Talk me out of being petty

[BawBags]

Got a CFer on my hands. DD(13)'s friends mum.
DD is good friends with a girl (let's call her Betty) and has been for about 10 years. The thing is, despite living just 2 streets away, DD has never been allowed in Betty's house. Her mum just doesn't like letting any of her kid's friends in. When Betty needs to go in for something like a coat or her sleepover things, the friends have to wait outside the door not matter what the weather is like. The mum isn't agoraphobic or anything like that, the house isn't crazy sterile nor disgustingly filthy at all. It's just... normal. (I've seen it). There is no reason - according to Betty, except that her mum doesn't like kids in.

The mum is more than happy to send Betty round here or other friends houses and makes sure with Betty that she's inside and not roaming round the streets on the wintery nights.
Betty's slept over here probably every month and sometimes a few days on the trot over holidays. I drive the girls around places and don't think anything of it but I got pretty annoyed the other day.
I'd dropped both girls off in the next village at another friends house for a sleepover on Saturday and when I spoke to DD the following day to see when and how they were getting back, she told me she'd be getting a bus back all alone as Betty's mum was picking Betty up after she had said she didn't fancy getting the bus. So instead of her getting both girls, I had the pleasure of driving past Betty and her mum heading back here as I went to pick DD up myself.

Now I know it's petty as fuck but I really want to say that it's high time Betty's mum sucked the fuck up and reciprocated or I'll be driving my own child around and Betty can make her own way everywhere. I've lost count of the number of times I've picked them up from school to save them the walk in the rain but Betty's mum will happily drive away with Betty in the car leaving my DD in the rain to walk.

DH was angry the other day after DD got soaked waiting outside Betty's while she packed a sleepover bag and he's said we should do the same from now on. Betty can wait outside our house too. It's petty and I won't do it but AIBU to daydream about having the balls to do it and to say why too?

I think I'd have asked her mum what the problem was with giving her a lift rather than take it out on Betty.

I’d ask bettys mum why she doesn’t give your DD lifts when you do for her DD. The thing about not having children to her house is sad for her daughter and annoying but is her choice while the lift thing just seems rude

It's been asked before. Betty just says, "Naw she won't" and she has said before that she has asked but her mum said, "no, I'm not driving around all and sundry" (direct quote)

That's awful and very unreasonable behaviour. I assume that Betty is a bit scared of her mum so she won't question why she is like it with her friends and accepts this weird set up as normal. It certainly isn't fair on you and the other friends parents who are being used. Does Betty have any siblings or only child?
No real advice, as it will be hard on Betty if you ask your child to not be friends with her anymore as then the child suffers. It's a dilemma and I can see why your fed up with it all as well. It's a horrible me way street and that's selfish on the mums part !

My mum never really wanted kids in the house when I was young either. No particular reason, just that she valued her privacy I think, but it always made it awkward with my friends.

The driving Betty but not your dd is thoughtless though and taking the piss bearing in mind all you have done for Betty. By all means mention it to the mum, but please don't make Betty stand outside your house like your DH said, that's just mean, it's not her fault and it's unkind to punish her for that.

Also, another of my dd's friends wouldn't let anyone past the door either. When I dropped the friend back home at the door, she just opened the door as wide as her own body and slithered in. I managed to see a tiny bit into the hallway and it was like a hoarder's house. Plus the smell was pretty bad. Are you sure Berty's house is normal and that there isn't more going on?

I dont think this is acceptable at all. I would however address this with the mother. She needs to be confronted that she will happily send her daughter over and accept lifts but not reciprocate and you wont be doing that going further without a reason.
You also shoulf address this with your daughter, that she shouldnt accpet being treated this way. Yes they may be only 13 but this is an opportunity for your dd to see that these types of situations are not acceptable.

I would directly ask the mum not Betty. After 10 years of giving your daughter lifts and accommodating her why do you think its ok to not even give my daughter a lift home on a rare occasion?
Also Betty is a crap friend that she left your dd and took the lift

I was Betty once upon a time and I felt great shame over it. I hated when anyone questioned it because I never knew what to say. I never ever had anyone in my house ever. It caused problems in friendships and cost me a few too. Please don't leave Betty outside, I can tell you she is very aware and ashamed of the situation.

That is so rude of both of them! I would feel like being petty as well

Her mother probably feels that she is not asking you to do it, you are offering.
So why not ask outright if she wants to take turns on lifts, if she doesn't then just collect your own.
As for the sleepovers I would knock them on the head. Again, if you are offering to have her daughter over she may feel no need to reciprocate. So stop offering.

Maybe the dm has her bondage gear hung up in the hallway??

I'd have to ask the mum.
"Dcf I drove past you the other day when you'd collected Betty. I was upset that, after having her over countless times and driving them both to places, that you'd leave my dd behind. I was also very upset that dd stood waiting outside your house in the rain whilst your dd packed a bag to stay at ours. Wouldn't it have been hospitable to at least let her stand in the hall. I feel supporting this friendship is very one sided And wondered would you like to share sleepovers and lifts from now on or just take our own children places?"

I think she needs calling out. Obviously up to you if you still want to do sleepovers.

I think I’d go direct to the mum, Betty isn't and shouldn’t be her mother’s mouthpiece/go between. I’d be petty too, your dd is made to wait in the rain for whatever reason, it’s ridiculous. Why should you do favours that are never reciprocated? The mother is either a very cf or has an unusual problem having people in her house/car. Either way, I’d want to know.

If the child is the only one then I bet her mum is loving all the ' me time' she gets whilst her young teen is being cared for by other people!!
As others say there could be more to this though: she may have social anxiety or the house is a mess or she is worried about other people's children in her car or something that she won't articulate as she feels embarrassed. Betty has accepted this as the norm and won't confront her mum.
It is strange though.

The not letting Betty friends in the house is one thing i had 1 or 2 friends like that when younger but it's just odd to not give your dc a lift occasionally especially as you have Betty so often .
If it bothers you so much I'd ask Betty's mum why .

Hmm...it's not good, but, she'd only be a CF if she'd asked you to do all the stuff you do. Sounds like she's really very private or something?

Betty isn't shy or afraid of her mum at all. In fact she's a bit of a teen gobshite. Nothing majorly bad but definitely not afraid to speak up. She's got a couple of brothers and a sister (same rules apply to their friends too) and I've seen the house and it is most definitely not a hoarder filth hole.

If it ever happens again that Betty is picked up but DD is left I will be sending the mum a message at the very least.

Betty isn't the only friend who's mum doesn't like kids inside their houses but not one of them will make the kids stand outside to wait.

Oh god I was friends with a Betty. I felt very sorry for them as their DM was not your normal loving maternal type but my DM is. They would often say how nice my DM was. I felt very sorry for them. Now we are adults they do not have a good relationship, it’s very sad. Their DM has no one really because of this type of behaviour years ago.

Don't be petty to Betty

Why one more time? She's already done it multiple times to her.

I feel sorry for Betty. Her mum must be a barrel of laughs to live with.

If it was me, and it was raining, and she left DD out in the rain, I'd just put a stop to her walking Betty back to her house again - probably drop her off myself and call it a day.

The mum sounds very odd. Wonder what she's up to in there.

Maybe the Mum is just a fucking bitch who hates everybody else?

I had one of those.

And yes, I could be a gobby little shit. After the number of beatings I'd had, I didn't give a fuck anymore if I pissed her off in public, as chances were I'd get one whether or not I'd said anything anyhow, so I might as well have some semblance of control over them by making them happen rather than be caught offguard (which always hurt more - punches in the side of the head from behind/etc rather than a shove towards the lit cooker).

Being argumentative at school or blunt towards other people's Mums was even more satisfying because I knew they weren't going to hit me.

Hmm, tough call as Betty sounds as if she sees this as normal behaviour and this is how it is! Sad really ,as she'll grow up with the same selfish values.
I would hope my child falls out with her ( as teens do) and the friendship fizzles out eventually. Trouble is you sound the sort of person who can't be like this mum and this mum will never change and will always be like it! I really can see your point of view on this.

I wouldn't be waiting, I'd call her on it now.

How have you seen it OP?