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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this normal?

110 replies

unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:34

I'm in the middle of organising a funeral and a close member of the family is unable to come to the funeral or visit the funeral home. They have asked for a photograph of the deceased to be taken in the chapel of rest as they are sad about not being able to go to the chapel and say their goodbyes.

Is this a normal request? I don't know whether to agree or not but don't want to be mean.

If it's not normal, should I agree anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 09:59

Why - because you disapprove and don’t want them to have a photo?

No, because I don't think I'd do a good photo because I am also grieving and would find it hard to do. I also want my time in the chapel of rest with them to be peaceful and to say my goodbyes and not be trying to take a photo when there is only one chance to get it right.

if it brings them comfort, what is the problem? Why are you refusing?

I haven't replied either way. I can't decide what is the right thing to do. I have a lot on my mind right now and it's hard to work out what I should do.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/02/2020 09:59

My sister manages a funeral home and she'll tell you there's no such thing as 'normal'.

As for the photo, I would not take it myself and would tell them to contact the funeral director.

Then I don't understand why you've started this thread? Just given them the funeral home number and it's out of your hands.

WorraLiberty · 15/02/2020 09:59

*give

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/02/2020 10:00

How difficult is it to grant someone this request even if you think its odd. As long as it is not illegal would it really hurt you to accommodate the relative.

Original poster
unusualornormal · 15/02/2020 10:00

Then I don't understand why you've started this thread? Just given them the funeral home number and it's out of your hands.

Because I want to do the right thing and they have specifically asked me. They know which funeral home it is and they could have contacted them directly. I think they want me to agree.

OP posts:
DontCallMeShitley · 15/02/2020 10:01

Google Memento Mori. You will find it used to be the done thing many years ago to take photos of the deceased. Be aware there will be photos of dead people, often children, and frequently posed with siblings and family. Victorians did this as they couldn't afford photography so kept it for such occasions as a reminder of their loved ones.

Some cultures consider it normal and there are also more recent photos online, just be aware of what you might see if you look and it will concern you.

Personally I wouldn't want to take a photo, have no issue with seeing photos of people I don't know but would want to see anyone I knew in life, or take a photo of them. Far better to ask the undertaker or maybe a photographer.

Trahira · 15/02/2020 10:01

It sounds like it would bring them comfort, so why does it matter if it's normal or not?

MrsJoshNavidi · 15/02/2020 10:04

You could get them a death mask made like the Victorian's used to do.

Redcherries · 15/02/2020 10:06

I would do it.

I’ve recently had to support an elderly relative through the loss of a sibling, who is also too old to travel and lives abroad. In her case she wanted something she could hold in her palm and that had been his. I took her his posh lighter and it made so much difference to her mental health. Her suffering was awful and this small thing helped her immensely. If you can do this it could mean so much more to him than you realise, even though I appreciate it is an unusual one.

Sorry for your loss.

Mummyshark2018 · 15/02/2020 10:07

I don't it's typical as most people who can make a funeral and say their goodbyes do, but in your case if a close family member has asked for it I would do it or if you can't then ask someone else to do it. I do know several people who have taken photos of deceased babies and they treasure these photos.

Wilmalovescake · 15/02/2020 10:10

Goodness.
Would the person (your Dad?) have minded do you think? I hate the thought of people taking photos of my dead body.

If you think they wouldn’t have minded then I guess I’d probably just say it was ok by me but that I didn’t want to do it myself and tell the brother to contact the FD directly.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I do think photos of babies are different as it’s the only chance you get to take their photo and preserve their physical memory in that way.

Sorry for everyone who has experience of this x

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2020 10:17

Can you send them the order of service afterwards instead?

This - there is almost always a photo of the deceased on the order of service - and it's one of them as you knew and loved them.

Much pleasanter than a waxy corpse picture which will be nothing like the person you loved.

L1appelDuVide · 15/02/2020 10:20

It’s a reasonable request. Nothing is ‘normal’ when it comes to losing someone and grief.

I would have the funeral director take a photo and put it in a cardboard frame for you to post rather than take one for yourself and send it. They’ve probably done this plenty of times before.

KnifeAngel · 15/02/2020 10:22

I took one of my Nan for another family member. They were unable to go to the chapel of rest or the funeral.

L1appelDuVide · 15/02/2020 10:22

FWIW I think they’ve done the right thing by contacting you first. If they’d gone straight to the funeral directors and asked behind your back, it could’ve caused you a fair amount of hurt to then later discover here’s a photo out there you didn’t know about.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 15/02/2020 10:26

This relative is too old to travel for the funeral, so may not live long themselves. This could be the last contact you have with them. Ask someone else to take the picture by all means, but don't deny them this one last thing. I would also send a small personal item to them if possible.

It may have been very hard for them to ask this of you. This is what they feel will be comforting to them, or help them to accept and process the loss of their sibling. Let them have that.

WhenOneDoorClosesAnotherOpens · 15/02/2020 10:29

I would be uncomfortable with this as well OP. Not only taking the photo when you're grieving but knowing there was a photo of your father? out there floating around. When the brother dies what happens to the photo then? Personally I wouldn't want anyone taking a photo of my dead body, but I guess everyone is different. Maybe put it to the brother, 'Sorry, but I'm uncomfortable with your request. I'm not sure X would have liked the idea of a photo.'

Ydl22 · 15/02/2020 10:34

In my culture it’s completely normal to take pictures of the deceased. It’s not something I’ve ever done, but I know lots of people who do. My df has a picture of my grandad from when his body came home.

If you feel uncomfortable doing it, ask someone else to and send it on. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to request this. It was his brother, he is grieving in his own way.

katewhinesalot · 15/02/2020 10:39

Tell him to sort it out himself with the funeral home. Give them permission to do so.

Notnownotneverever · 15/02/2020 10:43

I would base my decision on what I thought the deceased person would want. And make the best decision I could. If you feel the person would just keep the photo private and for themselves then I can’t see any harm. I might go down the route of making it a hard copy photo and posting it rather than sending a digital copy which are easier to share but they could always scan it if they felt like it anyway.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/02/2020 10:47

Before photos of the dead there were evidently paintings. In the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam last year I saw a painting of a very obviously dead baby in its cradle.

Such a very sad and poignant sight. I dare say that in pre-photography days it was the only likeness the parents were ever going to have.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2020 10:52

How sad he cannot get to say good bye. Personally I think it’s such a little thing to give to a grieving sibling. The only reason I could think why my abusive brother would want a photograph of me would be to make sure I’m dead. At least you know how much your father was loved... and not just by you.

Interestedwoman · 15/02/2020 10:52

I find the whole open casket thing a bit weird, but that's just me.

I don't see any harm in them having a pic, if that's what they want.

Thinkingabout1t · 15/02/2020 10:54

It doesn’t sound weird to me. i would do it (or ask funeral director to) for a relative, though not something i would want for myself. I’ve often been asked to send photos from the funeral and wake, to show the people there and the flowers to those who couldn’t attend.

Catsandchardonnay · 15/02/2020 10:55

Why not suggest to him that you put a photo of him in the coffin next to his brother so he can say goodbye that way?

My uncle couldn’t come to my dad’s funeral and asked whether we had taken any photos. Umm, no.