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AIBU?

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Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 15/02/2020 08:22

Sorry to be so blunt, I didn't mean to make you feel like shit. However you are being too passive and he is taking the piss out of you. You have no money for your kids because you subsides him. That's the bit I can't get my head around, that is awful and sad. Growing up in relative poverty is hard, you and your kids are living in toxic stress that comes with living week to week, day to day. Please try to get a grip of the situation for the sake of your kids.

mummmy2017 · 15/02/2020 08:26

Have you actually asked him to pay you for petrol?
I ask because some people ignor hints.
He really could be that daft, that unless you tell him point blank , he may not understand.

VeganCow · 15/02/2020 08:33

if you're going to end it anyway why not just ask him outright before you end it- list all the times he has promised money but never gave it to you, all the times he has forgotten his wallet, no pizza for the kids but can buy fags etc (ask him when his 'dad transferred fag money' why didn't he buy pizza for the kids instead) and apart from owing you money what about the holiday promise? Ask him why that never materialised and why did he offer?
I would want to hear his shit excuses myself, see how he tries to excuse himself. Then you have your opening-sorry, can't be in a relationship with someone who behaves like this so its over.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/02/2020 08:37

If I were you, I’d get rid of him. He’s a knob. He’s a liar. Don’t bother, he’s just not worth it.

Chamomileteaplease · 15/02/2020 09:17

I would make sure you get all the money back that he owes you before dumping him.

And why in god's name are you buying stuff for him and his kids when you don't have enough for your own? Confused

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 09:23

I dont think I was clear about the clothes. They were a christmas present for his daughter but he never paid for anything for my sons. I've decided to.deal with it today when he wakes up.

OP posts:
TreatMyself · 15/02/2020 09:26

Did he get his fags? Did the children get their pizza?

mummmy2017 · 15/02/2020 09:34

NatureWalk, I am not trying to be nasty, but I do know you can help by till Kingdom come with my eldest.
She loves me and offers money, she is not a bad person, but something in her personality means she won't pay up unless we actually say to her give me the money now, and hold out our hands.
I am hoping you have someone like that and not a CF. So this was why I said ask him out right.

mummmy2017 · 15/02/2020 09:35

Sorry . Should be ask till Kingdom come.

MyOtherProfile · 15/02/2020 09:36

When he wakes up? I presume you are looking after his dd while he has a lie in then?

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 09:37

He got fags and we made pizza out of what was in the cupboards.

OP posts:
Trahira · 15/02/2020 09:42

Good luck OP. I know this conversation is really hard for you.

madcatladyforever · 15/02/2020 09:42

Dump him he's a waste of space. He sounds like my ex who eventually passed all my money away and left me having to downsize. Men like this don't change and your children are suffering as a result.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 09:45

Out of curiosity I just worked out roughly how much driving to and from his in our relationship (I used the 45p a mile and an average of how many times a week I go over and back) that diesnt include driving him to other places etc. It comes tonover £500 no wonder I'm so fucking broke at the moment.

OP posts:
Trahira · 15/02/2020 09:50

Well done OP - that knowledge will help you have a proper conversation about this. And don't forget the food too.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 15/02/2020 09:53

I think your worry over having arguments is stopping you bringing these things up as they happen

BeardieWeirdie · 15/02/2020 09:55

Gosh, get rid. Who the fuck prioritises fags over food for their children? Well I suppose he doesn’t need to when he can raid your almost empty cupboards. You, your children and his daughter deserve so much better than this waste of space.

Randomness12 · 15/02/2020 10:05

Oh OP you (and your kids) can do so much better than this.

He’s a waste of space, good luck to you today. I hope you get rid.

Weffiepops · 15/02/2020 10:07

Don't live with him, buy some time, he sounds like he'll be a drag

Weffiepops · 15/02/2020 10:08

Total cocklodger!

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 10:18

I bought it up and he was totally offended. I feel like shit. He kept saying he forgot he said about the party and he forgot he said he would transfer money etc and he was going to donate food shop but I did it before he got over here.

OP posts:
Troels · 15/02/2020 10:21

Don't feel like shit, he's telling you whatever he thinks he needs to, to make himself look all sad and innocent and make you feel sorry for him.

Trahira · 15/02/2020 10:22

Why do you feel like shit? Because you are worried you are in the wrong, or because you know you are right and are gutted that he didn't admit it and apologise?

gamerchick · 15/02/2020 10:22

He'll say anything. Hasn't that been the problem all along OP?

His ACTIONS speak a different story. He brought up pizza to your kids who from the sounds of it don't get treated that much and bought fags instead.

Send him home.

Whynosnowyet · 15/02/2020 10:23

He is lying... Omg say you know that...