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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents VS Nursery

103 replies

UnicornDust219 · 13/02/2020 10:29

Newbie here - I wasn't sure if this was bet posted in Childcare or AIBU so hopefully I've chosen correctly! Sorry if this is long...

I've recently returned back to work full time from mat leave and my DH works full time too. Both sets of parents are retired and currently my parents have our LO 1 day a week, his parents have LO for 3 days and he is in Nursery for the remaining 1 day. We are living with his parents at present as we are trying to save for a mortgage and plan on being for another 12-18 months, which everyone has said they are OK with.

Initially I was happy with the arrangement but I feel a little differently having been back at work for a few weeks now. DH's parents are doing a majority of the caring so that we can save money which I am extremely grateful for, but from what I have seen they aren't able to do much with him, so he is left playing on the floor on his own or watching nursery rhyme cartoons on TV for a lot of the day.

I figured perhaps 3 days a week to look after a child is a lot so have mentioned to DH about LO being put into Nursery for an extra day, however he has said that it's a waste of money as his parents have offered and have said they are fine. I've tried explaining that I feel LO would benefit a lot more from Nursery an extra day and it eases the pressure from his parents a bit but DH is convinced that we are throwing away valuable 'saving' money.

What do you all think and what is everyone's experience of grandparents Vs Nursery? AIBU?

OP posts:
CakeandCustard28 · 13/02/2020 10:46

I’d put him in nursery for the extra day, but you then risk upsetting them and rocking the boat. They might feel like you don’t trust them. It’s really down to you and if you want to take that risk. Or have a quiet word and suggest when the weather starts getting nicer if they could take him to toddler groups? Park? Gardening centres? Etc.

Lobbilob · 13/02/2020 10:49

I don't have kids myself, although I'm due my first in March so have been given lots of advice!

Advice in general, sending to babies to nursery is really important for their own development and to put them in more rather than less.
I get that your DH would rather save the money to do more for yourselves but if it's financially possible I would say putting baby in for an extra day or so would be good for baby and should be your priority rather than extra money for a holiday!

Geminijes · 13/02/2020 10:51

By putting him in the nursery for an extra day will mean you won't be saving as much towards a deposit so you will be living with your in laws for longer than planned.

Weigh up whether you want to move into your own home within 12 -18 months or put your son into nursery an extra day and live at your in laws for longer where they will have more influence over your son and his care.

Floopyandtired · 13/02/2020 10:53

How old is your LO? I always think it’s best for young children to be in a home environment as much as possible... however, saying that if all your LO is doing is spending time indoors watching tv that can’t be very stimulating. In those circumstances I would also up nursery to 2 days a week. Have you considered a child minder? If money is a concern they are often cheaper and have a more home-like setting. Good luck whatever you decide.

LolaLollypop · 13/02/2020 10:57

I would absolutely put him in for the extra day. My DD goes to nursery 3 days a week, 1 day with grandparents and 1 with me. It's a great mix of what she needs.
By contrast my friends little boy is with his grandparents 4 out of 5 days and the contrast is remarkable (they are the same age - a week apart). From walking, talking, cognitive progression, interaction with other adults/children etc, the boy who doesn't go to nursery is definitely behind.
I think it's great when grandparents can help but sometimes it's not all about saving money. Your little one is growing massively atm both physically and mentally and they really do need more stimulation than being left in front of the tv or playing with the same toys every day.

StrongTea · 13/02/2020 11:01

Have they got plenty of craft items, jigsaws etc? Maybe just need a few new ideas of things to do.

tiddlerthefish · 13/02/2020 11:01

Putting a very young child in nursery is not better for their development Hmm It's not worse either it's fine for them to be in nursery if you have to work but being in a home environment with loving and engaged care givers is just as beneficial. Children can learn all they need to as babies being at home. Once they get to preschool age (3ish) then they benefit from the socialisation that a nursery or playgroup gives.

OP do you think they'd be able to manage taking baby to a group once or twice a week that you could offer to pay for? They're usually only a couple of pounds. That might break up the day. I wouldn't be overjoyed about them being plonked in front of a tv all day, but honestly playing on the floor with toys at this age is fine so long as they aren't being ignored. What would you be doing with your child if you were at home and not at work?

Flumpywoo · 13/02/2020 11:06

When I went back to work and my LO was 10.5 months old, my MIL looked after her 2 days a week, she was in nursery 2 days and I had Friday's off. We were extremely grateful for the free childcare, but like you, felt that she wasn't doing much with her initially, although they did go out to the park one day, but it wasn't really varied. MIL can drive but would literally stay in our local area, never going to a farm or somewhere else a bit different, with a lot of time just being indoors. After a while they started going to a toddler class one day a week and lunch after with a friend, so that put my mind at ease.

When she turned 3, we added nursery one of those afternoons (so she attended 2.5 days), as we wanted to prepare her for school and my LO loved the interaction and variety of activities there.

Perhaps find a local toddler group they could attend on one of the days, which means they have to get out of the house for some fresh air. I do think 3 days not doing much is possibly too much.

You could even suggest to your husband that your LO goes to nursery for 2 days in say 6 months time, as a compromise, so you can keep saving in that time.

Good luck with it all, it's hard being a first time mum and not knowing what to do for the best!

HarryRug · 13/02/2020 11:09

You say you’re just back at work from maternity leave. Is your DC around 12 months? Or younger? At this age home environment is great. DC needs naps, a healthy diet and is probably just working out his coordination to walk and maybe speak a little. The day he does with other grandparents and in nursery is already a lot of shifting about for him. As he develops you can get him some more interesting toys and as weather gets better he can go outside more. Your DC is not going to be damaged in any way from being his grandparents. How much stimulation do you think a young child needs? Can he speak? Can he walk? What does he do at nursery that is so important he can’t fit it in all one one day? I went back to work when DC1 was 6 months old thanks to DC’s grandparents. This is a first world problem. In other countries the children don’t start structured learning until they’re 7 years old.

NotYourHun · 13/02/2020 11:10

My little boy (1.5) does three days with my parents (two with just my dad as he’s retired and one with both of them). I only work three days. He’s socially, and linguistically well ahead of his peers. Was a late walker but so was DH. I don’t think he’d be any better off for being at nursery tbh. He’s about to start going one day per week because my dad is knackered and nursery have been so impressed with how chilled and chatty he is at his settle sessions. So I don’t necessarily think grandparent care hinders development. But I do think it depends how active and involved they are. Could they take your LO to toddler groups for example? They could still sit down with a cuppa!

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 13/02/2020 11:11

Can you or DH consolidate your hours and have him for one day? DH and I both do full time over 4 days, so he has a day in the week with each of us, one day with each grandma and a day at nursery, were lucky that the grandparents are fit and active though he spends more time at the park, beach or out and about than at home with them whatever the weather is like. I take him to music group on my day off and DH takes him to swimming lessons, it's nice to have 121 time with him too

Alanna1 · 13/02/2020 11:12

Have you spoken with them? I do think communication is key!

How old is your LO and what are the other options around you?

Some ideas though...

Firstly you could buy suitable things for their house for your LO or packs that deliver to them (eg toy subscription packs, magazine packs etc) - so that they get regular change without too much clutter! Cbeebies magazine has a changing array of things and they have an arts and crafts one too.

Secondly, do any of the childcare providers in your area have “morning” sessions? You could see if you could put your LO in for the morning and then they pick up at lunchtime.

Thirdly, you could find things they like to take your LO too that you pay for - membership to a local facility, enrolled in pre school dance or pre school swimming if they’ll swim with LO, etc.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 13/02/2020 11:14

We also have a no screen time rule that grandparents were happy to follow, we do make the odd exception eg if he's poorly but not being used to it he's not fussed about TV anyway

myself2020 · 13/02/2020 11:17

I would go for an extra day of nursery. Watching tv all day isn’t great, and having a child 3 days a week is an awful lot!

AJPTaylor · 13/02/2020 11:19

How old is the child?
Under 2 I would leave it. It Will do no harm at all. You could start planting the idea that at 2 he will go a bit more.

Thelnebriati · 13/02/2020 11:25

Nursery does so much for their personal development, playing alone and watching TV might be free but your DH needs to consider his role as a parent goes further than just bringing in money.

crustycrab · 13/02/2020 11:31

"the boy who doesn't go to nursery is definitely behind" 🙄🙄

Can't roll my eyes hard enough at you. What a stupid thing to say. All children develop differently at different stages. Both my children had the exact same childcare experiences and developed at different rates.

One walked at 11 months, the other couldn't even sit properly then. One talked at 9/10 months the other was 2.

You do know your PFB isn't better than the other kids don't you Hmm

Bibidy · 13/02/2020 11:34

I think it's difficult as if they are doing you a favour then you sort of have to accept the way they do things, unless there is danger of course.

Are you sure they are doing as little as you suspect with her?

I'd potentially invest in some puzzles and games and give them to PIL to play with her if you're concerned, plus books to read.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/02/2020 11:37

Grandparents arent an option for me but comparatively to a childminder this is why I opted for a nursery. I didnt want my LO fitting in to someone else's day, plonked in front of the tv etc. I wanted activities with a child development focus and lots of other children.
I'd opt for the additional day,

MotherofKitties · 13/02/2020 11:38

Hi OP,

I'd put him in nursery for an extra day. I know my DD gets so much out of it, they get to interact with children their own age, they learn through play, and make their own little friends which is really important for their social development.

Discuss it further with your DP, but you might find if you do put your LO in nursery for an extra day your in-laws may have more energy to do more 'things' with your LO on the days that they do have him x

sunshinesupermum · 13/02/2020 11:39

Depending on the age of your DILs and your LO 3 days a week could just be too much for them?

Do they take him to any baby and toddler groups? Just once would definitely be good for him socially and break up the day for them all.

If you are saving for your own place you might just have to grin and bear it so that your move out is sooner rather than later. Being at home with his DGP will not harm him in any way and as long as they interact with him most of the time he will still progress.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 13/02/2020 11:39

As a general rule Nursery for very young children is definitely not the best for their development - they need secure relationships with a small number of adults. However, if the DGP aren't doing anything with her then Nursery may be a better option.

nokidshere · 13/02/2020 11:41

Children do not need to go to nursery in order to aid development. You need to communicate with your in laws about their days with your child that's all.

How do you know what they are doing when you aren't there? Most things that you would do with a baby last less than 10 minute slots because that's about their maximum concentration span.

Presumably, since you are living with them, all of your child's toys etc are available all the time. Talk to them about what your child is doing, maybe arrange a couple of 'clubs' to get them out of the house regularly if it makes you feel better.

But, if your child is happy and meeting his milestones he's probably doing just fine.

PineappleCocktail · 13/02/2020 11:47

It very much depends on the age of the child. Up until 2 years they're fine pottering around the house with the odd little walk to feed the ducks or out to the park. After 2 then nursery is a great benefit to them.

LolaLollypop · 13/02/2020 11:47

You do know your PFB isn't better than the other kids don't you

What other kids? I'm comparing two children born at the same time, one spends 4 days pretty much in front of the TV at grandparents house and the other has a mixed week of childcare that includes nursery.

Perhaps my phrasing was wrong - it's not solely nursery that can offer growth but interaction with other adults and children (I.e childminder or playgroup) is very important for progression imo.