Re dropping BIL off at work

[twelveminutespast]

Not sure if I'm being U here so I'm hoping for some opinions here.

Me and DH work on the same road. However it's a very long road and goes on for a few miles iyswim.

Before Christmas, BIL got a job on the same road, it's in the middle of mine and DH work place. DH one morning suddenly said to me BIL is going to get in with us, can you drop him off at work on the way.

I was miffed about this, as there are two ways to get to DH work. 1st way is very busy and have to go past numerous schools. I actively avoided going that way in the morning because it's an absolutely nightmare. However this is the only way we can go to get to BILs workplace. The other way we used to go took much less time, I could drop DH off and go back down the same route and still get to work on time.

I'm getting stressed every morning because the traffic is so horrendous going the first way in order to drop BIL off. He contributes nothing to petrol costs either. And I'm often late dropping my DS off at childcare before I start work.

I don't know how to approach this situation. aibu here?

Well, now your husband got the bus, there is room in the car for your BIL isn't there?

I wouldn't put it past him to turn up and try that shit on! Maybe your husband even said that. What time does he normally arrive? If he shows up I hope you tell him to piss off

Good point. Get out before he turns up and demands a seat, OP.

Perfect response from @Cherrysoup if this becomes an issue again.

I would definitely put an end to going out of your way with BiL and drop your DH and BiL at your DH's place of work and BiL can walk. If he doesn't get out at first, turn off the engine and say "Out you get BiL, I'll not be driving past your place of work today so you're going to have to walk from here".

Perhaps for Christmas/Birthdays/whatever you could get him a good umbrella/suncream (for the summer)/a hat and scarf etc. so that he knows he's walking and you're ending the door to door free taxi service he has enjoyed so far.

Urgh your dh and bil both sound like entitled twats. So what's the plan for tomorrow?

I liked a PP idea of telling DH you are being told if you carry on being late you will lose your job, so to tell BIL to either go run and jump or they he has to walk from DH's work.

I dont understand why your DH got a bus? I thought u didnt want to give your BIL the lift? What have I missed

Tea, DH was banned from the car today for being unable to understand why this whole thing is a problem for OP.

Just out of interest, are buses really just £2? The last time I needed to go somewhere (just 12 miles) it was £6. A £2 bus ride would be under 10 minutes surely? And if that's the case being late wouldn't really be an issue? I assume OP doesn't have to mess around being late making a 10 minute driving journey. Or are bus prices very different around the country? (I drive so I have no idea)

I would start leaving early and having a breakfast out. Your DH is being utterly unreasonable if he expects you to be late and have a longer journey to take his ungrateful brother to work.

If you do take them in future, go to your DH’s work and tell him the next stop is your workplace. He can choose where to walk from. Walking is free so he won’t have an issue.

It did all escalate rather. Most people were suggesting you get your bil to walk from DH's work.

Now you aren't giving either of them a lift.

I don’t get why anyone thinks BIL’s commuting plans are in any way your concern! He’s a grown adult, surely?

You tell him that it’s making you late so you can’t take him any more, doesn’t mean he can say-‘I can’t afford the bus’. Why does he think you’ll cave? Unless you normally do, I guess.

Her DH didn't agree, didn't see the problem and wouldn't talk to his brother.

So why should he get a lift either?

The last time I needed to go somewhere (just 12 miles) it was £6.

£6?? In Edinburgh it's £1.70 (or it was last time I was there) and that's any single journey, so you could travel 20 miles across the city on one bus for that price. I'm now in Glasgow and I think the £2.40 single ticket is extortionate

They really are a couple of entitled twats, hope BIL hasn’t bothered you this morning

You have a serious dh problem.

Offering your services to his brother like you're his hired help?

Making you repeatedly late for work?

I'd be prepared to drop Bil where dh works let him walk to work.

I'd want an agreed contribution to petrol.

What I wonder about this is, does your DH habitually offer his time and efforts to family members and other people? Is generosity normal in his family?

If you were to say 'my best friend is really struggling to get someone to put a shelf up / collect a heavy thing / fix something simple but requiring strength etc, so I've said we / you will drop over on Saturday to help her out', would he think that was fine and normal, or would he be outraged at you offering his time?

Good question lottie
But also a regular commitment. Not just a one off..

Hold your nerve OP. Not sure if they are trying to guilt you into backing down but glad to see you are not. Keep your boundaries and they'll respect you more in the long run. Incidentally, it sounds like your DH is a bit in awe of his brother. Is the brother the golden child?

It ain't up to you to take BIL to work he should make his own way

I was getting the red mist at your info re your DH's attitude OP, then saw your updates and did a little fist pump in solidarity!
DH taking the bus for one day doesn't really solve the long term issue tho so I would def be sending the "you can walk from DH work or mine" text to BOTH of them making it clear where things stand from now on. Id add a sarcastic " a thank you wouldn't go amiss now and again as rush hour driving isn't fun" at the end.

Tell him the problem and take him to your work or DHs. He can like it or not. Just sympathise with any problem he raises, but don't own it. Just repeat or change the subject.

What I should have said was well done. Should have RTFT!

Chamomileteaplease OP had a lot of stuff to carry in the car today, so only room for one extra person, not both.

OP, good result, and stay firm. Don't let them take the piss any more. Can't believe BIL doesn't even say thank you.

Your dh is sulking then now and standing by his pathetic brother. I can't stand relatives who wantonly cause trouble between a married (or not) couple by pestering for something they know one party won't be/aren't happy about. I have an adult stepson like this in his thirties, single, good job etc and every time he and dh are alone he's either asking to stay over at weekend to save him a taxi of an extra three miles to his home after a night out. Then he's slobbing around our house half dressed getting up at dinnertime then he gets a lift home so it takes up most of our weekend accomodating him. I recently put my foot down and said its not happening anymore and caused huge row but still he asks dh behind my back knowing full well l hate it. I don't mind him just visiting /coming for a meal at all and am very welcoming to him etc.

either.... or asking him can he borrow money /things which are never returned (even my stuff sometimes, l once returned home to find him sat in lounge with dh with my laptop on his knee because he 'likes my screen better than dhs' DH said what was l supposed to say 🤔 l said 'no' maybe, just a thought!