To think DH is being ridiculous (and unrealistic, and insane)

[WhatTheCherry]

Quick background: looking to buy our first house, 3 DC (2 are his from previous relationship and stay 3 nights a week), pregnant at the moment. DH owns a business which is extremely busy and I work 9-5.

DH wants to buy a house we've seen which is cheap but is essentially a shell. It is completely gutted and on further inspection needs quite a lot of work. No central heating, wood worm in floors so they all need ripping up and replacing, possible issue with roof which we are waiting for surveyor to comment on, needs insulation work. Needs complete cosmetic overhaul as is essentially just floorboards and hanging off wallpaper in every room at the moment. It's a dump basically.

His reasonings for wanting to do it is firstly he can do quite a lot of the work himself and secondly, the houses once done, go for an alright amount in that area.

My reasons for not wanting to do it are:

1. We wouldn't be able to afford to rent and live somewhere else until it was done so we'd be living in a building site with youngish kids and I'd be pregnant so very possibly a newborn as well by then.

1. H works all the hours god sends in his extremely busy business. He has worked 6 sometimes 7 day weeks for the past year at least, leaving at 6 in the morning and not getting home until 6/7. He says he'll take 2-3 weeks off to just power through a lot of the bigger things but I know he won't. He stressed about taking a week off at Christmas he's so busy.

1. We wouldn't have tonnes of money to just throw at it straight away as most of the savings would be eaten up buying it and so my worry is that we'll have to live in a shit tip for months and months whilst we get the funds together again to make it at least slightly nicely livable.

He thinks I just don't want to get stuck in and do any hard work and don't have the 'vision'... I think he's unrealistic about how difficult it will be at this stage in our lives and we should buy something at least mostly done and then put our own stamp on it over the next few years. It would be different if it were just us two but with the kids I think it's unfair.

AIBU to think he's insane?

No.

Just no.

You can simply disagree on this one - you don't even need to justify yourself. It's your money, your home, your future too.

With the hours he’s working and the fact that you’re pregnant I’d say he’s being daft. I’d tell him that you’ve no intentions of bringing up a newborn on a building site

Don’t do it. We did something similar 2 years ago. Still waiting for it to be done :(

I’ve done it, pregnant, new house (needed gutted) small baby plus older kids in the building site, husband working on hours not at work on the house etc etc. It only worked because we were both equally sure it was the right decision long term. Was still really really really hard though.

It is doable, even with the children and newborn but you need to both agree it’s what you want and are prepared to go through.

'He thinks I just don't want to get stuck in and do any hard work...' while you're working, looking after 2 kids and pregnant?

Excuse me while I run after my eyeballs. 👀

I've spent the last 5 or 6 months having an extension with new kitchen, firstly when very pregnant then with a baby. U wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I was so relieved the baby decided to turn up one of the days that there were no builders here. Wasn't sure how that was going to go otherwise

It depends if you can afford anything better which is already done up. If you can then I wouldn't bother. If not and this is a good chance to get something at a good price it might be fine particularly if you could get one room livable quickly and he undertakes to block off in his diary the time it will take. We used almost to fight to spend time painting a buy to let flat whilst the other person was lumbered with our screaming baby, 1 and 3 year old. Those hours just painting in the silence were lovely compared with the 3 gorgeous close in age tiny ones. However in your case you have the soon to be 3 children all at home so having to do DIY whilst they are around the place too.

No, it's a crazy idea. We did something similar years ago with one small dc and it was nightmarish. You can get carried away so easily with this sort of thing. Even last year, DH and I were seriously discussing camping out in the garage of a house we would be doing up. Fortunately we gave each other's head a good wobble at that point and we look back and laugh now about how crazy that would have been.

First time I've seen 100% yanbu! 😂

It's a no from me.🤦

We could afford something mostly done (just cosmetic things to our taste needing doing for example), this is quite a bit of actual structural work so not just painting that needs doing. If it just needed decorating I wouldn't be hesitant. But the fact it needs things like the floors ripping up (in every room), possible roofing issues, central heating putting in, insulation (it's bloody freezing in there), the bathroom is bloody awful, I'm not usually a snob but I don't think I could shower in there the way it is at the moment. There's not even one room at the moment that is livable (to an alright standard anyway) and in my mind it would be the kids rooms as well as our own we'd need to get done asap not just one and I just don't believe he has the time, he says he does but I know otherwise from the way he is day in day out.

I said to him when he said I just didn't want to do hard work, what was he expecting? Me on my hands and knees 8 months pregnant pulling the floors up? I just think this is not the right time in our lives to take on such a consuming project. His business is already all consuming, adding this to the mix and a new baby is a recipe for disaster imo.

I would only agree on the conditions that a) you had enough savings ringfenced for the renovation alone (this means not included in purchase price) before you agreed to purchase. That money would have to be in situ before I would even think of agreeing to it.

And b) that he fully committed to taking minimum one month off work to work solely on the renovation and get it absolutely as close to finished as possible (I would be very specific about what needed to be completed before I moved in) during which time you would remain living in your rented house.

If he couldn’t guarantee any of that, and or you can’t afford that, then it’s a non starter.

But I do feel bad because I know he loves this kind of thing, getting his hands dirty, creating etc... But this time I think for my sake and more importantly the kids, I need to say no.

^^ second one in a row today and I've never seen it before either.

We had to do some minor work to our house while I was 9 months pregnant and that was bad enough. If he's so unsympathetic about how hard pregnancy/baby care is, perhaps he's the one who doesn't want to get stuck in/do hard work looking after his new child that's on the way!

Juan, definitely a non starter. We would have to live in it as it was ongoing. Rent is too expensive here to do both (for us anyway). He's suggested living at my dad's but with 3 kids and one spare room I think that's just as ridiculous an idea as the house.

And as for b) there is no way he'd be able to take that amount of time off. I would bet my life on it. And the business would suffer for it which needs to be a priority over this project considering its our main source of income.

I love a bit of renovation and am normally of your husbands view, but one thing is absolutely clear - it is FINE for you not to want to do extra work. Or work hard on a house. Or live in a shit tip with a baby. That is in itself a perfectly valid view. That is why people do pay a premium to live in a perfectly done up house - they don’t want to deal with the crap, which is fine!

Also the last time we did it, which is just being finished, I cried so much it was so awful with small kids.

It is YOU who will be in this building full time with a new born while on mat leave. He’ll be out most of the time. Find a house you want to be in.

It’s not like you’re even vaguely saying ‘and eventually when done it will be our dream house’!

Don’t do it. The stress will be too much and you’ll really resent him for pressuring you into that situation. X

Putting aside family responsibilities for a second - unless you have ringfenced savings, as a PP suggested, it's not even possible. No amount of gusto and vision will get you free materials or free specialisms (he might might handy with a hammer, but I'm assuming he's not also an electrician and a plumber and a roofer and a cabinet fitter etc etc....)

Banks are much tighter at lending than they used to be. Affordability is a big factor with mortgages and a lender won't want you to be banking on getting loans to cover the cost of renovations. You'd need a big lump of capital before you started. If you can't afford to rent separately and pay a mortgage I'm guessing you don't have that to start with (few people would, that's why they don't buy to renovate!)

Well then flat no. I’m not sure how he thinks he can even do it. He doesn’t have the time or money. Has he even sat down and written down the costs and time requirements?

Also... Have you done a detailed costing on this huge renovation??

I posted elsewhere... Saw 2 houses in a terrace 3 doors apart... One 280k the other 300k....the 280k needed everything..
There was NO kitchen... I don't mean a kitchen in orange pine we'd have to live with... No sink /cooker /cupboards (my guess people split up midway thru renovations...).. All the outside windows needed sanding down and repainting immediately... And there were floors needing repairing /and some damp work and everything needed proper decorating....

I don't think if we did it ourselces it would come on much less tha.the 20k difference... It would take ALL our spare time and mo ey for months.... Why would we do tbiat.... When we could avoid all the work and move in a few doors down!

Cross posted with juanset!

Don’t do it. We bought a doer upper 18 months ago, my DH also was full of promises. Some of them have materialised, some haven’t. It has been an upheaval and isn’t even finished yet. We didn’t have issues like wood worm but did have an old back boiler so needed that replacing, it didn’t have a bath in the family bathroom so needed that replacing and it completing needed modernising. It’s been a real journey, shall we say...

You’ll end up on DIY SOS.

*I would only agree on the conditions that a) you had enough savings ringfenced for the renovation alone (this means not included in purchase price) before you agreed to purchase. That money would have to be in situ before I would even think of agreeing to it.

And b) that he fully committed to taking minimum one month off work to work solely on the renovation and get it absolutely as close to finished as possible (I would be very specific about what needed to be completed before I moved in) during which time you would remain living in your rented house.

If he couldn’t guarantee any of that, and or you can’t afford that, then it’s a non starter.*

This or that a lump sum is put to one side to get people in to do key areas ASAP; bathroom, kitchen and a key living area.

Living in a building site for the majority of my first pregnancy was hell. Then emcs meant a long period of recovery. I wasn't very well for a long time due to other reasons too. And that was my first child!