even less time together. Your so called 5-15 is probably longer than you care to admit to yourself and eating into, what you call, family playtime with baby.

I’ll rephrase that. Your mum isn’t as close to you as you’d like.

Your wife sounds selfish. An important part of parenting an incredible part is putting your DC's needs above your own. It sounds like this will take a while for your wife. This is not about her, it's about your DD and your mother.

How is she selfish? Their child spends time with grandmother every week and there are video chats most days of the week. Why is it necessary for gm to see and talk to their 10 mo most days when she is local and has her every week?

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily see my reply above your post

Out of context I can see how that would look patronising

Just ignore and text back, whatever your wife’s situation, too much twice a week would be enough.
Since I lost my parents, my brothers ( 3 of them) face time roughly every week, two of them abroad, it’s not set as such tho

It’s so intrusive. I would hate it and I’d be (somewhat irrationally I’ll admit) enraged by it. People say it’s only 5-15 mins I think it’s quite a lengthy time. The video aspect is the worst bit for me - she’s be as well plonking down in your livingroom every night. I’d be worried she’d be seeing my home when it wasn’t perhaps the what I wanted her to see it (maybe dishes lying, maybe needs a hoover, maybe toys everywhere...normal ore bedtime stuff), the baby might be grumpy/messy post dinner and I might not be looking “presentable”. Does any of that actually matter? No of course it doesn’t but it would matter to me and I’d feel very anxious and stressed out having that infusion every evening. Also your wife is not getting peace for family time with you and your child. Your mothers there too. Fine only for short whilst but it’s still an intrusion! It’s even more galling when your mum was happy with contact a few times a month and you admit she isn’t actually calling about you just to see the baby. She already sees her weekly which is quite a lot.

Try cutting it down to maybe twice a week. I’d find that less infuriating. Your poor wife!

As others have mentioned it WILL change. Your baby won’t want to be dragged to their bedroom every night to “perform” for Grandma soon enough. They’ll protest get upset. Your wife will be annoyed. Your house will go into meltdown just at the time it should be calming down. And before that if baby is little what about when the weather is nicer? I use to live for the half hour between DH getting home and DC bedtime when we could sit in garden in evening sun letting baby play and having a few moments to chat. That’s right when your mum is going to be videoing for “her time”.

Just seen your post that you think your wife needs therapy for mh issues related to irrational anger towards your mum. It’s even worse now!!! Not saying your mums or your fault but YOU are AWARE this is a mental health issue for your wife and contribute lll are contributing to it with the excessive video calls. Cut them right back. Two a eeek is more than ample.

A 5 minute video call is not something to get annoyed about.

She said today “your mum isn’t any more special than any other of her grandparents”

Nobody is stopping the other grandparents from calling. Don't take it out on the grandparent who does make an effort because your wife is cross with the grandparents who don't.

It is OTT for your Mum to video call every day. It would irritate the hell out of me. It means that every day when you play with the baby before bathtime, that time is never just a special time for you, your wife and baby.
Personally, I think one video call a week is plenty, especially as your Mum watches her weekly for you too.

Keeping up communication at that level will lead to further resentment by your wife and possibly interference by your mum too.

Also you going into another room for the call isn't helping your wife's relationship with your mum.

@FreshStartNow

I really haven’t thought about it like that before - that I am contributing to her anger. It makes a lot of sense though. Thanks

Is it possible your wife has/had PND? It may not be this at all of course but I know that this would irritate me hugely, and I had huge relationship problems after my eldest was born because my MIL was very, very full on (and still is) and I felt like she was trying to take over. I had huge fears that my daughter was going to end up being closer to her grandmother than she was to me and I truly felt like I was being pushed out. If your away from your wife while having these video calls, then maybe she feels like she has to stay away out and therefore feels angry that it's taking time away from her child every day. I'm not saying that anyone has made her feel that she has to stay away during the call but it may still be how she feels.

It is difficult because of course you have a right to talk to your mum whenever you want to, but I do think every single day is very excessive. Children are only young for a very short time and your wife may feel like she wants days with just you and your baby; and the video calls make that impossible. It could also be that your wife feels your mum doesn't trust you both very much, and the calls are almost checking up on you all which again would be pretty irritating.

Of course this is all just speculation and I could be way off with how your wife is feeling but i just know that this is how I felt and caused many arguments with my partner.

Knock it on the head

I can only speak for myself, and I get on well with my in-laws and they live 200 miles away, but when they decided to call once a week for a video chat after work for about half an hour, it drove me potty. When you have literally an hour to feed, bath and get a young child to bed, as well as feed yourselves (no time after bedtime, work to do) the absolute last thing you need is two well meaning rather deaf elderly people yelling over a screen at a toddler who's constantly wandering out of shot.

It can be intrusive, however well meant.

@Warsawa31 it’s something to consider. I’m sorry I was probably bit aggressive in my reply. I think I can emphasis with your wife. I’ve seen me reacting to similar very small issues the same way before also regarding mil and dh. Is a 5/10 call “bad” no not really and your mum trying to build contact etx. That to a rational person. I 200% know I’d never be rational about this kind of contact. It would panic me and make me anxious even if I realised deep down it’s not really logical. It’s an intrusion to me and I’d build it up massively in my head to the point where in my circumstances I was genuinely really a very angry with mil (not same situation but similar enough). I’d then “have a go” what dh about it and feel very unsupported. I was also quick to say no to other rational requests and be defensive. I think cutting it down to at most twice week (once preferably) would take a lot of that away from your wife and make her feel more secure in a way.

I suspect if this was the other way round and it was the husband complaining that his wife was video calling with her mum every evening, the results to the vote would be reversed.

It would piss me off if either my mum or my MiL did this daily.

Why on earth does she need to see the baby every day?

If she was calling to see how you were doing or how you were both coping after nnicu, that’s different but face timing to see the baby? That’s weird.

I’d be annoyed too - as others have suggested this feels intrusive and, however well meaning it’s too much.

My mil and I are quite different and while we get along, my husband is very happy to have family around and call all the time whilst I prefer a bit more space.

For me - in case this is similar to your wife perhaps - the space is to allow us time as a family and some comes from a place of anxiety that others are taking over and “pushing in” more than I’m happy with - I want space to find my own way of being a mother and parenting my children and to have a daily call from any member of extended family would feel too much.

I think it’s lovely that your mum has your daughter each week - it’s probably a huge help and also a great opportunity for your baby to get to know her granny however I think she needs to back off and reduce the amount she is calling and give you all space to be your own family unit. I bet you find your wife becomes more relaxed and tolerant of her as a result.

Perhaps be willing to talk and really listen to your wife about how it makes her feel with out judgement as there may be feelings she’s worried or ashamed to admit and your job as her husband is to understand and help her find a way through these so you can all enjoy your family life

Some families have more frequent contact than others & that's fine.
However your Mum was not in frequent contact before as you say in your OP it was a few times a month. Now it has gone to seeing the baby every week & calling most days - that's a huge increase in contact & I am not surprised your wife has not adjusted to it.
Personally I would hate that level of contact, I would find it intrusive as other posters have said they would also. I would resent the notion that someone who couldn't care less about being in touch before is now in my family's face all the time just because there is a baby on the scene. Nothing much changes on a day to day basis, there is nothing to say, nothing to see. Your mother sees the baby every week & I assume you would call her if the child was ill or had reached an exciting milestone between the weekly visits.
It's all too much & if your wife has PND or other health issues it could be the last straw for her, you always disappearing to take these calls at a busy time of day.

It sounds as if your wife has issues , is she depressed or just not very approachable? She does sound as if she likes to keep people at a distance , maybe your mum is baring the brunt of her disfunctional family issues?
Perhaps talk to your mum about limiting the number of calls or taking it in terms to ring her.
Having an interested gramdparent can be lovely for a child’s sense of self. It would be a shame if your child lost out, but equally your wife needs to feel you listen to her.

Your mother is being a caring grandmother, who only takes a bit of your time each day and not calling your wife she is calling you. Sounds like to me your wife might be a bit jealous that her mother isn't showing as much interest. She doesn't mind your mother helping having the baby once a week, she also doesn't holding her hand out for all the gifts.
I'd say your wife is being very unreasonable. X