To forgive the person who killed your child

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I'm not sure if anyone else saw this article recently but I found it fascinating, especially as I'm working on a film project at the moment which tackles similar issues.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/son-bataclan-terrorist-daughter-killed-now-written-book-together/

Essentially the father of one of the victims at the Bataclan terrorist attack has befriended the father of one of the terrorists and they have written a book together.

Do you think you could ever forgive the person who killed your child? I can't imagine ever having the strength to forgive someone who had done it deliberately (aka the terrorist themselves).

But what about the parent of that person? Or if someone had done so accidentally (like a car accident)?

The worst hypothetical to imagine I know, but the strength of some people amazes me. I don't know if I'd have it in me.

The father should have brought him up better, don't understand this at all

How long does that process of forgiveness even take. I know my instinct if someone ever hurt my baby even if completely accidental would be pure rage. Would everyone agree? Though the pain of having all that anger I'm sure would eventually die down but it feels unimaginable for me. And then to go further and be friends with that person. Maybe it's a certain type of individual who can be that strong !

Nope. I would want them dead myself.

@shinyredbus I hear you! But I'm not sure I have the ability to actually murder someone back in my bones. I'm a good person! Maybe I think that's what i want.

I think it depends on the circumstances.

Some of these terrorists are so very young and idealistic and they have been radicalised and twisted to evil despite the best efforts of their families. Some of them I feel are victims too.

@DevastatedandDistraught @Apolloanddaphne - so sorry for your losses

I have never been in the situation and don't think you can say for sure until you have been

However, I do think forgiveness does not necessarily have to be about the person you are forgiving and I don't agree they have to ask for it or that it cannot be bestowed upon someone who hasn't requested it

I have known people forgive others without even telling them they are forgiven - it's not about them, it's about the wronged person making an active decision that they do not want to live with that level of hatred, fury, bitterness and anger inside them

Forgiving someone does not mean it didn't happen - it did
It doesn't mean they were right - they weren't
It doesn't mean you have to forget - you won't

It's about doing something for you - letting it go so that you can move on in a positive way and not allowing what they did to continue to hurt you day in day out

No, never.

Nope. I will never forgive the dr whose error led to my daughter’s death. Ever.

Gordon Wilson became a peace campaigner after his daughter died in the Enniskillen bomb in the 1980s - I think he did once say he forgave the killers. Tim and Wendy Party set up a peace foundation after their son was killed by an ira bomb at 12 in Warrington in the early 1990s. I’ve always massively admired them for this but not sure I could do it.

I salute them . Whilst their grief will never abate to forgive is a beautiful thing

Not a chance, unless it was one of my other dc who accidentally did it.

No. I couldn’t.

I don't have any children. But if someone killed my mum, I would forgive them. Because she is a Christian and she would want me to. It would be easier for me if they were sorry and especially if they did jail time too. It would be harder to forgive if they were unrepentant and unpunished. Or if they were particularly intentional and cruel rather than, say it "just" being a negligent or reckless act. Although someone once said sometimes you need to accept an apology you have never received.

Remember that young white far right male who went into a black church in the US, stayed for the prayer group,and then shot as many as he could?

At his arraignment / trial, the victims families were given a chance to speak and they forgave him, prayed for him and asked the judge for the judge not to invoke the death penalty.

the footage is soMe of the most meaningful and moving stuff I have ever seen.

Those who could not forgive apologised for not being sold to,forgive and said they were a “work in progress”, hoped to be able to,forgive in due course and still prayed for the young man.

letting it go so that you can move on in a positive way and not allowing what they did to continue to hurt you day in day out

Its perfectly possible to move on in a positive way and to not hurt day in and day out without forgiving someone. You can actually live your life not feeling anything for the person.

@Gwynfluff I’ll never forget Gordon Wilson words after his daughter Marie was killed at Enniskillen:
In an interview with the BBC, Wilson described with anguish his last conversation with his daughter and his feelings toward her killers: "She held my hand tightly, and gripped me as hard as she could. She said, 'Daddy, I love you very much.' Those were her exact words to me, and those were the last words I ever heard her say." To the astonishment of listeners, Wilson went on to add, "But I bear no ill will. I bear no grudge. Dirty sort of talk is not going to bring her back to life. She was a great wee lassie. She loved her profession. She was a pet. She's dead. She's in heaven and we shall meet again. I will pray for these men tonight and every night."

I do wonder when I read stories about parents saying they forgive their child’s killers, especially adult children, if the victim would actually agree with their forgiveness. I wouldn’t feel I had a right to forgive someone for taking someone else’s life, let alone my own child’s, when that person doesn’t have a say in it obviously because they’re dead! Difficult to articulate but it would definitely feel like I was betraying them.

I’m sorry but I certainly would be looking to the family as well, especially in terms of terrorists, as to how they were raised to behave like that. In the same way I look at myself if one of my children killed someone.

Forgiveness is definitely overrated. I feel much more at peace since I realised I don’t have to forgive my mother for the things she did to me. I DO hope she burns in hell and feel all the better for thinking like that!

I think forgiveness is wonderful if you can do it, but no one should feel that they have to or that they're failing by not forgiving. Why forgive? It's partly for the person that you forgive but it is more for you because it stops you having to carry around the hatred which can destroy a person.

I honestly don't know if I could forgive. I hope I could but I'm not sure I would. Actually, scrub that. I almost certainly wouldn't. I was abused as a teenager and although the perpetrator is long dead I still hate his guts, so clearly I am not a forgiving person. I have nothing but respect for people who can do it.

@maggiecate - yep, there’s something incredible to me in the ability to see beyond what had happened.

But do hear all the posters who can’t forgive and their reasons. I actually feel more attuned to those feelings.

No, I rarely forgive.

When l lived in Ireland in the eighties a young boy went missing from a park one night and the whole area and gards were out for days and nights searching with his distraught parents. I think he was only 7or 8 from memory. I'll try find a link but a long time ago. They found his body hidden a few days later not far from the park, he'd been beaten badly. It turned out to be a local older teenage boy that had done it, he had some MH issues or drugs or something from what l can remember.

He was convicted and on the steps of the court in Dublin the victims parents were making a statement and the dad noticed the killers dad walking away unnoticed and sobbing. He went over to him, hugged him and said we've both lost a son. We knew a gard at the time a close family friend who told us about this with tears in his eyes as he'd been at court and involved in the search. Awful tragic incident but l remember thinking how beautiful that was. You always seem to see or hear about beautiful moments of humanity in the midst of the worst ones.

I think forgiveness is about what's going on in your own head. It's about letting go of any negative emotions you have towards someone or something. I think sometimes people liken it to absolving someone, but it's not.

What I hate, however, is the snide implication sometimes that everyone has to forgive

I agree.

Personally I think the benefit of forgiveness is mostly for the forgiver, in not carrying that burden of hate around. But it is horrible how the media want to impose forgiveness of people who are really not anywhere near a stage where that miracle could happen.

My DM (and another woman) were killed in a car accident driven by my DM's partner. He lost concentration. I can never forgive him although logically I know it was an accident. My child? Never.