To forgive the person who killed your child

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I'm not sure if anyone else saw this article recently but I found it fascinating, especially as I'm working on a film project at the moment which tackles similar issues.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/son-bataclan-terrorist-daughter-killed-now-written-book-together/

Essentially the father of one of the victims at the Bataclan terrorist attack has befriended the father of one of the terrorists and they have written a book together.

Do you think you could ever forgive the person who killed your child? I can't imagine ever having the strength to forgive someone who had done it deliberately (aka the terrorist themselves).

But what about the parent of that person? Or if someone had done so accidentally (like a car accident)?

The worst hypothetical to imagine I know, but the strength of some people amazes me. I don't know if I'd have it in me.

If someone murdered my child, then no, never!

But my son was hit by a car, and I never blamed the lady. It was an accident.

I never blamed my ex husband either even though he could have prevented it. He on The other hand never forgave himself.

Aridane wow. So the implication there is that people who dare to be angry and upset about the serious wrongs done against them is somehow “cut from a lesser cloth”?

If people find healing from faith or forgiveness then good for them.

If people are upset about the wrongs done to them that doesn’t make them a lesser person. And to clear something else up - refusing to “forgive” someone doesn’t mean you are constantly twisted up with anger either every moment of every day or somehow unable to remember the good things about the person you have lost.

I my opinion it is quite reasonable for someone to say “you have done great harm to me and my family and no amount of ‘I’m sorry’ is going to undo that”.

for all the posters on here who have lost someone. I have luckily never been in this situation so I couldn’t say.

If you’re interested in the subject OP there’s a book by Jodi Picoult called 19 Minutes. It’s fictional but sort of based on a school shooting like Columbine. Written partially from the POV of the shooters mother.

Also the murders in an Amish community that @ginandtonicformeplease mentioned - there’s a fantastically moving film called Amish Grace about it. Well worth a watch.

Apolloanddaphne I'm sorry your child died, I cannot imagine how hard that must be, your attitude is incredible.

No I am quite sure I couldn’t and why should I (it’s not something I can really comprehend it’s too painful)

There is no right or wrong way I don’t feel someone is a better/stronger person because they are able to forgive either.

I worked for a number of years as a therapist and learnt (regardless of theories in training) it’s about coming to terms and accepting how you feel not closure (overused term) or forgiving. Those that forgave were not necessarily more settled. Hate, be angry whatever you feel if you can accept your feelings and you are ok feeling that way towards someone and have that space to discuss those feelings without being shut down without being told hate only hurts you and all those other cliches then it’s helped them manage their feelings in their own way and more importantly feel that their feelings were valid.

It’s ok when the pain is so raw to feel anger and hate and it’s ok when the pain isn’t quite as raw every single day. It’s ok to forgive and it’s ok not to forgive what isn't ok is being told your feelings are wrong or shouldn’t you feel xy or z

Strongly agreed, @Dyrne.

You can forgive someone who has done something terrible but that is more about releasing them from their wrong doing.

Not forgiving someone doesn’t mean you are filled with hate and it affects your life negatively.

Nothing like a death of a child but I cannot forgive the people who have wronged me in my life.
They have begged forgiveness but I cannot forgive. I just don’t think about them.

I have forgiven in the past but just found released from their wrong doing they just did the same over and over

I haven't lost a kid but unfortunately know quite a few who have (none through murder thankfully!).

One, is one of my brother's best friend who passed away a couple of years ago from overdosis. Obviously since it was an overdose, technically he is his own ''killer'', the choice he made to consume drugs and drink at a party costing him his life at only 19, yet his parents were so devasted and angry that they took it out on their son's friends (not my brother as he wasn't at the party). My initial reaction when I found out that they had banned the two young men who had to go through the traumatic event of seeing their friend die and discovering his body the next morning from attending the funeral or even paying him their last goodbye, was lack of understanding, it seemed like they had taken their anger out on the wrong person (and I still feel like they have) but attending that funeral was the saddest thing I have ever had to attend, seeing this mum have to say goodbye to her son, knowing that day was the last day she would ever see him, it was heart-wretching and I understood that she needed to blame someone for something that seemed so senseless and unfair and who better than the guys she had trusted to hang out with her son and failed to bring him back alive? I could tell her heart, was filled with so much pain and anger (likely towards her son as much as his friends and the universe tbh) and I could understand why she felt the way she did.

I wonder where she is at now, and if she has somehow forgiven those guys and whether or not she regrets her initial reaction and not having them at the funeral (honestly I think her son would have wanted them there). Grief is SO personal and some need anger and to hate someone to try and need to make it a lifelong fight in memory of their loved on to get over it, and others have this need to forgive as a tribute to their kids personality and because they want positive to come out of that story.

I have had some traumatic events and stuff done to me and I found peace in forgiveness as hard as it was, would I forgive if someone killed a loved one of mine? It depends context is everything, an accident? Of course, cold-blooded murder with sexual assault? I doubt I ever could.

I would want my family to feel anger but eventually let go of it and find peace in forgiving, not sure I would want them and my murderer to become friends (especially if it was cold-blooded) though I wouldn't mind them befriending the parents as long as they didn't condone their child's action. Parents of murderer are definitely one of the many victims in that type of story and I can't even imagine how they must feel.

Could I forgive them, no I couldn't.

Would I blame the parents, in the case of terrorists then yes I would.

Letting go of the hurt and anger is a totally different thing from not wanting vengeance.
I am angry and hurt by what someone did to me and my children. Vengeance has never, ever once crossed my mind.
I don't forgive them.

I don't think I would be capable of thinking of them and not remembering what they did or what their offspring did. And some say that is the true test of forgiveness.

I think I could get to the point, on a good day, of not wishing them harm. But that would be a very good day.

I wouldn't want any contact with them, that is for sure.

The father of the Bataclan shooter hasn't killed anyone. So don't see why it is out of the question that they should have contact. They are probably united in grief. They have both lost a child, although in different ways. some people need to forgive in order to be able to go on with their lives. If someone killed my daughter there is no hope in hell that I would forgive such a thing. Ever. We are all different.

If you are making a film about this, OP, look at the parents of Nahshon Waxman. He was murdered by terrorists, and in the years after, his parents took very different approaches to how they moved on with their lives. I seem to think there was an interview where his mother admitted that she's struggled with her husband's involvement in interfaith and restoration justice work, but that ultimately, she accepted that this was how, for him, it was the best way to deal with his grief.

Both parents are the victim of this crime. I can't imagine the turmoil of knowing your child became a killer.

I couldn't forgive the person who did it. I could forgive their parents if they were disgusted by the crime. I'd feel a certain level of sadness for them too. Especially if they took the stance that they couldn't have a relationship with their child because what they'd done