To forgive the person who killed your child

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I'm not sure if anyone else saw this article recently but I found it fascinating, especially as I'm working on a film project at the moment which tackles similar issues.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/son-bataclan-terrorist-daughter-killed-now-written-book-together/

Essentially the father of one of the victims at the Bataclan terrorist attack has befriended the father of one of the terrorists and they have written a book together.

Do you think you could ever forgive the person who killed your child? I can't imagine ever having the strength to forgive someone who had done it deliberately (aka the terrorist themselves).

But what about the parent of that person? Or if someone had done so accidentally (like a car accident)?

The worst hypothetical to imagine I know, but the strength of some people amazes me. I don't know if I'd have it in me.

I wouldn't blame the parent for the child's behaviour in that situation no. I hope I'd be able to forgive. I think it shows great strength and I don't know if I could be that strong, although I hope I could

I don't see why the parents of that person should be blamed unless they actually played a part in the death.

I wouldnt. Rightly or wrongly I'd be angry at everyone involved in that person's life.

I don't think I could, or indeed would want to, forgive the person who did it except in very specific accidental circumstances where it was genuinely a real accident (so not a dangerous or reckless driver).

However I wouldn't blame the killer's parents unless there was a reason to believe that they shared responsibility - if they'd brought their offspring up to be extremists of any kind and the child committed murder based on extremist ideology, and this was openly admitted/ clear.

I'm not sure about writing a book though, that feels a bit exploitative.

No. I wouldn't.

No

I couldn’t. They are a bigger person than me.
I would almost feel like I’m betraying my child, even if it does sound odd.

You cant forgive or not forgive the parents of the terrorist. Its not their responsibility.
And you can't forgive the terrorist, unless he has asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a dyadic process and cannot be bestowed on someone who hasn't requested it
You can of course say you are open to forgiving but that's not quite the same thing

I often think that the families of someone who has committed an atrocity are just as much ‘victims’ as the victim’s families. But they get overlooked and probably don’t feel they can speak up.

Read a interview once with Dylan Klebold’s mother that gave an great insight into being on the other side of it.

I think some people find it very healing, and if so then good for them.

What I hate, however, is the snide implication sometimes that everyone has to forgive; and that “holding onto hate” is somehow just as bad as the person who did the harm in the first place. What a load of crap.

I lost my daughter last year. The people who are responsible for her death will never be held to account. It magnifies my grief ten fold.

I hope they rot in Hell.

@DevastatedandDistraught I'm so sorry for your loss

@Dyrne

You're right. Its somehow a given now that forgiveness is the right thing to do. And those who have done wrong are somehow not involved in the process at all
But real forgiveness comes only after someone has expressed contrition. This allows the wronged person to express their hurt, and have that acknowledged
Only then can they genuinely forgive
If you are hurt, abused or the victim of wrongdoing, you do not have to forgive an abuser who doesnt give a shit. Nor should you.
But if they ask for forgiveness and accept responsibility for what they have done and they try to make amends and, if you want to, then you can forgive. That sort of forgiveness is healing. The other sort is well meaning platitude

DevastatedandDistraught I'm sorry to hear that, that must be very close to unbearable

I have a friend who’s wonderful grandfather was a bishop. His son was murdered during the Iranian revolution. He wrote a prayer for his murderers:

O God, Bahram’s blood has multiplied the fruit of the Spirit in the soil of our souls; so when his murderers stand before Thee on the day of judgement remember the fruit of the Spirit by which they have enriched our lives, and forgive.

I can’t even imagine forgiving someone that maimed my child, let alone murdered them in cold blood.

And these people, like so many, were never caught and bright to justice. But somehow, him and his wife, were not crippled with anger, but managed to stay gentle and loving until they died. I think I’d be the “rot in hell” type. So sorry for your loss devestated

I would feel like I was betraying my child too, or making their life less celebrated just to be ''the bigger person''.

I wouldn't aim to be angry indefinitely but no, there are millions of people I could seek out friendships with. I'd rather be friends with people who had been hrough something similar.

Read a interview once with Dylan Klebold’s mother that gave an great insight into being on the other side of it. I think I might have watched a TED talk by her that was very moving.

I remember encountering some restorative justice cases years ago where victims relatives and offenders were brought together, it was quite new at the time. The forgiveness expressed often felt a bit odd, it didn't feel natural and often had a religious slant. In some ways I think there was an element of disassociation or denial... Or some psychological process going on that I'm not qualified to identify....I think it was a way of coping.

But it's about the two dads who each lost a child, not about the parent forgiving the killer necessarily. Mr Amimour did not kill Lola Salines, his son did.

Anthony Walker's mother Gee has spoken at length about forgiving her son's killers.

To be honest, if religion would help me through something as horrific as Losing my child, is take it and embrace it. 🤷‍♀️

I’d also feel like I was betraying my child if I forgave. Forgiving isn’t the better person, although I’d never judge anyone of it helped them.

Justice is the better person, but unfortunately justice can never be true as the awful has already happened. Nothing can right it.

Accidentally? Maybe. The parent? Yeah. The actual person who also intended to do it? No. But I wouldn't judge someone else for forgiving them if it were their child. Plus it's one thing to forgive, but befriending and writing a book with is another thing entirely

So sorry devastated

A friend of a friends cousin husband was accidentally killed in a car accident. It was a freak accident as the driver apparently lost their concentration. She wasn't drunk, or tired or anything.

Total accident. I get we are talking about murder in ur example above but my cousin in the end forgave the women who killed her husband. I think they still see each other for coffee. Granted it took a while but can you ever imagine that happening? Like actually being able to forgive someone for truly making a mistake that was so harrowing for you.