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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 14/02/2020 17:30

It’s good you’re pissed off, LTB

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 17:31

Right OP, I know I might be coming across as a "bit much" but it's because I care about people being treated this badly.

So tell us - what is your plan?!

This man is quite literally taking food off your kids plates, experiences from their memories and a relaxed mum from their life.

Is he worth that?

If not, when and how are you going to end it?

Janus · 14/02/2020 17:33

I’d tell him he has to go home because you don’t have enough food to feed your family, let alone him. I’d also say I constantly pick you up, provide you with food, while I am extremely short on money. It’s starting to really upset me that you know I’m short but don’t offer to get us all a meal so I’d rather you leave now than make me more upset.
AND DON’T DRIVE HIM HOME, HE CAN GET A TAXI!

CodenameVillanelle · 14/02/2020 17:33

YOU paid for his daughter's clothes? Why?

Straycatstrut · 14/02/2020 17:34

OP my ex was like this and he's my kids dad. He just constantly lies. He'd make THEM promises (I'll come round and take you swimming, I'll be there to take you to school, watch you perform xyz) and then break their hearts. He couldn't actually be bothered. He tells everyone what they want to hear at the time to keep them sweet.

He is still like this now "I'll have the boys in half term so you can study/have a break", "I'll take them swimming", "I'll pay towards their birthday parties" and then it gets nearer the event and I have to chase it up and he's full of excuses. Thank god I don't live with it anymore. I never tell my kids his "promises" anymore and get their hopes up.

Major red flag. I'd definitely, double, triple think this relationship.

Dozer · 14/02/2020 17:34

You HAVE put him in front of your DC: all that money spent on him. Bad decisions.

Stop doing it! Completely. No petrol money, no lifts. No food money, no take away.

If he’s fair and reasonable he will start sharing costs. He probably won’t though.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 17:35

If you don't dump this one you really are daft.

Yes what kind of business is it? Do have a bit of fun before you show him the door!

'Gosh no internet banking? Wow how do you run the business then?'

(innocent wide eyes)

Horrible little user.

Dozer · 14/02/2020 17:36

HE isn’t taking food from OP’s DCs’ mouths. He is asking and OP is choosing to prioritise her limited resources on him.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/02/2020 17:37

Hes said a few times he will transfer money for this and that.

Honestly just ask him to leave. Right now.

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 17:40

@Dozer

HE isn’t taking food from OP’s DCs’ mouths. He is asking and OP is choosing to prioritise her limited resources on him.

My posts may not have shown this from the wording (as I have said what an arsehole he is) but I 100% agree. This man is not responsible for OP's children, OP is. There's being incredibly slyly / manipulatively taken advantage of and there's being willfuly blind to actions that have a directly negative effect in your children. How can you choose to invest in this relatively new, selfish partner over your own kids??

PuppyL0ve683 · 14/02/2020 17:42

Did he get you a card, gift or cook/clean for you tonight on Valentine's day ?

FlowerArranger · 14/02/2020 17:46

@NatureWalk - can you grow a back bone and kick this scumbag out? And I mean right now!

FFS I'm so angry that useless, entitled cocklodgers like this guy succeed in taking well meaning but naive women to the cleaners.

popcornpaws · 14/02/2020 17:58

Bet your still moaning about being skint in 6 month time because this dick is taking the piss!
Whats going on here?
Is it a case of anyone is better than no one?
You’re letting your family down as well as yourself but it seems like you dont actually care as long as you are in a “relationship”

Ellisandra · 14/02/2020 18:20

This is a bit of an onslaught (and I’ve been part of that!) for the OP, especially when this man is with her this evening.
It’s easy from the outside.
@NatureWalk if you just want to get through tonight and have a proper think tomorrow, that’s fine.
We might all be shouting that he’s not good enough for you - but you’re the one who posted your concerns. You’re not a fool, you knew it didn’t feel right.
It’s easy for us to say, “tell him to fuck off home by taxi now” and harder for you to do. It’s OK to gather your thoughts and tell him after he leaves tomorrow that his empty promises and taking from your limited resources means you’re not interested in continuing to see him.

Now that the penny has dropped, I think you’ll start to realise and remember a lot more examples - like the season ticket contribution.

mummmy2017 · 14/02/2020 18:35

Explain to him it cost you £25 to fetch and take him home, you feel he promised to pay, which is why you do it, but he has been here say 20 time , that would have been enough for you to pay all your bills.
Ask him is he going to pay you back like he promised.

Whynosnowyet · 14/02/2020 18:38

Think how much cash you will have when you dump him op...
You can treat you and dc...

bugbhaer · 14/02/2020 18:40

People need to stop berating the OP and expecting her to do things at your pace rather than her own.

RibenaMonsoon · 14/02/2020 18:41

@Ellisandra
Perfectly put!
Couldn't agree more.

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 18:41

Ok that is fucking it.....hes just told me hes off down the shop because hes run out of fags, when I asked him how he would pay he said his dad has transferred him some money. There is so much wrong with that sentence it's made me cry.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/02/2020 18:42

Make sure the doors shut n locked after he leaves!

YasssKween · 14/02/2020 18:43

Ok that is fucking it.....hes just told me hes off down the shop because hes run out of fags, when I asked him how he would pay he said his dad has transferred him some money. There is so much wrong with that sentence it's made me cry.

Oh god OP he's a selfish little cunt.

You say that is fucking it... so is he out, yes?

Don't waste one more minute on this dickhead - why is he even worth your headspace at this point?

Please tell him it's over. I don't know you or him but I don't know how you can even look at him!

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 18:44

@pinkyredrose I would but I have his daughter!

OP posts:
cstaff · 14/02/2020 18:46

Oh you poor thing OP. Flowers

I'm not going to give you grief. I don't think you need anymore. Just look after yourself and your kids.

Drum2018 · 14/02/2020 18:46

If his dad transferred money how can he access it if he doesn't have his wallet, thus assuming he doesn't have his bank card?

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 18:47

@drum2018 I basically asked him that and he said he has his spare card on him that he doesnt usually use and has no money on.

OP posts: