To not have to Be stressed on post natal ward?

[ifeeltheneedtheneedforsleep]

I had my baby earlier in the week and after a very traumatic delivery he's in SCBU while I'm on the post natal ward (trying to recover from emergency surgery AND going back and forth to be with baby).
The staff have been amazing so this is in no way a criticism of them but it is a criticism of the idiot pen pusher who no doubt deemed it a good idea to implement a policy allowing partners or friends or family to stay over with mothers on the post natal ward!
The ward is full tonight and it's like a freaking zoo! Next to me I've got a woman who has her mother staying who repeatedly rings the midwife asking for food, pillows, water etc etc for her MOTHER because you know, she's travelled a long way! I've lost count of the amount of times they've bashed through my curtain and sent everything flying!
Opposite is a woman who at the moment has a partner and his male friend (who the midwife is trying to evict to their protests about it being too late at night for him to leave) - they are busy watching bollywood movies on an iPad at full volume and have their own picnic going on so it's non stop crinkle, rustle munch munch on top of their cackling, loud chatting and movie!! That's just two or the finer examples but the rest are having full on conversations at nearly half past midnight!

Is it too much to ask to recover on a ward where you don't feel like you're in party central, where you can actually speak to the midwife about bleeding or leaky boobs without having just a curtain between you and some randoms? Or even to be able to change without worrying that some idiot is going to pull your curtain back because they've barged it constantly? 😡

Oh I feel your pain! I had an emergency c-section and spent six days in hospital with dangerously high blood pressure. Luckily DS was fine just a little early.

The ward was very stressful. It was like Piccadilly Circus in there! I ended up sharing with Snorey McSnoresome, who snores all night except when her baby screamed in hunger and she (I presume) had trouble feeding. At the same time I had Miss Overshare opposite who came in about 10pm and spent the next six hours phoning everyone she knew telling all about the birth, how much it hurt and how much she bleeding. I eventually broke down in tears and the midwives moved me to a private room as I couldn’t sleep in the ward and it was affecting my bp. Finally got to go home two days later.

But apart from when I was in a private room I insist DH went home at night. Partially so he could get a proper nights sleep and partially out of respect to the other ladies who might not appreciate a strange man about.

I've had this. They kept saying "you seem very tired" or "baby seems unsettled" No shit Sherlock, can't get a moments peace. They wanted to keep us in to check that I wasn't too tired and baby was more settled, I put my foot down And said that the problem was being in the hospital. As soon as I was medically able, I went home.

There were complaints about me sobbing all night and my baby screaming all night.. Disturbed the other mums, so it's not just partners who disturb

YANBU. I discharged myself from the post natal ward because of this madness. I understand most people can't do this, I was very lucky. The father in the next cubicle kept entering our cubicle to 'move round' the bed but literally poked his head through and went 'SORRY' every hour. The volume and amount of people at like 1am was ridiculous. I calmed down 10 fold once I was home.

There should be a simple rule of no men outside visiting hours.

If people want their men there they should pay for a private room - everyone happy.

It's a difficult one. First time I was on a ward of 6 and it was busy but there were always midwives popping in and out and healthcare assistants circulating to see if anyone needed anything. Second time I was put in a room with only me and one other woman and we were basically ignored the whole time. The door was kept shut, no one came unless we rang, if one of us was in the loo or whatever when the drugs round came we missed out so we had to ring and wait for ages to get painkillers. I'd been told I'd be encouraged to get up and moving soon after my c section but I was left with the catheter in and everything until the following day. The evening of my cs my mum came to visit and rang the bell immediately and complained- I'd been left in bloody sheets unable to move, catheter bag close to exploding, no food. Twice we were completely left out of the food round so had to have whatever was leftover because no one appeared to know the room was occupied. So while it was calmer and quieter I did feel 'invisible' and it was much harder to get help when I needed it as I couldn't just grab someone when they came in (because no one came in).

have you actually complained to whoever is responsible on the ward?
You really should not have to put up with this. I don't understand how the others can be so hugely inconsiderate but if they behave as you say, then I don't understand why they aren't shown the door.

When I was induced with my eldest, I was in labour 10 pm. DP was not allowed to stay but had to leave and I was only allow to call him once I went into the delivery suite (1h later). Midwives were very firm that this is not a place for partners and family to hang around (rightly so!)

The maternity services in this country are third world country standards and need a massive overhaul - starting with banning overnight visitors. It just demonstrates how little women are cared for or thought of. Get back to the days of a bossy matron and proper rest with 2 hours for everyone to visit, partners included! Nigel doesn't need to be there for 24 hours a day - he's better to be at hone prepping for mum and baby's return and getting a decent nights sleep! I feel so strongly about this and I rage every time I read a thread like this about how new mothers are treated

I had my first baby over 40 years ago. I think we accepted rules more back then and the ward I was on was (I think) 24 beds in an open ward, no bays or anything. We had visiting every night, one person by the bed, if you had more than one visitor one waited outside and they swapped. Visiting was an hour I think. Twice a week, Wednesday and Sunday, we had afternoon visitors, again an hour and these were the only visits where children could come. We hated it, too regimented, needed to see partners more (I do think it was hard on people with other children.)

When I look back now I realise the ward was quiet and ordered, after lunch baby went in a nursery and we had an hour where we were expected to sleep. We were in for 8 days for a normal first birth.

Mums helped each other, C Sections were rarer back then but there were a couple of mums who'd had them on the ward and other mums would pass them things, lift the baby for them, get them a drink or a clean nappy. We would chat and compare stitches and cracked nipples and more experienced mums would share knowledge.

We wanted a most easy going system, sister not ruling with a rode of iron, but we got rest, we got help from other women, we had time to talk to each other without visitors there and we got sleep.

Maybe we need another look at things.

GlummyMcGlummerson I feel a bit guilty. I was one of the mums pushing back in the 70s for easier visiting, men being allowed at the birth etc. Honestly we never realised it would end up with this madness. I feel so sorry for young mums now.

YANBU

There should be no overnight guests whatsoever on postnatal wards unless in private ensuite rooms.

I hope you and your baby are well soon and can go home congratulations.

YANBU to be upset. However, a lot of midwives are absolutely dreadful and genuinely do not help you. My partner wasn't allowed to stay, but this meant I was left unable to get out of bed to get my baby (post emcs) and the midwives/hca's genuinely would have rather had a gossip at the reception desk at 2am than help. If my partner would have been allowed to stay, I would have been able to not only sleep, but bond with my baby, rather than spending 30 minutes slowly and painfully dragging myself out of the bed and crying each of the 4 nights I was in there.

I think a good compromise would be more private/side rooms for those with difficult births where one partner can stay to assist. If there's any noise/disruption, they're out. Or, you know, fund wards properly and stop expecting mums post birth/surgery to do everything on their own and scowl at them if they ask for help.

When I had my 3 partner visiting times were strictly enforced. DD2 was born very early hours, when we were moved to postnatal, DH was made to leave the unit and wait for the half hour for partner visiting to restart for that day.

The hospital my sister used had a very different policy. She was wheeled up after her section and they couldn't get the bed past the crowd of men at the visitor tea and toast making area. We had to wait for some arsehole to butter his toast. The ward was bedlam and she whispered she wanted to go back down to recovery!

I recently had a baby and my husband came up onto the ward with me to get settled then was told he had to leave, which was completely fine. He was getting his things together anyway! 😁 It is beyond when people are there constantly. It's not fair. When my middle baby was born there were loads of people on the ward, whole families of 8 adults who would sit around the bed and pull my curtain. I wasnt happy.

When I had my children partners could stay until 10pm and then had to go. All visitors were much quieter. Last year I spent a night in hospital having investigations for excruciating pain. I have a mental illness so my anxiety was off the scale and I was crying. My fiance stayed with me but he was extremely quiet.

@1forsorrow it’s difficult isn’t it. I’ve heard stories of back a few decades ago- women not being ‘allowed’ their partner at the birth when they desperately wanted them there (not to mention forced baths/enemas/shaves), babies unwillingly separated from perfectly healthy well mothers and taken to the nursery for mum to have a proper rest as recover but not really wanting that separation and finding it distressing, healthy mothers having straightforward births but being kept unwillingly in hospital for 5 nights.

Then we’ve kind of gone too far in the opposite direction. Women called selfish if they don’t want their husband present at the birth (and nothing being off limits during birth for partners to spectate at/no privacy protected at all), told that birth is no big deal and they need ‘get on with it’, chucked out of hospital unwillingly an hour after birth, or kept in and left to it with no support despite being in pain, women who’ve had major surgery denied support or pain relief because ‘having a baby is a normal thing and you have to get on with it’, busy overcrowded wards with men freely wondering around, one shared toilet and no dignity.

We need to start actually thinking about women. Why can’t we have the support of our partners but also dignity and privacy and better support from staff when wanted and needed? I think private rooms would be a big help, I was on a ward with just the women and babies but six adults and six newborns crammed together in a room with thin curtains was still noisy and stressful. Sadly I think a lot this will be dismissed due to funding and resources preventing it :(

I had my babies in the early 80's. Things were so different back then.
With my first, I was on the antenatal ward for 2 weeks bed rest before the birth due to very high blood pressure and a heart problem. Visiting times were strict. An hour in the afternoon and 2 hours in the evening. Once I'd had the baby I was in a 8 bed ward. Baby was with me during the day when the midwives would come and show you how to do everything and help with breastfeeding if you were having problems. It was the mothers choice if she wanted to keep the baby with her at night or baby went to the nursery. If you were breastfeeding they would bring the baby to you to be fed and take it back to the nursery afterwards so you could sleep. Bottle fed babies were fed by the midwives in the nursery.
In the morning, babies were fed and changed, then mothers had breakfast, had a wash and changed etc, then babies were bathed before the doctors rounds. This went on for 8 days, by which time most babies were in a routine. Visiting was again an hour in the afternoon and 2 hours in the evening with 2 visitors per bed. Fathers could visit anytime from 9am to 9pm but they were sent away during meal times and our afternoon naps. I quite enjoyed it.its was so much more relaxing for the mothers than it appears to be now. The difference then though was that there were plenty of midwives, hca's and nursery nurses who were always around to help

OMG OP you poor thing - I didn't realise things had got like that - you should ask if you can have a private room.

When I had my first in 2004 I was told that if the private rooms are not all being used for serious cases, they will 'rent' them to anyone who asks for £25 a night. I was allowed to stay as long as I wanted, as long as the room wasn't needed, so I stayed three nights - it was like being in a hotel!

I wasn't so lucky with my second as all the rooms were in use, so I stayed one night on the ward. It was quite noisy with baby noises but there were no visitors.

I hope you can get some rest!

So sorry to hear this OP. Like some PPs I had my babies a long time ago (early 90s) and things were very different. I can't imagine trying to cope with self-absorbed, unaware people when you're in such a vulnerable state. I understand that this 'partners on the ward 24/7' thing is a direct result of cutting funding and resources to (surprise!) women's services. What it comes down to is the steady erosion of women's safe spaces and dismissing the needs and wants of women.
Are people less self-aware and entitled these days? It seems you can't go anywhere without encountering someone who thinks a public place is an extension of their living room and they don't have to consider anyone else because they're 'speshul' and the rules don't apply to them.
Hope you manage to get some rest, OP.

@cidersupernova, you put it really well. Maybe some of these old rules were there for a reason!

Thing is OP, back in the days when you were on the postnatal ward in your own, people still behaved like outrageous arseholes. Obviously it's more infuriating when the people being a pain don't even need to be there. But noisy fuckers talking loudly on their phones all night, watching stuff without headphones, stealing your pillow and/or making outrageous demands were definitely what I was surrounded by when I was stuck on a postnatal ward with DS2.

And actually it was worse because I was alone so no one could go and force someone to provide me with the painkillers I'd be prescribed (after an instrumental delivery - I never got any at all) or actually get me some food from the other end of the ward when I couldn't do it myself (so I ate nothing until visiting hours started). It was a seriously grim and very stressful experience. Plus DS never saw the paediatrician they were supposedly keeping us in to see - he'd have been assessed by the GP 24 hours earlier than he was if they hadn't insisted on keeping us prisoner.

Tbh, this time around I'd do anything to avoid any time on a postnatal ward. I'm really hoping for a straightforward delivery that I can go home afterwards and not have to endure a ward full of other people.

@cidersupernova You're totally right that very little of it is at all about what women want or need. My birth and hospital experiences with both my children were dreadful, in all sorts of different ways. I was so glad to get home both times.

You're right that the issue is that maternity services are seriously underfunded (like the rest of the NHS generally).

I feel so bad for what you all have to put up with when delivering babies in this country. It's awful. I think I'd probably scream with the constant noise when trying to recover. I had two c-sections and nights were quiet.
I dare the next mum having to put up with all this shite to shout out "Shut the fuck up, there are women in here trying to recover from surgery" "Go home already"

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/better-postnatal-care

YANBU.