To think DH is being ridiculous (and unrealistic, and insane)

[WhatTheCherry]

Quick background: looking to buy our first house, 3 DC (2 are his from previous relationship and stay 3 nights a week), pregnant at the moment. DH owns a business which is extremely busy and I work 9-5.

DH wants to buy a house we've seen which is cheap but is essentially a shell. It is completely gutted and on further inspection needs quite a lot of work. No central heating, wood worm in floors so they all need ripping up and replacing, possible issue with roof which we are waiting for surveyor to comment on, needs insulation work. Needs complete cosmetic overhaul as is essentially just floorboards and hanging off wallpaper in every room at the moment. It's a dump basically.

His reasonings for wanting to do it is firstly he can do quite a lot of the work himself and secondly, the houses once done, go for an alright amount in that area.

My reasons for not wanting to do it are:

1. We wouldn't be able to afford to rent and live somewhere else until it was done so we'd be living in a building site with youngish kids and I'd be pregnant so very possibly a newborn as well by then.

1. H works all the hours god sends in his extremely busy business. He has worked 6 sometimes 7 day weeks for the past year at least, leaving at 6 in the morning and not getting home until 6/7. He says he'll take 2-3 weeks off to just power through a lot of the bigger things but I know he won't. He stressed about taking a week off at Christmas he's so busy.

1. We wouldn't have tonnes of money to just throw at it straight away as most of the savings would be eaten up buying it and so my worry is that we'll have to live in a shit tip for months and months whilst we get the funds together again to make it at least slightly nicely livable.

He thinks I just don't want to get stuck in and do any hard work and don't have the 'vision'... I think he's unrealistic about how difficult it will be at this stage in our lives and we should buy something at least mostly done and then put our own stamp on it over the next few years. It would be different if it were just us two but with the kids I think it's unfair.

AIBU to think he's insane?

Six months of a building site, with one doing GCSEs one A levels, never again, washing up in a bath, microwave and deep fat fryer, rained every day that summer so no bbq. It nearly broke us. I could never do it again and live there.

I still get panic attacks thinking about a decorator coming in to do the hall stairs and landing in our new house 3 years in I am still procrastinating.

He’s been watching too many property programmes on telly.

Good grief, I wouldn’t do that if it was just the two of us - having an extension done all across the back was bad enough.

We bought a fixer-upper. It needed a third of the roof replacing, new boiler, re-wiring, wallpaper stripping out of every room, replastering and painting, new flooring throughout, new conservatory roof, two new bathrooms, a kitchen renovation (we managed to reuse some of the units so saved a bit there), every single inch of exterior woodwork painting and most of the windows needed to be replaced. We also had to live in it from day one as we couldn't afford to rent elsewhere until it was done.

2.5 years in, we've done everything bar a few windows - which we are saving up to have replaced. It has been hard work and expensive, despite the fact that we did a lot of the work ourselves. The difference is that we knew what we were buying and were in agreement - plus I wasn't pregnant at the time and I don't have DC to worry about!

I love the house now, but even though it looks great and we managed to get done within budget I wouldn't take on a project like this again and live in it.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I feel anxious just reading your OP.

We’re contemplating doing exactly this, I’ve just fallen in love with a wreck with massive potential. But:

We’re recently retired
We have enough money to do it all in one go and pay professionals
It’s our “leave in a box” home
We can afford to rent while it’s being done

In your situation I wouldn’t even contemplate it. Just no.

Dh and I have renovated a previous house with very young children to care for. Basically every Saturday was a work day and then Sunday was a day of rest.

But there was no structural issues with the house, all cosmetic stuff and we shared the renovation so I wasn't stuck every Saturday on childcare duty. And I wasn't pregnant for most of it although I did gut a bathroom at 8 months pregnant which is why there are lovely cute photos of Ds2 being bathed in the kitchen sink

In your situation, absolutely not the right house for you. Wanting to do something like this and the reality of it are two very different things.

We have had building works since at this house and the builder's dust alone gets everywhere. We were without a kitchen, but could bbq and use an inducion hob outside and both my children were in school. I wouldn't want to live in that chaos with a newborn.

I’m wondering if his self employment status is making it hard for him to secure a larger mortgage which would be sufficient for you to buy a better house? Is the business income steady or a bit up and down? What’s the situation with your income OP?

and eventually when done it will be our dream house

No. I don't even love the house that much. Don't get me wrong I'm sure it could be beautiful when done and its not in a bad location but it's certainly not going to be a dream house or anything.

Don’t do it! Renovations always take far more time and money than you think. A new baby is enough to be getting on with without the added pressure of a shell of a house!

The mortgage isn't a problem, we have already been to a broker and had AIPs from most lenders. His business has been growing steadily for a number of years now so it's not that I'm worried about.

I had DC1 age 2 and was pregnant when we demolished our house and had it completely rebuilt. We had good builders, very detailed plans and a fixed price contract and were able to live in rented accommodation. Even with all the upfront planning and money to throw at it there were many stressful moments like when we fell out with builders who decided they didn’t want to stick to the contract, and storms flooding the site. It is our forever home designed exactly as we wanted it. I still get excited every time I drive up to the house. It was extremely tough, but absolutely worth it. So as others have said if you can come up with a clear plan with costs, timeframe, design etc and it seems feasible than do it. If not, then of course no. If it’s his dream he has to find the time to do the work in a reasonable timeframe.

If you don’t have the time and you don’t have the money then it’s a non-starter. Why would he even consider puting you all through this?

We could definitely afford something better. Not perfect but decent enough to at least live in comfortably whilst doing bits to it. I don't understand why he's so dead set on doing this when there's houses up the road for 20k more that are perfectly livable but need sprucing up still. You can still put your stamp on it, just don't have to buy a building site imo!

Hell to the no.

there's houses up the road for 20k more that are perfectly livable but need sprucing up still.

well then he's an idiot. The work you describe is worth it if you're going to save £100k, not £20k

His judgement is screwed, don't give in.

"Vision"

Bless.

Fuck no.

You'd be the one stuck there day in day out, trying to stop the kids from killing themselves, cold and surrounded by crap.

YANBU.

You both have to agree, and WANT the house ( any house).

Any partner pushing the other to do it being controlling.

My DW keeps pushing, dropping hints and constantly sending me links to houses we can’t afford and don’t need ( we have a 3 bed detached for gods sake).

I pay 85% of the mortgage costs so I’m sure she wants me to pay 85% of the next mortgage too.

Acquaintance spent 7 YEARS working full time and living in a caravan with 4 kids while her DH faffed around renovating an admittedly stunning wreck. Three months after she divorced him in despair, he finished the house, moved a younger woman in and started a second family.

First wife had all the shit and never slept a night in the house.

Bad, bad, bad idea. Don't sign anything. Make him do a costed and timed spreadsheet, including loss of earnings for time taken from the business. Have him build in where he expects you to be the labourer/tradie.

Why didn't she get half the house Granny? Did he buy her out?

The only way this would be feasible with your dc and your pregnancy is if he would be prepared to take 2 months off work to do the roof, floors, heating, wiring(?) first before you move in.
Ridiculous to even think you (as a family) can live in the house whilst those things are done.

If it is only £20K you would be saving for buying a building site then it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

I’ve lived through this whilst pregnant and with small kids and wouldn’t do it again if you paid me a million pounds. I was bone tired because everything took three times longer. For instance if I wanted to give the small kids a bath on the weeks the water and boiler weren’t working ,I had to either take them a 40 min one way drive to a friend’s house or boil cold water on camping stoves and open fires but also some how heat their clothes and beds so they weren’t immediately freezing after getting out of the bath.

He is being ridiculous, unrealistic and insane! It's another NO from me OP. Stick to your guns. Or let him live there with his kids while you go to your Dads!

For your FIRST house?

Unless his business is construction-related, no, run a mile.

You need a house with some minor DIY that needs doing, so you can see whether your family has the skills and follow-through, not somewhere that needs licensed professionals to do a ton of the work.

I would bet a thousand pounds that if you do this, you will no longer be together five years down the line because it will be shit/unachievable, you’ll be unhappy and he will defensively find ways to blame you.