Grandparents VS Nursery

[UnicornDust219]

Newbie here - I wasn't sure if this was bet posted in Childcare or AIBU so hopefully I've chosen correctly! Sorry if this is long...

I've recently returned back to work full time from mat leave and my DH works full time too. Both sets of parents are retired and currently my parents have our LO 1 day a week, his parents have LO for 3 days and he is in Nursery for the remaining 1 day. We are living with his parents at present as we are trying to save for a mortgage and plan on being for another 12-18 months, which everyone has said they are OK with.

Initially I was happy with the arrangement but I feel a little differently having been back at work for a few weeks now. DH's parents are doing a majority of the caring so that we can save money which I am extremely grateful for, but from what I have seen they aren't able to do much with him, so he is left playing on the floor on his own or watching nursery rhyme cartoons on TV for a lot of the day.

I figured perhaps 3 days a week to look after a child is a lot so have mentioned to DH about LO being put into Nursery for an extra day, however he has said that it's a waste of money as his parents have offered and have said they are fine. I've tried explaining that I feel LO would benefit a lot more from Nursery an extra day and it eases the pressure from his parents a bit but DH is convinced that we are throwing away valuable 'saving' money.

What do you all think and what is everyone's experience of grandparents Vs Nursery? AIBU?

The other kids the same age as the 2 year olds you are comparing and labelling one as "behind". Sure PFB is very "advanced" though You've no idea why the two children are at different stages in their development.

Deciding if, when and where your children go to nursery is a very personal thing. Whatever you choose to do you get some smug mums judging your choices and they rarely get called out on the things they're saying. Usually designed to make other mums feel like shit.

Yes your wording was wrong, and it gave away exactly what you think!

How old it the baby? That is the fundamental thing here. As you have just gone back after maternity leave then I'm assuming that he is 1 or thereabouts. If so it isn't going to do him any harm to just be with his grandparents at home. Until relatively recently in society children would routinely be at home with parents until they went to school at 5. Children would just be at home whilst (usually Mum) did housework etc. At this age being loved and looked after is what he needs not constant socialisation. As the weather improves presumably the grandparents will take him out and about more.

The boy who doesn't go to nursery is definitely behind.
In this sample of two children... who knows maybe the boy would be behind even if he was at nursery. You definitely cant say whether it's the childcare situation which has affected his cognitive and other development.
My daughter has never been in nursery and is on a par if not ahead of her same age peers in terms of development. That doesnt mean I can say nursery is good, bad or otherwise. Individual cases are irrelevant

@crustycrab what are you on about?

OP has asked whether an extra day in nursery would be more beneficial for her child as opposed to a day with GP who don't interact in the way she'd like them to.

I'm not comparing the world's 2 year old with my DD!

I would keep him with his grandparents, personally - unless he seems unhappy there? I'm really not keen on children under 2 being sent to nursery unless there's no other option though.

He can be stimulated plenty at home - painting, crafts, messy play, simple puzzles, baking, popping up the road on scooter/trike, playing in the garden with bubbles. My DM had DD1 two days per week when I worked and they did this kind of stuff every day, DD absolutely loved it.

"the contrast is remarkable (they are the same age - a week apart). From walking, talking, cognitive progression, interaction with other adults/children etc, the boy who doesn't go to nursery is definitely behind."

Really? Read what you've written. You probably don't even realise or care that you'll be saying these things out loud to your friend/other mums.

It's entirely possible and probable that they are both developing just fine and by the time they are 6 there will be no difference in them whatsoever.

It's also possible that one will need constant stimulation as they get older and will exhaust themselves, take unnecessary risks to achieve that stimulation. It's possible that the other will be content with playing board games and reading on a rainy day without getting ants in their pants.

Having been that grandparent I think 3 days is too much and this should be the only reason you give them for the exrtra day in nursery, perhaps for sicialisation wuth other children. Do not criticise their care. It is exhausting and FREE. They are doing a massive thing housing you so I hope you are genuinely grateful for the money they are saving you. Please dont risk offending by rocking the boat about their care

@crustycrab i don't want to hijack OP thread so this will be my last post.

If I could change my original post I would - my wording was wrong and I apologise.

What I do believe though is that young children need interaction with peers/other people. I stand by that. Whatever setting that happens to be in - nursery, local groups or similar aged friends. I don't think spending their days in front of the tv will benefit them and in the specific case of the OP, in my opinion, I'd do the extra day at nursery.

Some very mixed opinions - thank you for everyone's advice!

LO has just turned 9 months old. I have offered to pay for baby/toddler groups but MIL has said that she can't/won't take LO as she can't sit on the floor due to her health and 'doesn't really believe in them' (she often laughed and scoffed when I took LO to Baby Massage/Baby Sensory).

FIL drives but she doesn't, so she takes him out for walks during the day but they don't tend to go out in the car.

In terms of buying things to keep LO entertained I have bought a playpen and a ball pool to try and help but it hasn't been used at all. They have said that they will take him out when the weather gets better but I really can't see it happening.

A personal gripe of mine is LO's food - He enjoys Sandwiches and Finger Foods/trying to feed himself but MIL is so scared of him choking that she won't give him either (despite me asking and knowing he is OK with them) so he is still on purees of the same foods whenever he is with them.

Perhaps I am expecting too much? I just don't know!

None of my children went to a nursery until their 3 Yr old funding started... They are bright and academically advanced for their ages.
You're not competing with anybody, who cares if at 18 moths Bob down the road walked and talked sooner?? It literally makes zero difference in the longer run.
I would invest some money in crafts, table toys, puzzles, books etc for grandparents to do with your child. Though if you've just returned from Mat leave I'm imagining your child can't be much more than one, in which case they will be absolutely fine as is for a good while yet. So much competition and pushing young kids into child care these days... We never did as children!

Personally I'd save the money and get out of in laws house all the sooner!

one of the reasons my son goes to nursery is cuz I know he'd be left alone to play or watch tv if I left him with DFIL. Is there any chance you can encourage them to do baby groups/go to the park/soft play etc now that the weather it's meant to be nicer might be a good start to be going out more rather than staying indoors.

experts recommend no tv time below 2 years so not sure "it won't do him any harm to be left watching tv" whether it's wise. also does it do any benefit?

if they dont start doing more things with him than def. I'd be sending him to nursery more days

Yanbu op. I would definitely put him into nursery for a few days in fact.
It would really bother me that they are not doing much with him and keeping him on purees.
Those two issues alone would be dealt with at nursery.
They wont even take him to a baby group that you would organise!
I would put him in nursery for at least one extra day and then up that as he is growing.

Only just 9 months? Ah, no there won't be much benefit at nursery at that age. Not compared to the amount of money you could save towards your home.

Are you feeding his breakfast/evening meal? Let MIL see that he's fine with what you are giving him and gradually she'll get there with that. He's still very very young.

At 9 months personally my priority would be getting the living situation sorted and some independence. But if you'd feel happier could you compromise with a half day to start with? See how he settles?

In light of your update OP I'd probably use nursery another day, or could your Mum do another day?

Not because I think nursery is better for development etc (I don't, I'm a SAHM) but because the GPs seem reluctant to do anything with him at all. If he were with engaged relatives I'd feel differently. Tbh at 9m they don't need much stimulation/active playing, they're too young really for baking/crafts etc. But if they find it all too much to entertain a non mobile (or doesn't move fast/far!) 9m old then heaven help them when he's an energetic 18m old (believe me, I have one and have an older child too!). You may well find that in 6 months time he's too much for them to cope with. They won't be able to keep him cooped up in the house all day long then. They're like puppies, they need regular exercise and fresh-airing or they'll never go to bloody sleep...!

You can't force them to feed him food that they're not comfortable with, but by 9m he should be able to manage a bit of texture, and can by what you've said. Three days is half of his week it's quite a while for him still to be eating baby food. Mine were eating toast at that age (and I was a purée feeder too, no blw here). It is actually beneficial for them to be moving on to normal food textures at this stage of weaning.

Actually Tiddler makes a very important point! This child will only get more active, the benefit of nursery in your situation would be that he's settled and used to it well before they realise they can't cope!

I think if your gut is telling you to put him in nursery for an extra day, then I would definitely do that. It certainly won't do any harm to have an extra day at nursery x

I wouldn’t bother with an extra day of nursery. He’ll be fine on the floor and with some tv. I know lots of people have massive issues with tv but your DS is in a safe, comfortable and loving environment. If the tv is always on the likelihood is that it will become like any other toy and no longer or such interest. Before long he will be very active and keeping him indoors day after day will be difficult which will naturally mean your PIL have to take him out or else more days at nursery will be suggested and agreed to.

My DC4 is ten months old spends his entire week days going on the school run and napping. There isn’t any time for groups or to worry about his development. Yet despite this, he is already toddling and says a few words. When I think of the thousands I spent on certain groups to develop my older children, I’m really embarrassed and now believe they all get there in their own time and are happy wherever they are as long as they have loving cuddles and attention.

As for food, feed him breakfast and dinner yourself. One lunchtime of purée won’t last long as his appetite develops and by watching you PIL will hopefully be more confident.

I'm torn OP. He is young, but on the other hand the care they are giving him isn't very good. A good nursery would be doing a better job.

So actually, yes, I would be putting him in for the extra day.

I’d keep him with his grandparents

I work 3 days & my dc went to a childminder from age 1-3 for 2 days. I didn't need to as both gps are hands on but I think it's good for them to be around other dc. Some time with gps is nice though.

Hes only 9 months old, so won't be gaining much from nursery - they dont "interact" with other children at that age at all.

I think being able to buy a house when he is 2 and have your own space will be more beneficial to him in the long run than having an extra day at nursery now.

They normally say to get the benefit from/settle better at nursery you need to be there more than one day a week, so you could use that argument.

I too would be wondering how they are going to cope when your DC is slightly older and more mobile and active

There's some that say having two days at nursery makes it easier for them to settle in there than one day per week, so that's a possible reason you could use if you didn't want to offend the grandparents.

It's a dilemma though. I wouldn't be happy at purées or the tv on constantly as I don't think either are necessary at that age. I'm in the fortunate position that my mum does one day a week and she puts lots of effort into thinking of fun things she can play with my 1 year old. But, she's walking and very active and it's knackering for me let alone someone who's older - 3 days really is an awful lot. But on the other hand it's comforting to know they are being looked after by a loving family member. And if you aren't concerned for their wellbeing or health then perhaps don't rock the boat, they don't really need much entertainment as such at that age, everything is fascinating to them!

I would maybe have a chat with them about the tv and say you'd prefer they didn't have it on so the baby doesn't end up getting used to it, and is there anything you can provide for them to keep your baby occupied and entertained to make life easier for them?

Hes only 9 months old, so won't be gaining much from nursery - they dont "interact" with other children at that age at all.

He wouldn't be stuck in front of a TV all day though. A good nursery will be delivering various play activities, outdoor time, feeding him better.

This is the risk you take with grandparents doing childcare. They are doing you a favour and saving you a LOT of money (just on childcare let alone the living situation) so aside from suggesting things they can do with him, buying different toys, there's not much you can do without offending them and seeming ungrateful. If you want a more stimulating environment, rearrange your own/DH working patterns or pay for childcare.

Tbh at 9months he will be fine playing with a few toys on the floor/napping all day, but I agree with PP that in 6months time he will need a lot more stimulation/fresh air and it doesn't sound like they would cope particularly well with an active toddler. I'd reassess when he's walking and running around.