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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2020 19:32

Oh op. He is a liar. A total liar who has no respect for you at all.

He is taking money you need for your children.

You are choosing to spend money you do not have on this man, rather than your children.

He is making promises to your children and then letting them down. Holiday, pizza... this is cruel.

How did he get to your house tonight? You should not allow a man who is cruel to you and your children to stay in your house. Tell him not to come back. Take his daughter with him and go.

Cantuccit · 14/02/2020 19:34

I don't think OP's going to answer. Not saying you should break it off today, but even to respond to say what you're thinking, good or bad, would be helpful, OP.

gamerchick · 14/02/2020 19:36

Send him and his daughter home. He's a cheeky git bringing her round for you to feed. He promised your kids pizza and disappointed them.

Send him home and no fucking lift then tell him you don't want to see him again.

creaturcomforts · 14/02/2020 19:39

Op, it sounds familiar... ex husband never paid his share when we would get together with my family. Who brought it up when we split. There's always an excuse, his was that his family always paid for him and so suggesting my family where tight!! And he forgot to offer, my mum insisted once and he was annoyed.

If he's tight like this he won't respect you in other areas of your relationship as he doesn't care about your situation at all. You've said you mentioned it and he showed no interest, he doesn't care about you or kids but is happy to offer things that never materialised to keep you on.

He will not get any better, and he sounds lazy reading between the lines.

simplekindoflife · 14/02/2020 19:42

Hang on, he's got money for cigarettes but not the kids dinner??

And he's lied about the holiday and he hasn't given you the money for your kids xmas presents?! And he hasn't helped with your ds's birthday like he promised eiither?!

I was in the "possibly a bit flakey/forgetful camp" at first but I'm firmly in the "billy bulshitter tightarse or shit with money camp" now!

He's not only going to continue to let you down in the future, he's going to let your kids down...

Straight-talking discussion needed with him I think.

Sorry OP Thanks

Iwannatellyouastory · 14/02/2020 19:43

He’ll borrow money from his dad to get cigs but not for food for his own DD? Never mind you and your kids, he won’t even prioritise feeding his own child over what he wants.

CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2020 19:44

Without any other issues op, if you are struggling for money, attaching yourself to a tight smoker is a really bad decision.

Whynosnowyet · 14/02/2020 19:45

Op you deserve so much more.

Supersimkin2 · 14/02/2020 19:47

I dont want him to think I'm just after his money.

Because strangely, that's an issue he's made silently clear....

Most adults want to support themselves, let alone their children. Are you sure he's got residency of DD? Have you been to his parents' house?

cstaff · 14/02/2020 19:48

I presume his parents feed him and his child when he is home. Not only is he a cicklodger but also bumming off his folks.

DFAMA · 14/02/2020 19:56

Op sorry again for the bluntness but this is so so similar to the start of my relationship with my ex and I didn't see the signs until a good few years in after he had fucked me over in a big way.

Just another word of warning - he did not get this attitude by himself. His family have been enabling this for years and won't see any problem with his freeloading, they may even have been encouraging it to make sure they still felt needed. When you make the break whether thats now or further down the line you will be the bad guy regardless of what happened in the run up to it. I don't want to project any more of my shit over your thread but I am basically you 15 years on. RUN!!!

Harakeke · 14/02/2020 19:56

“he's got money for cigarettes but not the kids dinner??“

He’s a charmer isn’t he?

Bin OP. You’ll probably find your finances aren’t quite as tight once he’s out of the picture.

CalleighDoodle · 14/02/2020 20:02

He is the type to ask you to take a loan out for him in your name.

FinallyHere · 14/02/2020 20:05

Money from his Dad for cigarettes ... but not for all the kids to have pizza.

oh dear, I'm so sorry

Blanca87 · 14/02/2020 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 20:19

@Blanca87 thanks for making me feel more shit than I already do.

I will end it but I'm not going to do.it tonight with my kids around

OP posts:
DFAMA · 14/02/2020 20:20

Not helpful Blanca87. Why is it her fault and not his anyway?

RibenaMonsoon · 14/02/2020 20:22

@Blanca87
There was no need for that. It's easy to judge a situation when you are on the outside isn't it?

cstaff · 14/02/2020 20:54

OP ignore Blanca87.

Breakups are never easy.

Do it in your own time but do it.
Just make sure to tell him why. Maybe it will save some other poor woman going through something similar. Mind yourself. Flowers

TheCakeCrusader · 14/02/2020 21:10

COCKLODGER!

Get rid- he offers crumbs and expects a loaf in return!

MsPepperPotts · 14/02/2020 21:33

You need to find your anger and direct at the one whose causing you so much stress.
There is nothing more stressful than being with a man who is a liar and extremely tight with money.
He's draining what little spare finances you have. It affects your whole life situation.

You need to think about you won self worth...because this guy has absolute zero respect for you.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 21:45

Get rid of stinky breath...

Still1nLove · 14/02/2020 21:47

What an a*hole!

timeisnotaline · 14/02/2020 21:56

His dad can transfer him cab money. You can’t afford to drive him home and it’s not fair on your kids to have to drag them along.
Honestly his parents pay his living costs and now he is happy for not just you but your parents to pay them too. That is cocklodging to another level. As for ‘i don’t trust internet banking’ this is a steaming pile of bullshit big enough to bury your house, coming from the guy who runs a business and accepts transfers in.

Op I’m sorry you haven’t realised this but you are prioritising him above your kids. If he pulled his weight you wouldn’t be so short of funds.

Rhi11 · 14/02/2020 22:14

To be fighting over money already ... Maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.