Grandparents VS Nursery

[UnicornDust219]

Newbie here - I wasn't sure if this was bet posted in Childcare or AIBU so hopefully I've chosen correctly! Sorry if this is long...

I've recently returned back to work full time from mat leave and my DH works full time too. Both sets of parents are retired and currently my parents have our LO 1 day a week, his parents have LO for 3 days and he is in Nursery for the remaining 1 day. We are living with his parents at present as we are trying to save for a mortgage and plan on being for another 12-18 months, which everyone has said they are OK with.

Initially I was happy with the arrangement but I feel a little differently having been back at work for a few weeks now. DH's parents are doing a majority of the caring so that we can save money which I am extremely grateful for, but from what I have seen they aren't able to do much with him, so he is left playing on the floor on his own or watching nursery rhyme cartoons on TV for a lot of the day.

I figured perhaps 3 days a week to look after a child is a lot so have mentioned to DH about LO being put into Nursery for an extra day, however he has said that it's a waste of money as his parents have offered and have said they are fine. I've tried explaining that I feel LO would benefit a lot more from Nursery an extra day and it eases the pressure from his parents a bit but DH is convinced that we are throwing away valuable 'saving' money.

What do you all think and what is everyone's experience of grandparents Vs Nursery? AIBU?

I think its bollocks what people are saying that sticking them in a nursery improves cognitive ability. Not true, there are no facts to support this.

Absolutely, if the child is sat watching cbeebies all day every day not great. Up to you money wise. But couldn't you spend the money on forest school, swim lessons etc. You pay for and gp take them to. Then you could seem like your asking for help but you know your baby is out having fun and doing different activities.

What about a childminder? I preferred to use that option instead of a nursery until they were over 3.

I agree with the suggestion of looking to see whether there are any baby/toddler groups they could take him to. I run one, and the grandparents really appreciate taking them somewhere with a different range of toys and where they can sit down and have a cuppa. It can be a long and tiring day when you're no longer quite so young. They're unlikely to be the only grandparents.

Are they actually ignoring him? Or are they chatting to him, giving him different toys etc as they potter round the house? The latter plus a walk is plenty at 9 months old.

Don't buy the rubbish nurseries spout. In a baby room they aren't doing constant structured activities. The reality is most of the time one staff member will be changing a nappy/cleaning up posseted feed, they have observations etc to log, there's nowhere near as much one on one adult interaction a child would get in a home environment.

The fewer childcare settings the better imo.

To be honest at 9 months I think it’s fine. They don’t really need to do much so crawling around with some toys and a walk to the park is fine. That’s what most parents do. Purée for a few meals a week isn’t really an issue.

The problem will be once he becomes an active toddler. Will they step up?

Op I was quite young with my first dc and I can't stand sitting on the floor either!

I've been to loads of toddler groups and never sat on the floor

What I would do is go to some of yourself, maybe use annual leave and then when you find good ones take Mil and baby

At 10 months if I could avoid it, nursery I would do all I could to avoid it.

If child was 2.5...3..3.5 I would say yes absolutely put in for day at nursery. They can advocate.

Perhaps there’s an ‘inbetween’ solution?

Maybe you can find some fun games or toys that your PIL can do with LO? Maybe if you buy a lovely book for babies/toddlers with bedtime stories they’d like to read to him every day?
Or buy some lovely toys that they can use to play with LO?

I do understand your concerns and it’s a tough one, you don’t want to rock the boat but you’re right, 3 days is a lot for elderly people to look after a small baby! Perhaps they feel the same way and would feel relieved if you take LO to the nursery for 1 extra day. Perhaps it’s worth to have a casual chat with them about it and see what they think.

Three days a week is far too much for grandparents to be doing childcare, especially because they have a completely different approach and are not willing to try and of your perfectly reasonable requests (finger food, one or two baby groups, etc). This is the problem when people are doing childcare for free as a favour and when they are not actually trained childcare professionals, they don't follow best practice and they don't care, they think you should be grateful for the bare minimum.

If the grandparents were just looking after baby 1 day a week and doing stuff like feeding purée and sitting baby in front of the tv, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but for 3 days a week that is actually the dominant influence (since baby only has 2 days with parents, 1 day at nursery and 1 day with other grandparent).

I think you should put baby in nursery for an extra day and then organise things with your DH so that one or both of you can do compressed hours or early/late finish to cover a day of childcare between you. That means his parents would only have to do one day.

It's not like you are paying rent atm, you can afford an extra day at nursery. And presumably you're using tax free childcare?

Side note. Lots of people on this thread are very anti-nursery. But a good nursery is better than a bad childminder (or a bad caregiver whether it's a grandparent or someone else!) My son went to nursery from 8 months old and he got on fine, he had a lovely bond with his keyworker and he is still there now (at nearly 3) he's been thriving.

In an ideal world a childminder is probably better than nursery for babies but in the absence of a good childminder, a good nursery is far better than a grandparent providing substandard care.

Name change

Absolutely. But not doing structured activities for a 9 month old baby doesn't mean inadequate care. If they are chatting to him and he has some toys (or a treasure basket of household items, a pan of dried pasta, anything really!) to play with that really is all a 9 month old needs. A walk in the pushchair is fine too.

I think most grandparents these days are too old to effectively look after toddlers. I see it all the time. Grandparents at playgrounds not able to run after the kid who is trying to escape, unable to climb up and rescue them when they get stuck at the top of the slide and just generally too tired to spend all day doing active things.

You might also find this article interesting:

www.bmj.com/company/newsroom/nurseries-may-trump-informal-or-childminder-care-for-kids-psychological-development/

And if you can’t be bothered to read the article (although it is short)... in summary:

“Attendance at a nursery/crèche staffed by professionals may be linked to better psychological development than being looked after by family/friends or a childminder in early childhood, suggests research published online in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health.”

@NameChange30 we just went for a childminder as it was cheaper and more flexible, but switched to nursery at 2 because the free hours were looming plus I felt he would enjoy it more at that point. Both are great options if you have to use childcare, I don't get the negativity towards nursery either bar the cost.

Do they talk with him and interact with him? Being at home is not beneficial if the child is getting no stimulation and being left alone a lot of the time. At this stage language development is key! I’d put him in nursery and extra day to be honest.

well this grandparent took 4yo dgs to local museum and then the park and then did crafts most of yesterday afternoon, today he will attend his very good nursary, when he was a baby and I had him 2 days a week we attended a lovely baby and toddler group (I used the chairs but I can sit on the floor if I want to ) we went to the park every afternoon and I gave him finger foods for tea! we are not all bloody past it, old and unable to see the way childcare hasa changed since we had our dcs.

I have a wonderful loving relationship with my dgs and I know he benefits from spending time with me, his vocab his very wide, he is learning how to write his name/read some words, he is fully dry day and night and gernerally very independent.

btw, sometimes we meet up with grandad and go to the pub for lunch, another social activity he is very comfortable with

Honestly op some of these responses are quite ridiculous. It's proven that there's no benefit to most children by attending nursery until the age of 3. Neither of my girls went until they were 2.5 and my summer born 6yo is absolutely flying at school. They were looked after by me for 2 days and grandparents for 3 days. I'm sure it's just the weather that is keeping them indoors at the moment, but just encourage your in laws to read to your lo, play with him and take him out when they can, maybe find a grandparents playgroup for them to take him to? There are loads around here and they're really well attended. Watching TV all day isn't ideal but surely the only choice isn't either that or nursery all day?

I would talk to them about the constant TV and see if they are open to making changes there as I wouldn't be happy about that. I don't think a 9 month old playing on the floor by himself is an issue as long as he is happy and not lonely or bored. You can supply good toys, books, musical instruments etc yourself - playpens and ball pools are quite bulky, but surely they would open to having a toy box for him with various things in it? When they are older, of course, they can really enjoy a good nursery and get lots from it. But he is still tiny. I think you need to remember the positives he will be getting from being with the grandparents that he can't get from nursery, like a secure attachment to his home environment and being looked after by people who love and care for him unconditionally, rather than only thinking about what nursery currently gives him that they don't, iyswim. You are also not at risk of grandparents moving on to other jobs etc just as he gets really attached to them, which you can't guarantee with nursery staff.

Do they literally not leave the house with him...? They may find he gets bored and restless as he gets older and more vigorous if so. But if they are taking him out and about to the supermarket or for walks in the pram etc then I think that's fine. Maybe suggest something like a morning at the library with one of their children's sessions - they are usually not terribly energetic and adults can often sit on chairs rather than on the floor, and they are also free!

Re the purees, maybe ask them how old DH was when they weaned him off purees and how they went about it? Presumably they don't expect him to stay on purees forever. Would they be open to giving him mashed and lumpy foods, soft pieces of fruit and veg etc? But I don't think 3 meals a week on puree is likely to do him any harm, especially if they are happy to provide him with some variety so he gets good nutrition and exposure to different tastes, even if not to different textures.

Like other people have said, this may well solve itself in the next 6 months or so, if you can hang on that long.

Obviously children are different but my DS would certainly not sit and entertain himself in front of the TV or anywhere else by about 11 months. He was hauling himself up onto furniture, cruising round the living room, swiping at any crockery he could find (particularly obsessed with mugs, for some reason), wanting a new game every 5 minutes, etc. A nice walk out in the buggy / to the swings / to the library was the only way to get any peace!

You may well find your PIL start to find it a bit too much once he's older and more active - and that would be a good non-confrontational way to broach the question with them. "He's much more exhausting than he used to be, why don't we put him in nursery for an extra day" - if you're worried that bringing it up now will look like you're criticising them (which I can see you might want to avoid if you're living with them).

Generally I think it is better to be with a family caregiver rather than in a nursery setting, but it sounds as if your IL's health is not great and I would worry that as he gets to the walking stage that his options are going to be limited to being in front of the TV rather than out in parks and seeing new things. I would probably tell ILs that nursery are offering a free day so as not to rock the boat, but they are already doing so much for you and I would be really wary of overburdening them.

Grrrr. They are grandparents, not a free childminding service! Sorry but it pisses me off no end that other humans need to conform so precisely to how someone else thinks they should when they are simply trying to be kind. I cannot imagine giving up my life to bring up someone else’s child, no matter how much I love them. I had wonderful GP’s, kind, loving, generous, fun to be with, and they helped make me the person I am today. But they were never taken advantage of, asked to change their lifestyle, or house, or give up their freedom to have a life. I have a SIL tied into childcare rota for her GC. She travels hundreds of miles every three weeks to do her four days. Unpaid. It’s likely to cost her her marriage if she’s not careful, as it’s not what her and her OH agreed once they finished two careers. Her OH loves his GC, but not via a rota. Sorry to be blunt, but it needs some careful thinking out.

He’d be far better off in nursery an extra day

I'm a GP that does a fair bit of childcare.

Put your LO in nursery for another day.
It is tiring and I get that but it's not hard to get a ball pool out. They're not doing enough

With you all the way @Getitwright. My stepson is cared for four days a week by his maternal grandma, the other day by his mum, his sister (who is an ITU nurse) covers days where there are gaps. Stepson’s mum’s partner is nearing his end with pancreatic cancer and we’ve now been asked to cover her days, involving a 160 mile round trip.

God forbid that the parents of a child in a household with an income of £85k should actually spend money on childcare. Sadly grandpa has agreed, I’d have suggested now’s a good time to start nursery.

To clarify, not the child’s mum, stepson’s mum.