To forgive the person who killed your child

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I'm not sure if anyone else saw this article recently but I found it fascinating, especially as I'm working on a film project at the moment which tackles similar issues.

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/son-bataclan-terrorist-daughter-killed-now-written-book-together/

Essentially the father of one of the victims at the Bataclan terrorist attack has befriended the father of one of the terrorists and they have written a book together.

Do you think you could ever forgive the person who killed your child? I can't imagine ever having the strength to forgive someone who had done it deliberately (aka the terrorist themselves).

But what about the parent of that person? Or if someone had done so accidentally (like a car accident)?

The worst hypothetical to imagine I know, but the strength of some people amazes me. I don't know if I'd have it in me.

No.

Have you read the book or seen interviews? The Dads have a lot in common, and the terrorist’s dad is basically the model immigrant turned good by French standards. I sympathise with both of them.

I don't know what forgiveness is. I've read around it a bit because it interests me. I know it's not saying It Doesn't Matter and it appears to be some expression of compassion for the wrongdoer. But forgiveness isn't just compassion. What is it?
In this case, I don't even think it is the father's to give. It's his child who was the victim, not him.
No- I wouldn't 'forgive' anyone who intentionally harmed my child, and I resent the implication that you're strong if you forgive, so are you weak if you don't ??? No. You have every every right to acknowledge your hurt/ anger/ pain/ injustice for as long as you like and it doesn't make you a lesser person in any way.

To clarify I don't think I would blame the parents in any situation, but I do think it takes immense strength to come together and do something like write a book. Definitely must be cathartic for them.

I was more interested in generally how forgiving you would be I guess. I've seen a few things like it in the news recently - there was also a story about a girl who killed her best friend with a javelin in a PE lesson. The parents of the girl who died were instantly forgiving. Also makes a lot of sense, because it was an accident, and they were friends, but also must be a hard thing to do when grieving.

@DevastatedandDistraught I'm so sorry for your loss also

@GrumpyHoonMain I agree and yes I've seen interviews but not read the book. It just opened up a whole train of thought to me, especially as I'm working on something about forgiveness and what that means

@Prepenultimate interesting and you're so right - why should one be a strong response and the other weak. (Maybe that's my Catholic upbringing seeping in!)

My DD was killed by someone. He killed himself afterwards so I guess I didn't have to do any forgiving, but I have never been angry at him or his mother. It wasn't her fault. I decided from day one there was no point looking backwards and always focussed on the present and the future. It was hard but has helped me move forward with a positive attitude.

I think that you would never get over losing a child, in a sense. But learning to cope with what has happened might involve letting go of some of the negative emotions and some sort of forgiveness could be part of that.

Also, the bereaved dads might have a lot in common. They have experienced a special sort of pain and loss which people around them might struggle to understand. They might therefore be able to help each other in particular ways.

I wouldn’t forgive ever. Because I love my children.
I wouldn’t blame the killers parents unless they too were awful people.

If I was killed, I’d be fuming in the afterlife if my parents forgave the killer

Look up Amy Biehl. She was an American activist, killed by a mob during political unrest in Cape Town in the nineties. Her parents set up a foundation and two of her killers now work for that foundation.

My late MIL told me once she had to forgive the man who killed her son (and his fiance and her best friend) as if she did not do so she was constantly living with this hatred inside her and it stopped her from mourning and grieving for her son stopped her from remembering him the way he was.

I always thought that was very profound I had not linked the 2 but I do see how they go together.

As it is my children know about the uncle from stories grandma and dad told them.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.independent.ie/lifestyle/embrace-for-her-daughters-killer-26459897.html

I could never forgive the person who killed a child.

Their parent....it depends. If they had spent 15 years indoctrinating them to believe religion is worth more than a human life, or that terrorism ever got anyone anywhere, no. I'd put my efforts into trying to have them convicted.

Anything else would feel like a betrayal to me.

I remember watching a programme and one of the stories was about an accident on a motorway. A young driver who was going to fast and got caught out by glare he caused a major accident that killed a young child who was in a car with his mother.

In the end the mother wrote a letter to the court against giving him a prison sentence. She said he was young and reckless but by all accounts otherwise a good person with a job and fiancé. She said that a prison sentence could ruin his life and that did not want her sons legacy to be the downward spiral of this mans life. I still get emotional thinking about it.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/jul/28/tariq-jahan-sons-death-2011-riots-birmingham

Happened not far from me.

I’m related to someone who did something abhorrent (not going to go into details but it involved a death). It’s a very very weird position to be in as you’re seen as associated when, at least in my situation, I’m really not. The guilty person tricked everyone - his victims family, his victim and his own family. I’m in no way comparing what we’ve been through with his victim or their family but their family have made a number of statements about my relative (fine) and my family which I feel uncomfortable with, we didn’t have a part in what happened and were taken in too. That said they were grieving when they made them so I can’t criticise them for doing so.

I’d like to think that this experience has meant I would have the capacity to be forgiving if I found myself on the other side. Realistically though I don’t think any of us can say how we’d feel in that situation. Luckily it is a rare one - but like a lot of extreme circumstances, I don’t know how I’d react until it happened. I have a sneaking suspicion I’d be flat out vengeful even despite my experience.

I would never forgive the person responsible. Their parent? well it depends, were they a neglectful drug taking arsehole who abused their child and thus setting in place a chain of events that led to my own childs death then no, I would hold them equally responsible. If I saw them as loving, kind parents who despite doing their best somehow raised a child that 'went off the rails' then yes, I would. I don't care about the wrongs and rights of that.

The title is somewhat misleading, this isn't a parent forgiving their child's killer: this is two parents who have lost their children too, and lives destroyed by, terrorism.

If my child was murdered I couldn't forgive the killer. I could forgive their family if they were as innocent as my child.
If my child was killed in an accident I'd try my hardest to forgive. I want to be able to remember my child, to mourn and grieve, without the constant hate and anger.

I can’t generalise about this at all, it’s totally ‘case by case’ for me

I think it's perfectly possible.

My child was sexually assaulted and it wrought so much damage. However, the individual that did it had significant special needs, didn't understand the consequences of his actions, reacted to a situation with no concept or thought. Am I angry? Damned right. Do I want him to suffer? No.

I'm angry at a flawed system that didn't protect my child and didn't have support and supervision for the individual who needed monitoring. Blaming the individual wasn't helpful and only messed with my stress levels.

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/oct/02/amish-shooting-10-year-anniversary-pennsylvania-the-happening

I remember when there was the Amish school shooting in the US and they instantly forgave the shooter, my dad saying he didn't think he'd have the strength to forgive if it had been me. Reading the article, the Amish didn't just forgive the killer, but helped his widow and are still in touch with her.

I wouldn’t say he has done this collaboration with the murderers family to find forgiveness within himself, but more as a way of counselling himself through the awful atrocity of loosing his child. Seems he is looking for some kind of understanding as to why this happened and trying to move forward in a positive way. I do admire anyone who can do this, don’t think I could 🙄

I suppose it depends on if the parent played some part in raising their child with warped ideals, inculcating extremism and encouraging acts of terrorism as positive action etc. I don't doubt parents are often oblivious to their offspring's plans and mindset but some families have had a role in validating extreme views which led to terrorism.

Forgiveness is overrated. If holding onto it isn't toxic for you then I don't see why you should. I don't think it's as cathartic or releasing as we're led to believe.