Talk me out of being petty

[BawBags]

Got a CFer on my hands. DD(13)'s friends mum.
DD is good friends with a girl (let's call her Betty) and has been for about 10 years. The thing is, despite living just 2 streets away, DD has never been allowed in Betty's house. Her mum just doesn't like letting any of her kid's friends in. When Betty needs to go in for something like a coat or her sleepover things, the friends have to wait outside the door not matter what the weather is like. The mum isn't agoraphobic or anything like that, the house isn't crazy sterile nor disgustingly filthy at all. It's just... normal. (I've seen it). There is no reason - according to Betty, except that her mum doesn't like kids in.

The mum is more than happy to send Betty round here or other friends houses and makes sure with Betty that she's inside and not roaming round the streets on the wintery nights.
Betty's slept over here probably every month and sometimes a few days on the trot over holidays. I drive the girls around places and don't think anything of it but I got pretty annoyed the other day.
I'd dropped both girls off in the next village at another friends house for a sleepover on Saturday and when I spoke to DD the following day to see when and how they were getting back, she told me she'd be getting a bus back all alone as Betty's mum was picking Betty up after she had said she didn't fancy getting the bus. So instead of her getting both girls, I had the pleasure of driving past Betty and her mum heading back here as I went to pick DD up myself.

Now I know it's petty as fuck but I really want to say that it's high time Betty's mum sucked the fuck up and reciprocated or I'll be driving my own child around and Betty can make her own way everywhere. I've lost count of the number of times I've picked them up from school to save them the walk in the rain but Betty's mum will happily drive away with Betty in the car leaving my DD in the rain to walk.

DH was angry the other day after DD got soaked waiting outside Betty's while she packed a sleepover bag and he's said we should do the same from now on. Betty can wait outside our house too. It's petty and I won't do it but AIBU to daydream about having the balls to do it and to say why too?

I'm with your DH. Serve it right back at her. What a bitch of a mum. But why ask because it's apparent you're just going to allow Betty's mum to treat you and your DD like shit, mugging you off and leaving your child in the rain whilst she zooms past.

Oh I'd be rolling up my sleeves & singing

Why is your dd waiting outside Betty’s house while she packs her sleepover things if Betty only lives two streets away? Can’t she walk around by herself?
The lift thing is bloody rude; I’d have no qualms in asking why the hell she did that.

@FraglesRock as it was days ago I feel like I've probably missed my chance to pull her up on it, but I do think she needs approaching about it so when the next opportunity arises I'll say something straight away. I've known Betty (and her mum but to a lesser degree) for over 10 years and it's always been a thing that she doesn't do something she doesn't want. Not one to go out of her way at all so Betty's explanation if her not wanting to drive around the friends certainly fits.

I guess it's DD getting soaked plus the driving away without my DD that's kind of been the last straw for DH and I and it's just pissed us off this weekend. Usually we just shrug it off as her being a selfish or funny cow.

What does it matter that it was days ago?? It was pig rude and I personally wouldn’t be able to hold my tongue. Call her on it.

I’m really curious how you’ve been inside?!

Well, she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want because other people allow themselves to be mugged off by her.

I'd feel like being petty too but whatever you do will impact on your dd and her friendship with Betty.

I would send a PA text every time I gave Betty a lift. 'Hi, did Betty get indoors ok after I gave her a lift?' Add an 'again' at the end when the pettiness hits really bad.

If Betty's attitude starts to annoy you then cut down on the visits and sleepovers. I wouldn't have any kid with an attitude on my house. I would never leave a kid to walk in the rain though if I was going the same way.

My best mate’s mum was like Betty's. We both knew it and my friend was embarrassed a lot of the time. I love that my mum never made her feel weird or unwelcome.

I can feel how fuming you and your family are over this and I don't blame you.
Enough is enough but it's how to handle it that's the hard part. Mum won't care though and that's the hard part too as she will just carry on being selfish! I don't mean to sound blunt but she probably doesn't care much who her daughter is friends with as long as it doesn't interfere with her life too much. She sounds hard as nails!

Sounds like the mum has anxiety or something similar. I would speak to her. Ask her if you have done anything to offend her as she doesn't reciprocate. See what she says

@Bringringbring I had to go pick something up once. Betty has gone to school without something and her mum had no idea the event was that day so I offered the school to pop round and pick it up. She didn't exactly invite me in for a cuppa but I wasn't standing outside (funnily enough in the rain that day! and followed her in just past the doorway. Also there are a lot of photos posted on SM so unless she's only got a handful of respectable rooms like her living room, bathroom (yep, mirror selfies) and bedroom and the girl's room (Betty's FaceTiming show it often) so although DD hasn't been in its perfectly normal in pics and through the windows.

I don’t think it matters if it was days ago. I would sit her down and talk to her.
She’s a cunt of the highest order

Sounds like the mum has anxiety or something similar.

Sounds like she's just a garden variety rude, using CFer. Sounds like 'Betty' might be going the same way if she's a gobby teen but won't stand up to her mother and leaves her mate stood out in the rain rather than invite her in because she lives there, too. Or say something to her mum about the lifts.

I've been Betty.
My mum had mental health problems and hated friends at the house and hated giving lifts, but I think it was social anxiety in my mums case.
It was pretty miserable and embarrassing for me.
(Having said that she didn't like me going to other friends houses either, )
So Betty's mum sounds like that to me, there may be little point in bringing up her cfery.
Do you think she could be suffering from anxiety??

YANBU to be annoyed about the Mums behaviour, but don’t take it out on Betty. She’s probably already embarrassed about her Mum, even if she doesn’t show it.

I had a friend like this when I was a teenager. Never once set foot inside her house. My dad did all the driving if we needed lifts. No idea what the issue was to this day.

How do you know the Mum does not have OCD or another mental health problem?

I know a woman like that - she literally cannot bear to have other people in her house.

I'm afraid that I can't talk you out of being petty. You need to be. You know why her mum doesn't want friends in the house? Because she simply can't be arsed tidying up before or afterwards! I have been through this with friends who have used me and my house as a crèche. They like it round here as it is clean and comfortable and we have a great selection of toys. The reason why it is clean is because I run around manically tidying up before hand and I am a good host and offer food and drinks. The reason why we have good toys is because I make sure that the kids look after them and don't jump all over them and smash them up! I am sick of friends coming around, letting their kids trash the place and then not even offer to tidy up before they leave. Enough. Well, I'm not being taken advantage of any more and neither should you OP! Stop inviting her round and eventually she will have no choice other than to invite friends to her house if she doesn't wish to be excluded.

"Dcf I drove past you the other day when you'd collected Betty. I was upset that, after having her over countless times and driving them both to places, that you'd leave my dd behind. I was also very upset that dd stood waiting outside your house in the rain whilst your dd packed a bag to stay at ours. Wouldn't it have been hospitable to at least let her stand in the hall. I feel supporting this friendship is very one sided And wondered would you like to share sleepovers and lifts from now on or just take our own children places?"

This is an excellent text.

P.s. I'm not buying the mental health excuses. I have lots of anxieties etc, but I battle through them out of politeness. She sounds like a bog standard self absorbed CF to me. It's amazing how many people don't give any thought to any children other than their own.

Thinking anxiety is probably not the issue. She works in a customer facing role, has a big group of friends (most mutual as it's a small place) and a very active social life. Most of her pics are her in night out outfits. Not that it doesn't mean she can't have anxiety but it does seem less likely.

Just tell her mother how rude you find it all?

This sounds like OCD to me (as someone with extensive family experience). Betty is suffering already and will be the person who loses out if you can't put the pettiness aside and support her by continuing the lifts, sleepovers etc.

I'm with you husband!
I had a friend who was a bit of a Betty when I was at school, we would meet in the mornings and walk to school together. If my dad was working a later shift he would give me a lift, and would always give her a lift too, but if her mum was giving her a lift she'd never offer me and on many occasions I was left to walk to school in miserable weather on my own, with them driving past me. Looking back I don't think my dad should have continued giving lifts!