I think EUPD runs in my family and I might have it too, but we are undiagnosed.
My father was terribly physically abused by his father and for his whole life struggled with emotions, I witnessed his domestic violence against my mother and a subsequent partner. He made me witness him taking an overdose when I was a teenager (very traumatic as part of the event was in public). He was sectioned and I found visiting him very traumatic too. I blamed myself for twenty years that it was my fault that he wanted to die and he would kind of exploit that by threatening or attempting suicide when he wanted me to enable him (he has an alcohol and painkiller addiction so he would threaten suicide and I’d bring him drink/pills). I slit my wrists at 18, I was carrying the burden of guilt that my dad wanted to die but my parents never acknowledged it and to this day seem to have never noticed my wrist scars? Despite my dads violence he also presents as quite weak and incapable for a man, very needy.. so I feel sorry and responsible for him.
In recent years I found out that my dads father would take overdoses in front of the family and actually died from overdose in the 70s. I was never told this information and i feel that if I had only known this then I may have not carried so much of the burden of my dad’s suicidal activity myself.
My dysfunctional childhood led to quite out of control behaviour, I was a people pleaser and a caretaker of others but also a risk-taker, chasing sexual encounters at 14. I was in a relationship with a boy from 15-17 where the boy was violent to me and also sexually abusive, I was sent to stay with this boy when the DV from home was at its worst. We did not have separate bedrooms and lived like a man and wife at the age of 15, I could not escape from the sexual stuff. Obviously I was an easy target as parents were preoccupied. I developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol at a young age. I still have no off switch. I also spent a few years chasing married men which was horrendous of me but I can only describe as compulsive behaviour.
I now have a stable home life with a fantastic husband and my crazy behaviour has gone, I’ve had lots of counselling which has helped although I still struggle with intrusive thoughts and phobias (I have had EMDR which has helped the intrusive thoughts somewhat). I have a binge/purge attitude to money where I will save and save, use spreadsheets etc and then blow it on a holiday and feel sick with shame. I have a driving phobia, probably because of some of my dad’s drink driving incidents when I was small. I tend to have a very extreme reaction if DH can’t give me a lift somewhere, I take it as a rejection of myself and feel like I’m flawed for not driving and DH doesn’t love me. I used to want to self harm on these occasions but I haven’t for 10 years. I am NC with my dad for the last two years but have been guilt tripped recently by people saying that my dad is crying for me, this has led to some suicidal ideation. I also have ‘running away’ ideation where I dream about disappearing for good.
If you met me, you would never guess any of this. Except most days when I leave the house I cry on my way to the station (for no real reason sometimes). I don’t know how to ask for help, how did others on this thread get a diagnosis? Is it even worth trying now I’m coping a bit better?