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AIBU?

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Original poster

is this normal?

110 replies

unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:34

I'm in the middle of organising a funeral and a close member of the family is unable to come to the funeral or visit the funeral home. They have asked for a photograph of the deceased to be taken in the chapel of rest as they are sad about not being able to go to the chapel and say their goodbyes.

Is this a normal request? I don't know whether to agree or not but don't want to be mean.

If it's not normal, should I agree anyway?

OP posts:
Gonetoget · 15/02/2020 11:01

I can understand viewing the deceased in their coffin, in terms of getting closure, but sending photos seems off kilter.
Maybe its the facebook culture we live in that makes it feel this way, but I just don't understand why anyone would want a photo of a dead body as a keep sake.

AutumnRose1 · 15/02/2020 11:01

I don't care if it's normal or not

if you are the next of kin and you're not happy with it, don't do it.

Bluesheep8 · 15/02/2020 11:03

The thing about the word 'normal' is that it's entirely subjective. What is normal for one may not be normal for another. For example, during my Irish Catholic upbringing, it was normal for the open coffin to be in the house for days before the funeral. No arrangements had to be made to view the body, it was just 'there' and that was normal. I think we have to respect each others 'normal' especially in times of grief. If someone asked me to do this, because it was what they needed, then I would without hesitation.

Redcherries · 15/02/2020 11:03

I took photos at the funeral for my elderly relative but I asked permission from the generation above me first. I took photos of the flowers after the service and of relatives at the wake, no photos at the service or anything like that. Plus I added photos of the lovely gardens and view. Again it helped her, she felt a deeper connection to the funeral. I also sent the order of service for her.

Bluesheep8 · 15/02/2020 11:07

My condolences on your loss, op Flowers

DowntonCrabby · 15/02/2020 11:09

People grieve, deal with grief and have different ways of coping with bereavement.

Nothing is abnormal.

mouse70 · 15/02/2020 11:13

Although I have not looked at them my brother did take photos of both our Mum and Dad when they died. They are stored electronically.One day I may look at them. Or I may never look at them. Knowing they exist does comfort me. Having said that he was startled on the anniversary of Mum's death (10 years this January) when said photo popped up in his electronic diary. It was very common for memorial photos of dead loved ones to be taken in Victorian years. Not seen as unusual then

JoJothesquirrel · 15/02/2020 11:17

I’d normal in lots of places in Europe. I was thrown I’ll admit when a Dutch family put a picture of the deceased in the coffin on the order of service but taking a picture for the brother is ok. Ask the funeral director to take it and send it if you feel uncomfortable - they will be completely ok with this.
Funeral traditions are extremely varied and what’s normal to you will be wrong to someone else. My friends mum was American and her granny was upset they didn’t have an open casket at the funeral. Neither could see the others point of view but it wasn’t worth getting upset about (no judgement from me, it was a horrible situation).

hoxtonbabe · 15/02/2020 11:25

What bluesheep says. What is normal? What is normal to A may not be to B, there is no right or wrong or normal or abnormal about this.

In my culture this request wouldn’t be seen as anything odd or abnormal. I personally wouldn’t make such a request but if a family member asked me I wouldn’t find it strange.

SterlingViolet · 15/02/2020 11:38

Nothing wrong with taking a photo of a deceased loved one at a funeral.
It's not the same as taking a photo of a gruesome death scene, or anything.

Death is part of life.

I would definitely take, or have someone take, a photo to send to a relative who has requested one, and is unable to attend the service.

My condolences to you. Flowers

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2020 11:53

We (my family) take pictures of a funeral. I took a picture of my Mother in her coffin, just in case my DD ever wanted to see it.

She was still grieving and full of post birth hormones when her GM died and didn't want to start off any nightmares etc.

It can be perfectly normal and in this case totally understandable.

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2020 11:58

"I find the whole open casket thing a bit weird, but that's just me."

When my mother (born 1928) was a child the deceased got laid out in someone's front room, even children and mother's with newborns etc.

The whole neighbourhood would be welcome to visit, even children.

We would be appalled by that now.

katewhinesalot · 15/02/2020 12:15

I feel weird enough taking pictures of the flowers at a funeral. As if it's wrong really. But I've been asked to do it previously when people know they will be too upset to take proper notice of them at the time. It is a good idea but still feels somehow wrong.

bsc · 15/02/2020 12:21

People do seem to be, yes ponoka, but why? My GF was in an open casket, at home, and then at the crematorium. I was pretty young, (7) but had no problem with seeing him. Even at that age I knew the essence of him was gone, and it was just his body. I didn't find it scary or ghoulish. All his friends and family came to say goodbye to him. It was v sad, but it was lovely too, he was very well liked.

Bluesheep8 · 15/02/2020 12:44

*I find the whole open casket thing a bit weird, but that's just me."

When my mother (born 1928) was a child the deceased got laid out in someone's front room, even children and mother's with newborns etc.

The whole neighbourhood would be welcome to visit, even children.

We would be appalled by that now.*

I'm not in the least appalled by that. As I said, open coffin at home with people coming and going is my normal. As most pps are saying, normal is different for everyone.

Aridane · 15/02/2020 12:46

Why not suggest to him that you put a photo of him in the coffin next to his brother so he can say goodbye that way?

Or why not let him say goodbye and grieve in his own way?

Bluesheep8 · 15/02/2020 12:48

And going back to my childhood, the close family of the deceased would spend the night before the funeral in the church with the coffin. That too was normal.

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 13:09

I have contacted the funeral director and they are going to organise it and send a printed photograph to the brother. Thank you for the input.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 15/02/2020 13:13

When it comes to grief I'm not sure there is such a thing as "normal".

^^Absolutely.

Ask the funeral director to do it.

Bluesheep8 · 15/02/2020 15:33

I think that's the right decision op. You've respected his wishes and done it in the way that's right for you.

BogOffJanuary · 15/02/2020 15:38

Is the family member requesting the picture Polish by any chance? We’ve had polish family members request to take pictures of a deceased family member and to video tape the funeral.

85notout · 15/02/2020 15:39

No, British.

85notout · 15/02/2020 15:42

picture which will be nothing like the person you loved.

Love. Not loved.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 15:53

@Ponoka7 Many deceased people are still laid out in their homes and people come from far and wide to sympathise with the family. I'm in Ireland and from a very young age I wouldn't have been brought to funerals. Generally if someone is laid out in their home they could be there for 2 nights and people (relatives, neighbours, friends) would take turns to sit up with the body overnight. There is nothing odd about that here anyway - certainly nothing to be appalled about.

Drum2018 · 15/02/2020 15:56

I'm in Ireland and from a very young age I wouldn't have been brought to funerals.

That should read 'I would have been brought to funerals