Grandparents VS Nursery

[UnicornDust219]

Newbie here - I wasn't sure if this was bet posted in Childcare or AIBU so hopefully I've chosen correctly! Sorry if this is long...

I've recently returned back to work full time from mat leave and my DH works full time too. Both sets of parents are retired and currently my parents have our LO 1 day a week, his parents have LO for 3 days and he is in Nursery for the remaining 1 day. We are living with his parents at present as we are trying to save for a mortgage and plan on being for another 12-18 months, which everyone has said they are OK with.

Initially I was happy with the arrangement but I feel a little differently having been back at work for a few weeks now. DH's parents are doing a majority of the caring so that we can save money which I am extremely grateful for, but from what I have seen they aren't able to do much with him, so he is left playing on the floor on his own or watching nursery rhyme cartoons on TV for a lot of the day.

I figured perhaps 3 days a week to look after a child is a lot so have mentioned to DH about LO being put into Nursery for an extra day, however he has said that it's a waste of money as his parents have offered and have said they are fine. I've tried explaining that I feel LO would benefit a lot more from Nursery an extra day and it eases the pressure from his parents a bit but DH is convinced that we are throwing away valuable 'saving' money.

What do you all think and what is everyone's experience of grandparents Vs Nursery? AIBU?

He’s nine months old! Surely he is asleep napping for a large chunk of the day anyway. I’d wait until he is walking and then do two nursery days a week, or perhaps more if PIL can’t manage him. Best to save your money until you need to put him in childcare as you might find it won’t be long before they can’t do any days with him and you are paying for four days a week.

I think the key thing here that some people are missing is the fact that the baby doesn’t appear to be getting any sort of engagement or interaction at all when at home with the GP. It’s not a case of “engaged active caretaker at home vs nursery” - in this case there is zero desire on the part of the GP to do anything with their grandchild.

From walking, talking, cognitive progression, interaction with other adults/children etc, the boy who doesn't go to nursery is definitely behind.

You do realise that all children progress at different rates, even neurotypical children with no difficulties? You cannot possibly know that a lack of nursery time is responsible for this. My twins were very different developmentally from birth despite exactly the same environment. They are autistic and going to nursery hasn’t made any noticeable difference to their development.

Children do not need nursery to develop normally but they do need stimulation, adult attention, to listen to speech, to explore objects and the world around them, to observe their peers playing etc. Nursery helps because they do a lot of things that parents don’t do at home. Children can develop at the same rate at home but you have to put the effort in. Leaving them lying on a mat with little interaction for nearly half the week is definitely not what they need.

I would put the child into nursery another day at least.

From walking, talking, cognitive progression, interaction with other adults/children etc, the boy who doesn't go to nursery is definitely behind.

This is not true. I know some parents have a lot of guilt about putting their children into childcare from a young age and like to spout stuff like this to make themselves feel better but it’s not true. Children progress at their own rate and absolutely a child could develop quicker in a nursery than an home (like they could in a private school verses a state one). However, they also can develop quicker at home than in a nursery (just like not all private schools are better than state ones).

Discuss with your PILS? How old are they? Is it worth talking it through with your DH calmly and presenting him with the finances of another day at nursery? Ask if he knows what his PILS feel about the three days? Are they exhausted? Could your DM do another day? What back up do you have if either or both are ill?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
Did you actually visit any childminders though? It is their job, so they don't tend to just plonk charges in front of the TV and get on with their day.
My DS goes to a childminder, she has an assistant so 6 kids under 5 during the day. Her entire garden and living room is completely geared towards the kids, they have a tuff tray with sensory play on everyday and they go out unless it's torrential rain. It's just a small version of a nursery and the home from home environment I wanted whilst mine were very little. (9months-3years)

I think at 9 months there isn’t much benefit from going to nursery. They are looking after him in his own home 3 days a week so he can nap in his own cot, you can feed him breakfast and dinner so he may have purée 3 times a week. He is less likely to pick up illnesses and if he does they can look after him at home and you’re not paying for nursery when he’s not there. With the goal of saving as much as possible for a deposit I’d keep with this arrangement while he’s so young.

What days do they do? Could you make it Monday, Wednesday and Friday so he has every other day being kept busy and very stimulated followed by a more relaxed day?

As he gets older they will see the benefit of taking him to the park, shops, feed the ducks, swimming, soft play, toddler group. As he gets more mobile MIL won’t need to get on the floor with him.

You plan to have your own place in 12-18 months so by by 2 yrs 3 months, that would be a good time to go up a day at nursery before increasing again when the 3 year funding starts.

When are you looking at buying your own place? You will probably find your disposable income will be scrutinised and that extra day in childcare will lower the amount you can borrow from a mortgage provider.

I don’t think it is clear cut grandparents v nursery. At that age, I’d take engaged grandparents doing activities etc over nursery. However, if yours are just dumping the baby in front of the tv, refusing to go to groups and not feeding how you’d want, I’d go for nursery.

I’m not anti tv as my 3 year old watches far too much but I don’t turn it on at all on my days when it is just be and my 10m old. It isn’t good for them at that age. Yours is coming to an age where they will be knackering- wanting to explore everywhere, needing to be lifted etc. I spend a lot of my day on the floor when I’m at home and find going out is actually far easier. Even without your concerns, 3 days would be a lot for any grandparent- even the fit and engaged ones. I think you’d be better to plan to reduce it rather than having to find last minute childcare because they aren’t coping.

Hi OP!
Very mixed opinions here but I just thought I'd give you a different perspective. You've discussed your childcare for your five working days, presumably you have weekend days off with your baby. So your 9 month old has 4 days of varied activity with your parents, nursery and yourselves and 3 days of 'downtime' mostly about the house with ILS. IMO that downtime is essential for young children to process their week and catch up a bit. My 2 year old still needs at least 2 chill days a week about the house.
You've also said LO gets a walk on some of those 'down days'. For a 9 month old that is plenty as long as they are getting some interaction.
If I were you I'd keep it as is for now and maybe re-evaluate in 6months when it starts to not be enough.
Re. Purees as long as they are veg/balanced it won't do LO any harm to have them during the days ils are in charge. But if you feel strongly say once baby is 10months, 1year I want baby to be fed xyz. Prepare the food in advance if you have to, and reiterate every single time baby is fed purees until they keep to it (although again my 2year old occasionally has the odd shop bought puree if I'm out later thane expected and miss his tea time)

I don't know, I think as it is enabling you to help save for a house it is probably worth it, it is great of them to offer and not unreasonable really that they feel they can't do much. Have you considered a childminder? Ours was cheaper than nursery, but fantastic, especially for that kind of age. She only had 1 other under 5, and they went out everyday even to just the park, and sometimes further afield to national trust places etc. Food was also not an issue as was happy to continue with whatever we wanted. DS was very settled and happy, and it might have been a coincidence but did seem to come on leaps and bounds after starting. You could maybe afford an extra day but paying the same?

What Platform9andthreequarters says makes the most sense in your situation OP.

Grandparents and nursery aren’t the same thing. My parents will feed and clean DC but would never be confident to let them out of the house (not even to the garden) and I imagine many grandparents to be the same. The ones who actively take them out and about and do stuff with them are very few and far between. The kids end up being imprisoned in their grandparents homes for however many days per week they have them, which is really bad for their development.

Oh he's only 9 months, the most important thing is that he's safe at home with people who love him. No need for constant stimulation hothousing at that age.

No need for constant stimulation hothousing at that age.

I wouldn’t call avoiding constant TV ‘hothousing’ myself, but hey ho.

I think it’s better for him to be with the grandparents at this age (when cuddles, being chatted with and a few toys will meet his needs) than older at 2plus when they do need to be out and about more.
Formal childcare before 3 isn’t beneficial (obviously some people have to, but you don’t).
So given your differences in opinions I would stick with it so you can save faster and move out by the time he is 2.

Formal childcare before 3 isn’t beneficial

Depends on what the alternatives are though doesn’t it? Stuck indoors all day in front of tv isn’t great.

Without changing numbers of days, something you could try is mixing up the pattern. My youngest is at nursery three days and we intentionally broke those up, so that if we had ‘down’ days whilst I finished up some work from home, then they would tired out from nursery the day before and be fine with the odd chilled day.

LaurieMarlow I agree but better have 3 days a week between 9months and 2 years, than have 2 days a week from 9months to 3 years.

At 9 months at home with loving grandparents is lovely
I would open discussions about what happens as baby becomes a toddler. May be up to an extra day a week at rising 2.

Stuck indoors all day in front of tv isn’t great

It’s not but he isn’t. Granny takes him for walks and it’s winter, presumably he’ll play in the garden when the weather improves. He’s safe and loved. He gets purée for three meals out of 21 a week, when mine was little baby led weaning wasn’t a thing and he got our meals puréed for at least seven meals.

Fashions in childcare come and go but most children grow up just fine regardless of the detail.

You've had a lot of mixed responses- I think you really need decide your own view on the benefits of being in nursery vs being with gps who aren't providing the level of stimulation you think your dc needs and compare it to what the nursery are actually doing day to day which at 9 months probably isn't a lot.
Personally my view is that 9/10 children are always better off at home (pre 3 anyway) than in paid childcare. I've done a mix of both but if I had been able to wouldn't have used a nursery at all until they were 3. And my youngest who hasn't been in childcare is just as if not more advanced than dd1 at that age who was in childcare

I pay someone 14 p/h to keep my 9 month old baby mostly at home, pottering around and going out in the pram for a walk! He does go to groups, but is mostly so the nanny doesn't get too bored. I would stick with what you're doing and re-evaluate in 6 months time when the baby is bigger. My baby has puree for lunch and then a finger food tea, so everyone is happy that the he's fed properly.

One of the other questions to ask yourself is what do you think the grandparents would be doing with an 18m old and whether they really are able to do 3 active days, particularly once the baby starts getting harder to dress, do nappy changes etc. I’m amazed they can get the baby to just watch tv to be honest. That probably won’t last into early toddlerdom even if they try. I’d be more worried by a reluctance to get down on the floor.

My first definitely needed the stimulation of nursery for a few days from about 18m. I’m sure she’d have been better off at home before that.

@LolaLollypop

But all kids are different. My little boy is behind all his peers but he goes to nursery. Sometimes there's a reason, sometimes there isn't and even when there is it's likely more complicated than one thing. Your n of 1 is not a good enough sample to draw that conclusion!

If your child is still young and everyone is happy and not worn out I would save the money and wait until you get your free childcare hours. He is getting one day a week at nursery and you can make up for the rest on your days with him