Re dropping BIL off at work

[twelveminutespast]

Not sure if I'm being U here so I'm hoping for some opinions here.

Me and DH work on the same road. However it's a very long road and goes on for a few miles iyswim.

Before Christmas, BIL got a job on the same road, it's in the middle of mine and DH work place. DH one morning suddenly said to me BIL is going to get in with us, can you drop him off at work on the way.

I was miffed about this, as there are two ways to get to DH work. 1st way is very busy and have to go past numerous schools. I actively avoided going that way in the morning because it's an absolutely nightmare. However this is the only way we can go to get to BILs workplace. The other way we used to go took much less time, I could drop DH off and go back down the same route and still get to work on time.

I'm getting stressed every morning because the traffic is so horrendous going the first way in order to drop BIL off. He contributes nothing to petrol costs either. And I'm often late dropping my DS off at childcare before I start work.

I don't know how to approach this situation. aibu here?

@RandomMess Yep probably

Woah. In my book of sh offered the lift he’d do the driving. If he can’t drive then no lift offering and it is the drivers choice whether to do drop offs.

Personally op I’d be dropping ds at childcare then heading to your work. Let them walk from there.

You realise he WILL turn up at yours tomorrow morning, as if you've never spoken?
That's how much he rates your opinion.

Actually yes you do because how easy would it be for him to get there under his own steam. He is putting out his wife and son due to laziness

@CallmeAngelina Tough shit, there's no space for him!

I now commute by bus rather than driving (I am fortunate 3-4 buses per hour and fairly reliable and subsidised) - I love the lack of stress, no solid concentration for 25 minutes, no fighting for a parking space....

Your H has no idea that driving is "work".

I predict he will start telling you that you don't "need" to take the package in with you.
I suggest you plan how to suggest ramming it where the sun don't shine.

Another idea - if DH won't make BIL walk from his workplace, you'll have to drop DH at BIL's workplace and DH can walk.

Either way, you need to cut time from the journey to avoid being late, and those are the only two options I can see.

Maybe DH will prefer to tell BIL to sort himself out instead of having to walk 15-20 mins?

Your DH and BIL both sound like a pair of losers; your DH with his non driving and expecting you to get him to work all the time, and your BIL with his lack of driving, gambling, and sheer cheek.

Yes, YABU. Only because you're not saying anything. It's not the person you're rejecting, it's the request. Learn that mantra, and you'll be fine. I got this from my Assertiveness training, and it's helped me SO much xx give back responsibility to the people it belongs to x i.e. the BIL or your DH. Nothing to do with you. It's difficult, really difficult, the first couple of times, but then you get the hang of it. It works at work as well . Amazing, the amount of freedom this has given me, honestly. I'm a stronger person, because of it, thankfully. Not taken advantage of, any more, had the strength and wherewithal to leave a bullying marriage, (not physical) and make it, on my own. I now live on my own, and I LOVE it! No demands on my time, unless I wish to give it, and always asked first. The answer is usually yeas, but it's nice to be asked. I also learned about negotiation. Hugely useful, especially at work, deadlines, do you really need it by then? that kind of thing. You go girl xx good luck x

Let us know what happens in the morning OP xx

Please stand firm.

Is BIL leeching off you in other ways too?

The entitled little shit!!

As if 15 minute walk is a bloody commute 🙄

Good for you standing up for yourself.

It's one thing when someone asks an already cheeky favour but quite another when they act like a compromise is a smack in the face.

He could have had a bit of help instead of none, but he chose the latter by being such a nob about it.

Enjoy your lovely drive to work tomorrow, crank up the tunes - not long til the weekend!

Stay strong op!

Why doesn't DH drive? Has he ever learned?

Or, even better idea, drop your ds off at childcare, then drive to your work, make them both walk the rest of the way. Show them how much they're both putting you out. People like them two are what give us non drivers a bad name, expecting lifts everywhere. I never ask for lifts, I just double check if I'm ever offered.

So BIL has turned down your offered. Does that mean he won’t be wanting any lift at all?

Stay strong, but keep a cool head so they can see you are being assertive and not aggressive. The more practical you are the less 'chinks' you leave open for them to try to argue their crazy and lazy perspective. Don't justify yourself, just state what will happen and for anything else state, "that doesn't work for me".

Both these incompetent, entitled nobs can walk or find other transport to work and contemplate not being pathetic burdens, man who chooses to not drive #1-‘I cannot comprehend how pandering to me and my brother is a problem’ man who chooses not to drive #2-‘I gambled away my money so it’s your unpaid job to chauffeur me around.’
End this immediately, they’re treating you like shite on their shoes.

Put the large object in the car tonight or first thing so there is definitely no room.
Tbh in your situation I'd stop dropping DH off at his work for that reaction and I'd be making them both walk from your DS nursery or your work until they both apologized hugely for treating you like a free taxi.

‘My kids will be driven to school and I am driving myself to work. There’s room for one other adult in the car, so whoever wants to get out at PrimarySchool or my work can use my vehicle, £5 pre paid for petrol, obviously’

I'd leave the house a few minutes earlier tomorrow, preferably while Dh is in the loo and bil hasn't turned up yet. Then let them piss off and find their own way to work. From now on though you need to be firm and tell them both that the current arrangement does not work for you so bil can walk from dhs office or they can both walk from yours. It doesn't matter in the slightest if they cannot understand your point of view, they just have to go along with it.

DH just doesn't understand where I'm coming from

Maybe he’ll manage to see where you’re coming from after a couple of weeks on the bus?

What a cheeky pair of twats.

You have told your H and he cant see it from your point of view?

Say it very clearly or sometimes things are better in a text (no interruptions)

"You offered your brother a lift though you arent the one who's doing the driving and didnt even ask me first. It's making me late for work, its making me late to drop DC off and longer in traffic. On top of that, he offers no petrol money. ..tell him I'll be dropping him off at your work and he can walk the rest of the way, if not, you'll be walking with him"