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Original poster

My bf keeps promising things that dont happen. How would you approach this?

423 replies

NatureWalk · 14/02/2020 08:41

I have been with my bf for a while now, to the point where we are looking at moving in together. Our kids love each other and the relationship is wonderful. We both came out of abusive relationships, mine was more mental, his ex physically attacked him many times.
However he promises things that dont appear and it's really starting to get to me. My ex would promise me things as a form of control so I'm not sure if I'm being overly sensitive about this.
A couple of examples, his dp are planning their yearly family trip in march, his dp take him and his daughter away to a haven type place and he asked if I wanted to do with my kids. I said I'd love too but I cant afford a holiday this year, he said no problem he would pay the extra for a bigger caravan some could go. They are going in march and since the initial conversation it's not come up again.
It's also my middle sons birthday at the beginning of march I mentioned to bf I was upset that I couldnt afford a party he said dont worry he would transfer me the money soni could book something small. That was a couple of weeks ago and nothing. He stays at mine a few nights a week (he lives with his parents) and inhave to drive a 40 min round trip to get him as he doesnt drive, hes always promising petrol money and to do food shop etc to cover some of the cost but these things never come. He has paid for petrol a couple of times.

I'm not sure how to say to him to stop promising things if he cant deliver them. I dont want it to effect the relationship but i know if dont say something soon I'll snap and itll cause a massive argument.

OP posts:
CrimsonCattery · 15/02/2020 10:24

Of course he is making excuses. He is deliberately making you feel like shit so he can continue playing the big man while freeloading off you. Remember he lied about internet banking and not having his card so he could avoid buying food he promised your CHILDREN while getting himself fags.

You are not the bad guy here.

OliviaBenson · 15/02/2020 10:25

Why do you believe him?

You aren't wrong here, he knows exactly what he is doing. He's done a complete number on you op.

mrsbyers · 15/02/2020 10:28

Does he work ? Maybe he would like to be doing more but financially can’t at the moment

dreamingbohemian · 15/02/2020 10:30

Why on earth would you feel like shit. Get angry!! Remember that 500 quid you've shelled out on him?

TreatMyself · 15/02/2020 10:31

He can give you the money today now he knows.

BemidjiMinnesota · 15/02/2020 10:35

Why do you feel like shit? He's the one who should feel like shit!

He's a lying piece of poo so when you confronted him he was obviously not going to say "yes, I lied to you, I'm a selfish leech". Why are you expecting honestly from a liar? You'll always be disappointed.

Send him home and spend your money on your kids instead. He's no use.

LovingLola · 15/02/2020 10:37

God almighty.
And you still think you put your children first ...

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 15/02/2020 10:42

Don't feel shit OP, feel angry. He is totally taking the piss out of you and your kids.

"Forgot" my arse. No one forgets a promise they made, or forgets their girlfriend feeds them, or forgets their girlfriend spends money on petrol to see them, or forgets their wallet. I have never, not once, forgotten to take money with me when leaving the house. And to spend his money on fags instead of the pizza he promised and LIE to you that he doesn't trust online banking?

Come on OP. You deserve much better than this sponging, lying waste of space.

Iwannatellyouastory · 15/02/2020 10:43

Do not feel shit, he is deliberately making you feel bad so that you stop asking.
If he really “forgot” he would be paying you back right now!
Remember last night his own DD would have gone hungry if you hadn’t fed her, but he still had his cigs though. The food him and his DD ate last night is one less meal for your children.
How nice a birthday party could you have for your child with a fraction of the money he owes you?
For god sake put your own family first, if you can’t bin him for your own sake think about what he has taken away from your kids and get angry.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 15/02/2020 10:45

I know I’ll get criticised for victim blaming, but the crap that woman on here put up with makes me think no wonder some men will get away with whatever they can.

DFAMA · 15/02/2020 10:45

Can people stop being shitty to the op! Men like this are experts at making others feel like they have a responsibility to look after them.

He is lying, he had no intention of paying and was hoping it just wouldn't be mentioned again. This will be your life until you get rid of him, he will not change and it will get worse

LorenzoStDubois · 15/02/2020 10:47

You have a cocklodger.
Get rid of him.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2020 10:50

I basically asked him that and he said he has his spare card on him that he doesnt usually use and has no money on.

He’s a fucking liar. How the hell can a parent buy fags rather than the pizza he promised? Your ds got no Christmas present yet you bought his daughter stuff? He is financially abusing you and taking the piss in an extreme manner.

Have you spoken to him about his failed promise to get the season ticket/pay for the bigger caravan etc? He’s an asshole. How much longer you going to let him suck you dry?

EvaHarknessRose · 15/02/2020 10:53

Listen to his actions not his words you can do this remember you are vulnerable to abuse and you need boundaries of steel now for you and your kids.

SixesandEights · 15/02/2020 10:53

He can go out right now and buy some shopping with the card he doesn't usually use but strangely had about his person when he forgot his wallet. But of course, he can't because his dad will only have transferred enough for his cigarettes!

You have spent £500 on driving him around.

He is a liar. He is taking advantage of you. Please don't continue to allow him to make you feel terrible because you dare to question all of this.

Now that the scales have started to fall please don't be a mug and keep going out with this waste of space.

Mix56 · 15/02/2020 10:54

he was going to donate food shop but I did it before he got over here.
but he didn't have his wallet, oh but he did have a card, oh but dad sent money for fags, oh but he promised pizza then used your ingredients to make them, oh & does he usually donate towards a food shop ?
He is GASLIGHTING you,
he has really done a number on you.
How about saying, you have seen me cry this w/e about my financial situation, you owe me x for taxiing, x for DDs Xmas present, x for you & your child's food. I am not funding you anymore, I am broke, so you can go now, or ask your Dad to transfer money for your taxi (joke)

LorenzoStDubois · 15/02/2020 10:56

Like someone else above said -
if you stay with this waster, then you are daft.

FourDecades · 15/02/2020 10:59

@NatureWalk - he's full of bullshit and playing you for a fool. If he wasn't then there wouldn't be so many messages on here telling you to LTB.

Please don't be a mug and fall for his bullshit. He is LITERALLY taking food from your kids mouths.

Are you happy with that?

FinallyHere · 15/02/2020 11:02

he forgot he said he would transfer money etc

Did he also forget that he didn't trust internet banking ?

Watch his actions, not these useless excuses. He really is a piece of work. His excuses are getting more pathetic. Prioritising his cigarettes over pizza for your DC.

There are no words.

Please don't let him make you feel bad for calling him out on his lies. Feel bad for spending £500 on taxiing him around, so that you are struggling to pay for your children.

CupoTeap · 15/02/2020 11:11

So he promised his own daughter pizza as well as your dc?

Please, please realise how much better off you will be without him.

Questionforyou · 15/02/2020 11:25

OP. This thread is unanimous in saying that he is no good for you (or for anyone for that matter). Being single is ALWAYS better than being with someone like this. What kind of person watches a single parent be unable to feed their children, AND at the same time takes from them? Promises their children pizza, but then goes back on that in favour of buying their own cigarettes. Let’s that single parent drive a 40 minute trip with their children to pick them up, but doesn’t offer fuel money, or even acknowledge that it probably isn’t fair on the children to do that journey repeatedly for no good reason.
Please end this, and spend some time working on why you think that this kind of relationship is all you’re worth. Because you are worth so much more.

Poohpooh · 15/02/2020 11:29

‘donate a food shop’

Does he think you’re a food bank?

Ellisandra · 15/02/2020 11:32

So today, he was going to transfer money, but he just “forgot”.
Yet yesterday he couldn’t transfer money because he doesn’t trust online banking Hmm

That’s really convenient that he was going to do the food shop.

Well, you still need a food shop after he ate your food last night. Give him a list. Get his dad to transfer £20 to the mystery account, for which he just happened to have a card on him despite forgetting his wallet, and pack him off to get the shooing now. Still dump him after, but at least restock your cupboards.

£500 before you even touch the food he and his daughter have eaten at yours, and the money you’ve spent on her Xmas present.

Go online now and look at the Haven holiday you could have afforded for your own kids, without him, for that £500. A nice big caravan, by the beach, all included kids’ activities, a lovely pool - and spending money left over.

Original poster
NatureWalk · 15/02/2020 11:33

@poohpooh sorry I was typing quickly and meant do a not donate

OP posts:
Teacupover5 · 15/02/2020 11:33

Sending you a big hug OP.Its very difficult to know what's good when you have been badly treated in the past .
None of this is your fault .
Some men are experts at spotting vulnerable women and manipulating them for their own ends .
Take your time ,get him out of your life in your own time .Love yourself ,build up your strength and you will never be targeted by a man like this again 💐💐💐