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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this normal?

110 replies

unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:34

I'm in the middle of organising a funeral and a close member of the family is unable to come to the funeral or visit the funeral home. They have asked for a photograph of the deceased to be taken in the chapel of rest as they are sad about not being able to go to the chapel and say their goodbyes.

Is this a normal request? I don't know whether to agree or not but don't want to be mean.

If it's not normal, should I agree anyway?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 15/02/2020 09:35

Not normal!

Tonz · 15/02/2020 09:36

Nope not normal

StCharlotte · 15/02/2020 09:37

Not. Normal.

Just tell them funeral home wouldn't allow it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/02/2020 09:38

It's perfectly normal to take photos of the deceased. If it's a close family member then I would do it for them.

StCharlotte · 15/02/2020 09:40

And would you want that picture on your phone? And (given they're clearly weird) could they be trusted not to put it on Facebook or Instagram??

And sorry for your loss.

StCharlotte · 15/02/2020 09:42

It's perfectly normal to take photos of the deceased.

In what world?

LonginesPrime · 15/02/2020 09:44

Can you send them the order of service afterwards instead?

TheReluctantCountess · 15/02/2020 09:45

I wouldn’t do it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/02/2020 09:46

In what world?

In this world, it's been happening forever, I have photos of my children after they died, so does just about every bereaved parent I know.

A close family member wants a photo, it wont cost anything or effect anyone, the op can delete it right away, and will maybe bring some comfort to the close relative who cant attend.

What's so different about going to visit your loved one after they have died, and sending a photo to someone who cant see them?

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:46

I know they wouldn't put it on social media, they are a very private person. As for the photo, I would not take it myself and would tell them to contact the funeral director.

OP posts:
jenthelibrarian · 15/02/2020 09:47

This is normal in the USA, or at least it is in some places. A friend of mine there died, I sent a condolence card. In return I received a printed card with a photo of the dead person.
I was quite horrified at the time.

Elphaba17 · 15/02/2020 09:48

It not something I've come across but is it really any different to attending a wake?

TwitcherOfCurtains · 15/02/2020 09:48

It's perfectly normal, I've several photos of long gone family members in their coffins.

Boogbuster · 15/02/2020 09:48

In some cultures it is normal

I guess it depends on how close they were to the deceased and why they can't attend the funeral

I see no harm in sending them a photo, people grieve in their own individual way

swapsicles · 15/02/2020 09:51

I can understand babies if they were born sleeping or soon after as that may be the only photo you can have but after that seems weird and odd. I'd much rather have a picture of them alive and smiling , not dead!

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:52

It's their brother who lives abroad and can't travel due to age.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 15/02/2020 09:52

The Victorians used to do it. With the deceased posed as though still alive. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this request.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 09:53

Normal in Victorian England when children were posed in their best clothes for a photo. The US do a lot of open coffins. I went to an aunt’s funeral with an open coffin where we all gave her a last kiss, little odd as a child 40 years ago!

Victorian death photography (contains pictures of dead people)
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-36389581

dognamedspot · 15/02/2020 09:54

It's fine. If you don't want to do it give their number to the undertaker, I'm sure they would oblige.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2020 09:54

God no. Why don't they have or wish a recent photo of them alive? It could be their grief talking but this isn't right. A photo of the person deceased is not the way to remember them.

I'm really sorry about your loss. But your insincts are right.

I'd just say you'd prefer everyone to remember them alive and can send a recent photo if they wish.

RaininSummer · 15/02/2020 09:55

Pretty strange. I suppose in open casket funerals it's no different to being there but I am not used to that either. I hate the thought of people seeing me dead.

Aridane · 15/02/2020 09:55

As for the photo, I would not take it myself and would tell them to contact the funeral director.

Why - because you disapprove and don’t want them to have a photo?

Aridane · 15/02/2020 09:56

I know they wouldn't put it on social media, they are a very private person

So if it brings them comfort, what is the problem? Why are you refusing?

Aridane · 15/02/2020 09:57

It's their brother who lives abroad and can't travel due to age.

Oh that is so sad that he cannot say goodbye to his brother in his own way

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 15/02/2020 09:57

When it comes to grief I'm not sure there is such a thing as "normal".

I suppose my question would be, who is it hurting? I can understand you not feeling comfortable taking the picture yourself but if the Funeral Director is happy to arrange this and it brings the relative in question some comfort for whatever reason then I don't see the harm.