What would you think if you got an invite worded like this?

[TheLowry]

So this was for a 'big' night out - think annual event where we usually get together with the same group friends.

Hi. at our place if you fancy joining us? Would be lovely to have you but feel free to say no. X

It sounds as if they're not really that keen for you to accept but feel they should invite you

After ten years she couldn't just tell you outright? I'd ask her why that is.

In those circumstances it does seem odd tbh. Could it be from the person in the couple who doesn’t normally send the invites ( ie the man?) 😬

So they don’t want you at a once a year thing, but rather than just not invite you, they invite you in a weird way that lets you infer that they don’t want you. God people make life complicated.

Is it short notice? Or a date that might be awkward eg mothers day, Easter etc so they understand that you might have other plans?

Sorry rtft, she should not have hosted if she wanted a different core group, how unpleasant. If I were you I would go anyway.

I'd reply and say we'd love to come but if it's getting too much now the kids are older shall we do something different another time?

It's the sort of thing I would write when I want to say "we'd love to see you, but understand if you don't fancy it for whatever reason".

This. It sounds to me as if it has just been clumsily worded.

The ‘mutual friends’ you disused this with...are they the ones that got the warm verbal invite?
Yes.

What do they think about it all?
Did not discuss it with them really. I was so surprised when they told me what was really going on that I quickly changed the subject. Didn't want to respond immediately.

Are they going?
Yes.

Why didn’t they step in and agree to host the 4 families if the host doesn’t gaf?
I suspect they also fancy a change.

It honestly sounds like it was just badly worded, but it’s still an invite. Go, if you get bad vibes when there make excuses and leave early?

I'm confused by the setup. You're all friends but you only meet up once a year?

Ah well, all things come to an end eventually.

Look on the bright side - it lets you out of having to do it when it's your turn too, hey.

Maybe just meet up with the other spurned couple and go out together?

You're all friends but you only meet up once a year?

We meet up regularly as group of 4 families and at other social events (parties/kids stuff etc). We are close to 2 of the couples and see them both outside the group things, but tend only to see the 4th couple (the people who sent the invite) as part of the bigger group - we would not just meet up with them for a drink like we do the other 2 families.

Just to be clear - I'm not very upset about it. I totally understand that these things can become a drag and a bit like groundhog day, so I have no problem with them wanting to do something else.
It would probably have been better to have had a conversation about it rather than it happen this way - but no harm done.

That's a shame. But hey-ho. If you're fine with it fizzling then not to worry.

Jeez what a lot of drama for absolutely nothing. Now I'd imagine the friend you've discussed it with will trot back to her and say that Lowry is upset that you've worded your text like that and so begins a cycle of awkwardness and resentment that doesn't need to have happened. If you were uncertain and didn't want to go you should just not go instead of discussing it with the rest of the group first because it will become a 'thing' and no doubt will get discussed at the event itself.

friend you've discussed it with will trot back to her and say that Lowry is upset that you've worded your text like that

Good job I'm not an idiot and didn't mention the text - I just asked about the plans and my friend told me about the conversation. So hostess gets what she wants (just the 2 couples that night) - and we are free to make our own plans and not impose.

So actually zero drama. Sorry to disappoint.

At no point have you actually spoken to the hostess. You have made assumptions based on your 'spidery senses'. You've had a conversation with someone and listened to third hand information that you don't know is correct. You have put a thread on mumsnet about something most people would just reply to and forget about so you have made it into a drama, whether you choose to see it like that or not.

Mm have to agree with @dancingbadger..

You've had a conversation with someone and listened to third hand information that you don't know is correct.
So you think my friend is lying? That would indeed be a drama ... but actually she just told it like it is.

You have put a thread on mumsnet about something most people would just reply to and forget about so you have made it into a drama, whether you choose to see it like that or not.
I am really struggling to see how one ambiguous text and a low key conversation with a friend constitutes a drama in anyone's life.

But if you feel happier thinking I am sitting here tearing my hair out and wailing, that's OK.

wanders off to find a choccy biscuit

Why would I feel happy at the thought of you tearing your hair out? What an odd thing to say!
I merely think that discussing things and speculating behind people's backs is very likely to end in misunderstandings. The hostess has been given no right of reply, you don't actually know how she feels because you haven't spoken to her directly. She's been kind and invited you to her house which you appear to have taken umbrage over. You quite clearly don't want to listen to any opinions that don't correlate with your perception of the situation so I won't comment further, enjoy your cheesy biscuit!

@dancingbadger you are being so odd.

OP I think you have picked up on a slightly odd text, sensed the reluctance of the host which on the face of it for a very long-standing bit infrequent get together would seem strange, have clarified subtlety and can now safely not attend where you aren’t wanted.

I see no drama and in fact OP has shown great sensitivity and nuance.

However why has host suddenly gone weird and why choose their year to host to be odd- why not just wait until someone else hosts and choose not to attend.
Have preceding years been fun?

I’d actually be quite pissed off at how they have handled this so goodness knows what @dancingbadger would make of me!
If you hadn’t sensed the fact they were hoping for a decline and gone ahead and attended I wonder how uncomfortable the evening would have been?

What is other person who got the please done attend text going to do?

I know this thread is sort of over, but I think pp have a point who say that meanings can get lost in translation iyswim - which is why what a third party says someone else said may not always give you the full picture. (Maybe it is age, but these days if A says B said something contentious I do try to allow for the possibility that B may not have said it quite that way, or meant something different!)

Also I think sometimes people do the 'get out clause' in an invitation if they want to give you an easy way out if they think you may not want to come - in an effort not to be too 'needy' or imperious. So without the other background I wouldn't have read too much into that.

I see no drama and in fact OP has shown great sensitivity and nuance

Not sure I’m reading the same thread

Never understand with these threads why OP simply doesn’t speak to the person in question
.

(My age, I meant - not saying it's because of A or B's age in this hypothetical scenario!)

There is potential for crossed wires if you speak to a 3P - in this case maybe A isn't certain others still want to come so phrases the message cautiously, which in turn means op thinks A doesn't want her to come, then A's convo with B is misinterpreted, who knows?

On the other hand, op knows the background and is better placed to judge than mners. And of course t may be time for this tradition to end anyway. So my observation is more of a general one.