Talk me out of being petty

[BawBags]

Got a CFer on my hands. DD(13)'s friends mum.
DD is good friends with a girl (let's call her Betty) and has been for about 10 years. The thing is, despite living just 2 streets away, DD has never been allowed in Betty's house. Her mum just doesn't like letting any of her kid's friends in. When Betty needs to go in for something like a coat or her sleepover things, the friends have to wait outside the door not matter what the weather is like. The mum isn't agoraphobic or anything like that, the house isn't crazy sterile nor disgustingly filthy at all. It's just... normal. (I've seen it). There is no reason - according to Betty, except that her mum doesn't like kids in.

The mum is more than happy to send Betty round here or other friends houses and makes sure with Betty that she's inside and not roaming round the streets on the wintery nights.
Betty's slept over here probably every month and sometimes a few days on the trot over holidays. I drive the girls around places and don't think anything of it but I got pretty annoyed the other day.
I'd dropped both girls off in the next village at another friends house for a sleepover on Saturday and when I spoke to DD the following day to see when and how they were getting back, she told me she'd be getting a bus back all alone as Betty's mum was picking Betty up after she had said she didn't fancy getting the bus. So instead of her getting both girls, I had the pleasure of driving past Betty and her mum heading back here as I went to pick DD up myself.

Now I know it's petty as fuck but I really want to say that it's high time Betty's mum sucked the fuck up and reciprocated or I'll be driving my own child around and Betty can make her own way everywhere. I've lost count of the number of times I've picked them up from school to save them the walk in the rain but Betty's mum will happily drive away with Betty in the car leaving my DD in the rain to walk.

DH was angry the other day after DD got soaked waiting outside Betty's while she packed a sleepover bag and he's said we should do the same from now on. Betty can wait outside our house too. It's petty and I won't do it but AIBU to daydream about having the balls to do it and to say why too?

Good luck with no.3!

The not being allowed in the house is weird but there are a lot of weirdos out there so on balance I’d probably ignore that.

But the not picking your DD up was outrageously rude. I’d ring mum and ask if there was a specific issue with your DD which meant she couldn’t have dropped her home.

@alltakingandnogiving - do you make kids stand in the pouring rain too while your child collects some things ?
Are you also utterly rude and wouldn’t offer a kid a lift when you are collecting your own and literally going the same way?

That’s not ‘parenting style’ that’s just plain selfish and rude as fuck.

I’d would of gone and asked Bettys mum why she thinks it’s ok to leave your dd outside in the rain!

That’s not ‘parenting style’ that’s just plain selfish and rude as fuck.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

@alltakingandnogiving

You can't rebrand being a selfish cow as a parenting style. If you're happy for your DD to accept lifts then you offer lifts back especially when it's not out of your way. You don't leave kids waiting in the pouring rain when they could stand harmlessly in your hallway.

Maybe she has a reason. Ask.

I think you need to separate Betty and her mum in your head. If you and Dd like having her around, do so. If she's polite and helpful give her a lift. Pretend she's an orphan. If you feel as though you're being pushed into being a CF's childcare you'll feel resentful, but helping out a friendly teenager doesn't feel bad.

I think fraglesrock response is word perfect.

Whether she's got anxiety *which it doesn't seem like) or not, it's perfectly reasonable to tell somebody that you were hurt by their behaviour towards your child.

Betty's mum sounds like the poster on here a while back who hosted a play date on her drive, complete with camping chairs, because she didn't like people in the house. General consensus was that she was a weirdo.

Betty's mum is incredibly selfish, odd and self-centred. What sort of person makes their children's friends stand out in the rain rather than inviting them in for 2 minutes? Someone with zero social skills, that's for sure.

Part and parcel of having kids is doing ferrying around, but it's always on a give and take basis, nearly all mums and dads I've come across are delighted to share the responsibility on a "you take them and I'll bring them back" basis. I'd never, ever leave a child walking in the rain to pick mine up and drive.

I'm not sure what you could do OP short of calling her out on her rudeness and weirdness.

You know why her mum doesn't want friends in the house? Because she simply can't be arsed tidying up before or afterwards!

Betty and OP's daughter are THIRTEEN. I have children of a similar age and yes they can make a mess. But they are also old enough to be told to clear up their bedroom if they want friends round, or to put away the debris afterwards.

I cannot get my head round people who shun all outside contact and don't let people in their house, ever.

@Hypergear
Why should my dad (same as OP) have kept going out their way to give someone lifts when it isn't being reciprocated EVER? It's a favour giving someone a lift, so by not doing it your simply no longer doing a favour. Totally reasonable.

For exactly the same reasons Betty should not be punished for her mother's offences. See my post at Mon 10-Feb-20 23:40:42

Totally UNreasonable, & totally focused on an impotent desire for revenge, instead of an adult decision about what's good for the children.

My son has a friend like this. Spends a lot of time at our house, sleepovers, etc and they never reciprocate. It's a little frustrating but I like having his friends about however loud it gets 😬 they are 13 year old boys though.

The CF was drunk last Sunday so couldn't pick her son up, the buses weren't ringing and I overheard her saying to him won't DS mum bring you home 🙄 sadly my car was at the garage...

He had to phone his dad to come get him! Dad was not impressed (separated).

I'm about to have a baby though so things will have to change a bit!

I’d would of gone and asked Bettys mum why she thinks it’s ok to leave your dd outside in the rain!

So would I, @Sparkle567.
Sadly, a few PP's are still focused on revenge, or somehow teaching Betty's mum a lesson. Pointless. Betty's mum doesn't give a shit, & won't learn anything.

Even more sadly, banning Betty from OP's home seems to be a "solution" for some PP's, who are clearly thinking more about their adult need for satisfaction that the girls' need for kindly parenting, & ignoring dickish behaviour in order to facilitate their friendship.

I think you need to separate Betty and her mum in your head. If you and Dd like having her around, do so. If she's polite and helpful give her a lift. Pretend she's an orphan. If you feel as though you're being pushed into being a CF's childcare you'll feel resentful, but helping out a friendly teenager doesn't feel bad.

& hurrah - finally, on this oddly mean-minded thread - for some compassionate common sense @GoldenCrunchMunch.

Really OP, this is your best option.
Rant at Betty's mum all you wish (& you deserve to!) but it won't change her disinterested attitude. You can only look to adjust yours, & have the satisfaction of DD enjoying her friendship with Betty.

OP, allowing your DD into her home is one thing.

Leaving your 13 year old at the side of the road is absolutely unforgivable.

Allowing your child to be treated like that by ANYONE is appalling.

But you've made it very clear over the years how your child is to be treated.

I can't imagine any of my children allowing me to treat their friend like that.

So your DD's friend is being rared to think she can drive off in her mother's car and leave her friend behind.

No way would any of my children behave like that to a friend.

Remember she called her mother for the lift.

Again, I'm suggesting respectfully that instead of talking about how you do everything for others, you focus your attention on YOUR DD and think of doing something for her.

Like showing her how she can expect to be treated by her friend.

You are failing your DD big time by not doing this.

My children wouldn't dream of treating a friend like that and they wouldn't accept it from them either.

These girls are 13 not 7.

I can't imagine any of my children allowing me to treat their friend like that.

& that's probably because you are not a selfish monster who never allows their friends in your house, who refuses to facilitate your kids' freindships & who is quite possibly abusive in the secrecy of your own home @billy1966.

I don't think PP are aware of how grooming happens, & why the last person they should be blaming here is Betty.

My post is clearly about the OP's daughter and how SHE is being treated in all of this.

I have no idea what is going on in Betty's life, no more than the OP does apparently.

Even though the children have been friends for years and the OP has been running around after both girls.

What I can say, from what the OP has written, is that I, as a mother, would not be happy at the message her DD is being given, as her friend drove away
having called her mother, and left the OP's daughter at the side of the road.

Whatever is going on with Betty would primarily concern me, in so much as it would affect my daughter.

I do NOT think a friend or friendship, that would leave the OP's daughter at the side of the road, when she had called her mother for a lift is in the OP's daughter's best interests.

I think the OP needs to focus on her daughter and what is best for her.

I can't make it any clearer.

The OP should focus on HER daughter in this situation.

I think it's wrong of you to ask Betty, she is only a little girl and if her mum is as mad and selfish as she sounds well ...

I think you should talk to the Betty Mother and say how it feels with you giving lifts and no reciprocation and ditto this thing on the doorstep ... terrible manners to let your DD get wet, no wonder your DH cross.

There are these occasional families who are like this and Betty must be so grateful to have a friend like your DD and experience the generous giving of time, space and fun and good manners and thoughtfulness. Please dont punish Betty for her mother.

I would stop the lifts. Bettys mum is a selfish bitch but it’s not Bettys fault she got the short straw for a mum.

The OP should focus on HER daughter in this situation.

It's odd how very little we have heard about the DD's own experience here. Her feelings on being abandoned by Betty's mum (& maybe Betty herself, we don't understand the dynamic at play here or how in thrall Betty is to her mum's batshittery), her feelings about Betty herself, or her feelings should a blanket ban on facilitating Betty be brought about.

We've heard an awful lot about how slighted to OP has been though - & while that's true, it's not the main event, is it? I agree @Billy1966 - the girls (BOTH girls) friendship is more important, but unfortunately OP can really only focus on what's best for her own child here.
Also, OP is the only one in a position to even begin to judge how much Betty's actions are controlled by her mother & therefore forgiveable, or how much is an emerging CF'ery in Betty herself, which DD needs to be given a steer about how to manage.

OP does say Betty is more amenable & pleasant in OP's home than she is around her own mother. I think that gives us a pretty huge clue.

@messolini9
What would be UNreasonable or "revenge" would be to drop to Betty's mums level of making Betty stand out in the rain etc. Giving lifts is doing Betty's mum a favour. Definitely not unreasonable to not do FAVOURS for someone who never reciprocates. Because that's what a lift is, a favour.

What sort of a mate is Betty ringing her mum for a lift knowing there was no chance that her mum would drop your DD off too? Betty was happy to leave her mate to get the bus alone when she really didn't need to, which has now magnified the fact her mum has cruelly left your DD to make her own way home!

@hypergear many PP's are suggesting that Betty should be dropped like a hot potato & that they wouldn't have her in their homes. Glad you don't seem to be one of them.

Also - Betty's mum won't give a shit if lift favours are given to Betty or not. There's no reciprocation or negotiation possible with that level of selfishness.
So - & this is a genuine q., not a snark - what would withdrawing the favour of a lift achieve? Would it make Betty's mum realise she's been selfish, & strive to make amends? No.

I suspect all thay can be achieved here is OP relieves her feelings by giving Betty's mum both barrels. Sometime. Frankly, had my DD been left high & dry as per LiftGate, I'd have been round to Betty's mum immediately with my best WTF face on. Really that's all that needed to happen to demonstrate to OP's DD that the mum's behaviour was rotten & that she is supported.

Might have helped OP too - standing up for what's decent usually does.

Bettys mum is happy to pick her own daughter up, as witnessed by her picking her up. So if the OP doesn't fetch and carry her it will make no difference to Betty except that her mum will collect her rather than the OP. Christ the amount of people wanting to lie down and be walked over is amazing!
The child will not be without a lift, her own parent will collect her.

OP I'm begging you to ignore all these people saying "it's just parenting style" - no, that's not simply "parenting style" as it's behaviour that is actually unrelated to being a parent and is actually just rude as shit!! How is she not embarrassed to be so openly selfish? Imagine if it didn't even involve kids and actually was just the OP and betty's mum as adult friends and betty's mum allowed the OP to drive her to and from places, but when it came to her time to reciprocate she just got in her car and fucked off and drove herself home, leaving the OP to get a taxi. Everyone would be telling the OP to say something!

Betty is the responsibility of her mother and if she wants to be a prick and refuse to reciprocate then she needs to be shamed for it and let it be known that she, my friends, is a cheeky little fucker.