To think DH is being ridiculous (and unrealistic, and insane)

[WhatTheCherry]

Quick background: looking to buy our first house, 3 DC (2 are his from previous relationship and stay 3 nights a week), pregnant at the moment. DH owns a business which is extremely busy and I work 9-5.

DH wants to buy a house we've seen which is cheap but is essentially a shell. It is completely gutted and on further inspection needs quite a lot of work. No central heating, wood worm in floors so they all need ripping up and replacing, possible issue with roof which we are waiting for surveyor to comment on, needs insulation work. Needs complete cosmetic overhaul as is essentially just floorboards and hanging off wallpaper in every room at the moment. It's a dump basically.

His reasonings for wanting to do it is firstly he can do quite a lot of the work himself and secondly, the houses once done, go for an alright amount in that area.

My reasons for not wanting to do it are:

1. We wouldn't be able to afford to rent and live somewhere else until it was done so we'd be living in a building site with youngish kids and I'd be pregnant so very possibly a newborn as well by then.

1. H works all the hours god sends in his extremely busy business. He has worked 6 sometimes 7 day weeks for the past year at least, leaving at 6 in the morning and not getting home until 6/7. He says he'll take 2-3 weeks off to just power through a lot of the bigger things but I know he won't. He stressed about taking a week off at Christmas he's so busy.

1. We wouldn't have tonnes of money to just throw at it straight away as most of the savings would be eaten up buying it and so my worry is that we'll have to live in a shit tip for months and months whilst we get the funds together again to make it at least slightly nicely livable.

He thinks I just don't want to get stuck in and do any hard work and don't have the 'vision'... I think he's unrealistic about how difficult it will be at this stage in our lives and we should buy something at least mostly done and then put our own stamp on it over the next few years. It would be different if it were just us two but with the kids I think it's unfair.

AIBU to think he's insane?

Sounds like madness with the hours he works and you being pregnant. We did it many years ago but my husband had alot of brothers, one a carpenter, one an electrician and all 6 of them trained in painting and decorating as that was their dad's business so all worked for him as teenagers. They took a week off work and it was almost done by the end of the week. The downside was obviously he then had to help them when it was their turn but that was fair enough.

Relying on your husband who is working so many hours it would take forever.

No way. Part of my work is renovation and no way would I live in one that needed that amount of work doing. And if there are houses that only need cosmetic work at 20k more you would be spending over the ceiling price. And anything involving co ordination of workmen double the timescale.

Is it even safe for children to live in at present? How old are the older two dc?

My DW keeps pushing, dropping hints and constantly sending me links to houses we can’t afford and don’t need ( we have a 3 bed detached for gods sake).

Tell her to send links when she has the money!

Tell him you have a vision of this destroying your marriage, and that he is being hard work, and which of the 20k-more houses would be like to view first?

He’s been watching too many episodes of Homes under the hammer where they claim to do a house up for a budget of £3.50 in 4 weeks. A lot of people have no idea of the true cost of a proper renovation (and imo HUTH show renovations generally of a very low end standard) they think they have the capabilities and budget because they watch these misleading programmes. As for him taking a few weeks off to get the house liveable, that is laughable, it won’t even touch the sides of what you have described, he won’t be able to fit boilers, re wire, plaster and put a new roof and from what you have said you don’t have the money anyway. For a man who runs his own business he does not sound very savvy.

Is the mum be prepared for his DC to stay in a unfinished, potentially cold house 3 nights a week? I wouldn't be too happy about that.

Not too sure what the health visitor might say when they come to visit you in the cold, shell of a house? Are they going to be happy that you intend bringing a newborn baby home? Not quite sure what the situation would have to be like but potentially could they get social services involved?

He deserves slapping around (metaphorically, of course) for the comment about you not wanting to do hard work alone. I very much doubt that he has any concept what bloody hard work a newborn is - and looking after a newborn in a shit tip doubles that.

We moved into a house that needed to be completely redone when DS was three months old. The difference was that we paid a builder to do virtually everything so it was reasonably quick, and I could move out with DS to may parents at times when they had the water or electrics turned off etc. It was still no fun, because a lot of the time DS and I were camping out in one room whilst the others were done up, it was dusty, and I was having to cook on the ancient cooker and handwash everything in the meantime.

Tell him from the voice of experience here that this is totally non-viable.

It would be a hard no from me. As a former refurb surveyor I can tell you from bitter experience that there will be more problems than you know about, it will take longer and be more costly. That is how refurbs work.

Also if there are nearly liveable houses in the vicinity for only 20K more then it doesn't make financial sense to do the already extensive work to this one.

Furthermore I think his attitude stinks, he wants his own way and is willing to needle his partner by suggesting she is somehow lazy to not want to do refurb work to a house whilst also working full time and being pregnant. It might not be a red flag, but it looks to be a shade of pink from here.

It just doesn’t sound like he’s putting your needs or his children’s needs first and I’d be saying as much to him directly.

I think it’s really concerning, the idea of a man putting any pressure at all on his partner to cope with additional stress like this immediately post-birth - just to prove she’s not afraid of hard work

Not too sure what the health visitor might say when they come to visit you in the cold, shell of a house?

Given that they visit new mums in b&bs and caravans, that really isn’t an issue. It’s still a crazy idea, though.

Me and my DP are about to embark on a project . We have a 9 month old DS. Admittedly the house is perfectly liveable in...we just don't like the way it's been done so will be ripping up flooring, knocking through walls, replacing the kitchen etc. However we can do it over time as the house itself is fine and it will be amazing once it's done. We are also self employed and often have a lot of time off plus have lots of family close by to help with childcare. I am slightly apprehensive but I do think it makes a difference that it's not a freezing cold shell and we'll have time to dedicate to it!

I’m an architect, a residential property developer and a mother with young children. You need to tell him that hell would have to freeze over before you would even consider this. I cringe every time I hear people going about these kind of major projects on a DIY basis. You’ll end up living on a building site for years, throwing money at materials and making a fist of it then throwing even more money at it getting professionals to re-do it. It won’t ever be your dream home because you’ll have had a divorce before it’s ever finished!

The red flag to me is that he's offering to take 2-3 weeks of work to do this - 2-3 weeks!!! You can't renovate a house in 2-3 weeks without a significant team. He's living in cloud cuckoo land. You would be out of your mind if you agreed to this. Hold firm!

Absolutely not. If you realistically thought he'd be able to take time off, then ok. But he's already stressing about Christmas? This will be a MASSIVE strain. You will be at home with small kids in a building site with no heating and he'll be out of the house working all hours. You'll resent the crap out of him and he'll feel incredibly pressured. Don't do it. Find something that needs a little work instead.

YANBU. It'd be bad enough if you weren't preg- basically living in a squat. And as you're preg, it's a piss take. xxx

2-3 weeks isnt even going to touch te surface you (and clearly mainly you) would be living in it for years

Stop feeling like you are destroying his dreams and tell him the truth it is an unworkable and unfeasible idea and he needs to gorw up be realistic and put the needs of his growing family ahead of his fantasy

Has he done anything similar before? Is he knowledgeable and well connected in the trades? If not, then no. Even if you are well connected with tradesmen and knowledgable yourselves it’ll still be very uncomfortable to live in project while pregnant. What you’re describing sounds like a pipe dream. My DH is an architect and structural engineer, our business partner is a builder, my brother is a plumber and my cousin an electrician. So I speak from experience. Unless you can live elsewhere, don’t even consider it.

He thinks I just don't want to get stuck in and do any hard work

You are already doing a lot of hard work from when he last got "stuck in".

Sorry to be crude, but his "vision" is totally unrealistic. You can't be ripping up floors when you can't even touch the bloody floor!

I remember when I was pregnant with DD. All toddler DS toys all over the floor, getting down to pick up all those little pieces, it was hell. He is not factoring in how difficult it is going to be for you.

Not to mention when baby does arrive, all those cluster feeds. Taking care of the others at the same time. You won't have the time to do any work on the house. When baby starts crawling, will the floor be done by then?

Soooooo many things he hasn't factored in. I would make a list and present him with it.

Good luck OP. Hope he comes round.

As a former refurb surveyor I can tell you from bitter experience that there will be more problems than you know about, it will take longer and be more costly.

This is really true. We knew the boiler was old but didn't bank on having to replace it within the first month. We knew the roof needed patching but didn't know that a third had to be completely replaced - again within the first few months because it was leaking quite badly. Both of those things sucked up 7 grand that we hadn't expected to have to spend in those areas straight away.

The only reason we came in on our budget was because we did so much of the other work ourselves. But it was hard, stressful and I wouldn't do it again.

Do not underestimate how much work a newborn will be. I would not buy a major remodel with young kids. I’d rather be in a flat for a few more years.

I think you get the final say as he'll be at work and it's you who'll be stuck in with a newborn. Not to mention that baby will become mobile and how the hell will you be able to baby proof?

We bought a run down house. It was completely liveable but with lots of issues. We have probably spent £20k on it (new bathroom, new kitchen, lots of plumbing work, some electric). We have redecorated almost the whole place. It took over a year to do the bulk of this and DH is part time so did lots on his days home with the children. I don't even want to imagine how costs would spiral in a shell of a property.

Nope! Did that and got the badge. Newborn at reflux and it was utter hell. It would be an absolutely not from me. Set yourself up to be able to really enjoy this baby.

Also there is nothing that exciting about doing real structural work, floorboards, electrics etc. The more fun bit is the decorating! (And possibly moving walls etc to get the space you want, but you can still do that in a house that is habitable).