To forgive the person who killed your child

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I'm not sure if anyone else saw this article recently but I found it fascinating, especially as I'm working on a film project at the moment which tackles similar issues.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/son-bataclan-terrorist-daughter-killed-now-written-book-together/

Essentially the father of one of the victims at the Bataclan terrorist attack has befriended the father of one of the terrorists and they have written a book together.

Do you think you could ever forgive the person who killed your child? I can't imagine ever having the strength to forgive someone who had done it deliberately (aka the terrorist themselves).

But what about the parent of that person? Or if someone had done so accidentally (like a car accident)?

The worst hypothetical to imagine I know, but the strength of some people amazes me. I don't know if I'd have it in me.

What I hate, however, is the snide implication sometimes that everyone has to forgive

100% this! And it's the ultimate in 'othering' a person and pressuring them, hence the language 'letting go' 'positive' 'moving on', 99% of the time from people who are thankfully not and probably never will be in that position.

One's feelings around the murder of their child has to be the most personal thing in the world. It's their own business how and what they do and, as pointed out, it's perfectly possible to live on without someone else's idea of forgiveness.

If someone (can’t even say the word) my child with intent, I would want to get a giant nail file and file them to death from the toes to their head!!! Make of that what you will!

Obviously if it was an accident it’s different.

I think the poor pp above illustrates how hard it must be to see someone that killed your child get away with it. To feel they haven’t been punish absolutely would add to your anguish.

Those who could not forgive apologised for not being sold to,forgive and said they were a “work in progress”, hoped to be able to,forgive in due course and still prayed for the young man.

I can’t imagine anything more fucked up than feeling like you have to apologise to the person that destroyed your family for not being able to say “I forgive you for murdering my loved ones in cold blood”.

Nope not a chance in hell I would forgive anyone who harmed my child to that extent.

But I would guarantee that I would never think of them, never think of them and refuse to have anything to do with them or their family again. That would be how I moved forward, forgetting that they ever existed and only remembering the very best of my DC and not how they were cruelly taken away.

Not me but the daughter of someone I know was murdered by her husband when he discovered she was having an affair . He was ( is) a horrible bully but for some reason local sympathy was with him and his “ poor parents “ while the woman I know received a lot of condemnation as the mother of an adulteress. This was several years ago and the bastard is back out on the streets while the woman I know is broken .

I don't think I would forgive the actual murderer. No way. I would hate them until the day I died, and God can judge me accordingly.

Befriending the parent is a tricky one. On a rational level, I know it is not their fault, and their child's evil acts are not theirs. But... on an emotional level, I think I would feel bitterness towards them, too. I don't think I could help it. Somewhere along the line, whether by nature, nurture or circumstance, their child became a monster.

I won't judge the people in this article, though. They have both gone through the worst thing in the world- outliving their child.

I don’t feel I could. But then I can’t even imagine how I’d feel in that situation, so I feel like I can’t answer confidently.
Anything that brings people comfort and peace after such unimaginable horror is fine by me.

www.npr.org/2011/05/20/136463363/forgiving-her-sons-killer-not-an-easy-thing

I heard this on NPR years ago and it was very moving. Especially where he says that he almost struggles with the mother's forgiveness because he has barely forgiven himself.

I don't think there is any obligation to forgive. But I imagine it would be impossible to even approach forgiveness if the killer had not admitted guilt, felt remorse, been punished.

The father should have brought him up better, don't understand this at all

Sometimes yes, but sometimes no. Some people are just wrong in the head for no real reason.

I don’t think it’s possible to predict how you’ll feel about this unless you’re actually in that situation.
I hope and pray that myself & every other MN-er will never ever will have to go trough this.

I do not need to forgive the person who broke into my sister's student room at night and strangled her (she survived, but will never be the same). It makes me angry when people suggest it would make me feel better.

What would make me feel a little better, if only a little, is to be able to explain to this person how much what he did affected her, affected me, who 10 years later still panics when the phone rings at night, my family, who went of the rails in a variety of ways, her friends, who spend the rest of their studies (and longer) feeling unsafe at night. I could go on. But I'm realistic enough to know he wouldn't care, understand or feel remorse. there is no point in forgiving someone like that.

i dont think i could forgive someone who killed my daughter and would feel anger and many other emotions

it would break my heart if she died

slightly diff, but when my husband died, i didnt feel anger, as it was his choice - he killed his self

tho 10 000 other emotions came crashing down and world collasped and heart broke

but in time/over years it did mend

but a child, part of me,that i wanted so much (took 10yrs ttc) and grew in me, i dont know how people cope

@DevastatedandDistraught my heart goes out to you

Link as promised to my post above about the victims dad hugging murderers dad . This is all l can find its the last article 'Kyle Curran
www.independent.ie/opinion/analysis/similar-fate-for-four-other-kids-since-1970-26203634.html

The interview I heard between these two men was very illuminating and very sad. The father of the shooter was horrified by his son's actions, and in no way brought his son up to be radicalised. The girl's father wanted to meet him to help him come to terms with what had happened. They got on well, but at the end of the interview, the terrorist's father said, I think we're friends, we get on, we share interests. The girl's father responded, No, I'm sorry, but we're not friends. It was very sad. Both were desperately hurting in their different ways. I am so sad for all those PPs who've lost or had loved ones suffer cruelties or worse at the hands of others.

This is a very interesting thread... but still hasn't got to the bottom of what forgiveness is.
It's more than compassion for the wrongdoer- you can acknowledge they had, say, a shit upbringing but still hate them for what they did. Not everyone who has a shit upbringing does wrong.
It's not just an absence of a wish for vengeance.
It's not 'letting go of the hurt and anger'. You can come to terms with what happened, you can move on... it doesn't mean you forgive.

Prepenultimate yes l agree its hard to pinpoint when lack of vengeance, indifference or some sympathy for the perpetrator spills over into true forgiveness. I personally find it nearly impossible to forgive if someone isn't sorry or hasn't apologised or even acknowledged their wrongdoing. It's the first non negotiable for me on the road to forgiving ( lm talking about serious wrongdoings/treatment here btw not someone cutting me up driving etc )

Those who could not forgive apologised for not being sold to,forgive and said they were a “work in progress”, hoped to be able to,forgive in due course and still prayed for the young man.

I can’t imagine anything more fucked up than feeling like you have to apologise to the person that destroyed your family for not being able to say “I forgive you for murdering my loved ones in cold blood”.

They were apologising more to god than anyone else for not being able to show that most difficult Christian virtue of forgiveness .

Some people are just cut of a better cloth when it comes to the capacity for forgiveness - Nelson Mandela, the Jewish concentration camp survivor who embraced Oscar Groenig at his trial for war crimes, the black Christian women at the church whose fellow worshippers and family the young white man slaughtered

Have dug out a link to the video for the bond hearing of the church Murderer )ie whether he gets bail). The victims families speak around the 2 minute mark. I found it deeply moving

Sorry - forgot the link

I don't think you can forgive someone.

The forgiveness comes from the victim and if they cannot do it then no one else can.

I understand some people might get some comfort in the act of forgiveness but ultimately it isn’t up to them

If I was killed, I’d be fuming in the afterlife if my parents forgave the killer

I find this so interesting because I would.not feel like that at all. If want .y family to go onivimg as happy a life as possible. To remember me with love and of course some sadness . I would not want their lives filled with anger,resentment and hate against someone ( is my killer) as I worry it would add to their unhappiness anr make them stuck somehow always in my death rather than remembering my life.

No forgiveness would be forthcoming. I don't believe in turning the other cheek when it comes to murderer.

No, and can I point out that all that imagery about ‘letting go of hate’ and ‘moving on’ and ‘getting rid of the burden of negative emotions’ associated with forgiveness is as unhelpful and coercive as the ‘battling’ cancer stuff?

I don't think I could. My father died this week and right now I'm so angry and irrationally want to blame somebody.

I think killing a child accidentally versus pre meditation is an entirely different thing. You can’t compare it. Forgiveness, absolutely not.