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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this normal?

110 replies

unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:34

I'm in the middle of organising a funeral and a close member of the family is unable to come to the funeral or visit the funeral home. They have asked for a photograph of the deceased to be taken in the chapel of rest as they are sad about not being able to go to the chapel and say their goodbyes.

Is this a normal request? I don't know whether to agree or not but don't want to be mean.

If it's not normal, should I agree anyway?

OP posts:
theThreeofWeevils · 15/02/2020 16:15

It would be unkind and ungenerous of you to refuse, I think. If you don't feel able to take the picture yourself, which is perfectly understandable, ask the FD to do it (as others have suggested).

OscarWildesCat · 15/02/2020 16:43

No I wouldn't. Can't they have a nice picture of them before they died?, surely that's how they want to remember them?. I could be using my own experience of (thankfully the only time) I've seen a deceased person though (my DMIL) and she was unrecognisable as the person we knew and loved after losing 4 stone in 6 weeks with cancer, my brain has blocked out how she looked for the most part but the thought of having a picture of her looking like that makes me shudder.

jowilkinso · 15/02/2020 16:49

Sorry for your loss. Would the deceased person want a photograph to be taken?

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 16:55

They either wouldn't care or would say 'over my dead body' depending on who asked.

OP posts:
reginafelangee · 15/02/2020 16:59

Not remotely normal to me.

Never heard of this being done in modern times. It feels rather ghoulish.

Sorry for your loss OP.

TheQueensCousin · 15/02/2020 17:03

Normal in parts of the USA.

JRUIN · 15/02/2020 17:03

I took photos of my deceased DM. It's their brother, do it for them. Why wouldn't you?

bloodywhitecat · 15/02/2020 17:07

I've worked in a children's hospice, we often looked after children who had died and I can honestly say there is no 'normal', if a photograph will help the relative left behind I would do it.

LilyJade · 15/02/2020 17:16

My Pakistani friends on FB occasionally share photos of dead young men laid out who are for example soldiers who they call 'shahid' martyred, it seems quite common in their culture to take photos of the dead.
If it comes up on my newsfeed I scroll past quickly as I don't want to see dead people!

I've also got a couple of British female Facebook friends who have shared photos of their stillborn babies. I understand why they do it but again I would prefer it to be kept private.

Finally, I picked up a job lot of antique sepia studio Victorian photos from a vintage shop for a couple of quid, I collect them as I like the costumes & hairstyles.
I was shocked to find that one was a photo of a dead baby!! I really don't know what to do with it. There is actually a rather ghoulish market for them on eBay & the photos of dead people can fetch £££.
But I don't feel right to sell it or to destroy it so I've kept it with the other photos for now.

Re the OP I definitely would not wish to take a picture of the dead relative. It's not right in my mind, despite what other cultures do.
Far better to gather the most up to date photos you have of the relative when alive & to send them.

Pompei36 · 15/02/2020 17:18

Very normal where I’m from, are you not comfortable in taking the pic?

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 17:19

No, I am not comfortable in taking the picture. I am grieving for them myself and I would find it too hard.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/02/2020 17:22

Victorian death photography was popular because cameras weren't something everyone had access too. It would have been an expense not many people could afford, so they didn't take photos of their children or family members often or ever really. After someone died, they would take a picture to remember them and would likely be the only one they had.
There really is no need for it now. If it brings them comfort though, I don't see the harm.

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2020 17:22

Why can so many people not accept that what is their normal isn’t necessarily anyone else’s normal? I find this incomprehension or unwillingness to understand that not everyone thinks or feels like you do very strange. Not to mention judgemental.

shinyredbus · 15/02/2020 17:26

Normal in some Asian cultures. My grandmother died on Tuesday. I’m not there. I have pictures of her. Just because it’s not your culture nor the norm where your from, please don’t call us weird/not normal.

LilyJade · 15/02/2020 17:26

I think what bothers me about photos of dead people is that the essence of life, what makes them human, is gone and you are left with a shell.

When people have just died or been laid out ready to go to the mortuary they don't look too good as the body changes rapidly. So a photo then is not a good idea really. But if a baby is stillborn it may be a little different I'm not sure. I've only seen dead adults.

In the funeral home the body's appearance is the funeral directors attempt (using all kinds of methods I won't go into here) at making them look like themselves again.
I will say that the funeral director was successful in my nans case, her face had an expression I recognised whereas when she'd just died she looked awful & it's an image I wish I could forget.
I still would not have taken a photo though.

couchlover · 15/02/2020 17:35

What would the deceased want? I have been quite clear that I don't want to be seen after death except by my husband and if they want to my children. There is absolutely no way I would want a photo of me dead in existence- what an invasion of privacy.

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 17:37

Sorry for your loss Shiny

OP posts:
Aridane · 15/02/2020 17:48

When people have just died or been laid out ready to go to the mortuary they don't look too good as the body changes rapidly. So a photo then is not a good idea really. But if a baby is stillborn it may be a little different I'm not sure. I've only seen dead adults.

I don’t want to be too graphic about dead or stillborn babies on a parenting website- but it’s not for nothing that photographs may be shot in black and white or photos taken just of the little feet or hands...

Aridane · 15/02/2020 17:48

When people have just died or been laid out ready to go to the mortuary they don't look too good as the body changes rapidly. So a photo then is not a good idea really. But if a baby is stillborn it may be a little different I'm not sure. I've only seen dead adults.

I don’t want to be too graphic about dead or stillborn babies on a parenting website- but it’s not for nothing that photographs may be shot in black and white or photos taken just of the little feet or hands...

L1appelDuVide · 15/02/2020 18:01

Can I just say that as a person that works in a mortuary fairly regularly, the opinion that bodies don’t look good when they spend time there is a myth. The work my colleagues to look after their patients and to present them to their relatives and friends is phenomenal. Even after post mortem, patients can often look a lot better than they did when they were passing away, due to the very careful and considerate work that goes on behind the scenes.

I wouldn’t want anybody to be put off from seeing their relative/friend in the mortuary if they had the opportunity to. Mortuary staff are very experienced in guiding relatives and friends through what to expect.

LilyJade · 15/02/2020 18:53

I was referring to people who have just died & whose body is still on the ward rather than those who are in the mortuary @L1appelDuVide it's good to hear about the work that you do. As a healthcare worker we don't see the person once they have gone to the mortuary.
And as a relative I've only been to a mortuary once.

TowerRavenSeven · 15/02/2020 18:56

It used to be VERY normal when a loved one lived very far and the only way you could get there was ship. But in the year of airline travel, I would say there was no need.

L1appelDuVide · 15/02/2020 18:57

@LilyJade I absolutely recommend asking if you can go and see what happens there, especially if you’re dealing with end of life care. They’ll be used to giving tours for healthcare professionals and it’ll probably help you support your patients relatives Smile

PassAnotherGlass · 15/02/2020 19:01

I’d just send it. I don’t understand why they want it, but it’s their decision. My 15yo once showed me a film that included a picture of a dead person (not staged).

Polly111 · 15/02/2020 19:44

I’m glad you’re getting the funeral director to do it. It might seem an odd request but I know that if someone close to me died I would need to see the body to accept it and if I couldn’t get there a photo would be the next best thing, but I might not even keep the photo once I’d seen it.

A photo of them alive wouldn’t be the same as it wouldn’t be to look back on and remember them it would be to accept that they’re dead so that I could start the grieving process. It might sound daft but without seeing evidence that they’ve died I’d always be thinking that there’s a possibility that they’ve got it wrong and they’re still alive.

I suppose people will have different views on what’s normal but I’m from a background where you bring the body home over night before the funeral.

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